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So I caved last night and had a glass of wine with my husband.  One glass.  No sugar.  No caffeine.  Just one glass of wine.  *Heavy sigh* Twelve days is good, right?  I think I’ll hop right back on the bandwagon, though and finish out the rest of the 31 days without any wine.  I feel pretty good these days besides staying up too late.  I’m giving my body better fuel and it makes a difference.  I’ve also lost the 4 pounds that I gained during the holidays already.  Woohoo!  Now let’s see if I can get rid of 8 more!

Hey, I read this interesting bit about cinnamon the other day.  So I put some cinnamon in my non-fat plain yogurt, Grape Nuts with a little bit of Splenda and what a tasty breakfast treat!  And what about those berries slowing down the aging process?  Pass the berries, please!

Well, it is day 12 of the New Year’s Resolution that I don’t even remember why I’ve made anymore and I have not yet caved.  Whoda’ thunk it was possible?  Oh yeah, now I remember that I’m doing it because I want to feel better and get in better shape so I can keep up with Princess Tater Tot!  So far it’s working pretty well.  But I can feel that I am starting to sabotage myself.  For the past couple of nights I have consciously stayed up too late on the computer or reading or watching mindless TV and have gotten to bed too late.  It’s MUCH harder to deal with life on a daily basis when you are not getting enough sleep.  And I’m not.  Getting.  Enough.  Sleep. 

Another way that I am sabotaging myself is to make lists.  “What’s wrong with making lists?” you ask.  Nothing.  In theory.  But my lists end up looking like Santa’s big ‘ol long list ‘o kids to deliver toys to.  Pages and pages and pages of things that I’d like to do.  I finally had to say to myself this morning “Um, Self, this list is waaaay too long.  You need to seriously edit this sucker and just take your kid to the park today!”  Especially with my new-found desire to slow down and simplify.  As Dr. Phil would say “How’s that workin’ for ya’?”  Uh, not very well.  Although yesterday during Princess Tater Tot’s second nap I did light a log, snuggle under “the cozy” (the warmest, best blanket in the universe) and read a book the entire time.  That is an accomplishment in and of itself for me!  Of course with the gloomy weather, fire in the fireplace, snuggling in the cozy, it really made me crave a nice glass of wine…  I settled for a cup of decaf with cream and Splenda.  Not quite the same.  Actually, not even close but I am committed to at least 31 days of this torture.  Oh, I didn’t tell you guys, did I?  This is only a 31 day resolution.  No, I’m not making excuses so that I can have sugar, caffeine and alcohol after January is over…honest!  You can even ask The Daddy!  It’s basically just a jump start since every day had become a “cheat day” and I realized that I was eating in an unhealthy way.  A sugar and stimulant detox of sorts.

But I digress.  It turns out that, if you combine lack of sleep with long lists of necessary and unnecessary tasks to do, you have a recipe for “comfort eating”.  I have edited my list of things I’d like to get done today to include very little.  The house is relatively clean, I know what I’m going to make for dinner tonight, and other than cleaning, feeding and dressing both myself and the Princess, I’ll only have a very few things left to do.  Guess I’d better go get started on those things while she’s still napping…

Who else is sick to death of Rosie and Donald slamming each other?  Who gives a rat’s big ol’ butt what these two think?  And what the hell is Barbara getting in the middle of it for?  If she was a smart lady, she would step away from the crazy people and let them make fools of themselves.  Does no one know how to keep their mouths shut and act with dignity anymore?  Phew.  I feel better now.

I have this song going through my head from the Curious George soundtrack that I use to put Princess Tater Tot to sleep at night.  It’s called “Lullaby”.  If you click the link above and scroll down you can listen to a 25 second or so snippet of the songs.  “Lullaby” is with Matt Costa and “With My Own Two Hands” (the other song that I rock her to every night) was written by and is sung with Ben Harper.  I also really like “The Sharing Song”, “The 3 R’s”, and “We’re Going to be Friends”.  Princess Tater Tot breaks into a huge grin when she hears “Upside Down”, the first song of the CD, during the day!  If you’re a Jack Johnson fan with kids, you really owe it to yourself to get this.  It’s a keeper!

The other CD that I’ve been listening to a lot lately because I haven’t been able to surf is Ohana by Dennis Kamakahi.  He sings and plays Hawaiian slack key guitar.  Very soothing and relaxing.  Whenever I listen to slack key guitar, I can’t help but slow down.  I’ve had the CD for years but it got stuck in a box in our storage closet while we had work done on the house and I just now found it again.  Yay!

It occurred to me the other day that I am so used to living fast that I have forgotten to slow down.  Now I do realize that I have slowed down since Princess Tater Tot was born but I also noticed that there are days when I am rushing to get a task done in order to move onto the next.  While I think that some of this is normal, it’s time for me to put on my blinker, check my mirrors, and make a decision to move into the Slow Lane.  Not just visit it every once in a while but live there.  Drivin’ 55 in the slow lane.  Taking care of myself so that I can take care of The Tot.  I’ve gotten better at this but, again, time to take up residence in a slower pace of life for a while. 

Before I had The Tot, I worked as a school counselor.  Before that a school social worker.  And before that a therapist for adolescent boys on probation.  All jobs that are relatively stressful and never finished.  High potential for “taking your work home with you” both physically and emotionally.  I got so used to trying to do it all and more that I created a new syndrome: Wonder Woman Syndrome.  They really should include it in the DSM-whatever-revision-they’re-on-right-now.   It’s when you feel like you should be able to do everything that is on your plate and then the extra stuff you place on your plate “just for fun”, too!  There is no prioritizing involved in this syndrome, nor is there any letting go of stuff and just not doing it.  It’s basically going all-out until you collapse, regroup, and doing it again.  Not good for mental or physical health, as it turns out.  During my pregnancy I was pretty much a basket case because I was working so hard and didn’t slow down enough.  That is the one thing that I regret the most — not slowing down more so that I could enjoy my pregnancy more.  I did slow down but it was on the personal side and it was because I had to.  I just didn’t have the energy to keep up any sort of personal life because I was working and stressing so hard at my job.  But because of that I am doubly grateful to be able to stay at home with my child.  I am doing what I think is best for my child in our situation and I know that the rest (ahem, finanaces) will work out.

Anyway, enough random philosophical ramblings from The Mommy.  It’s time to stop at the rest stop and use the restroom.  I’ll be back on the freeway (clogging up the slow lane) again later.  Hasta luego, mis amigas!

If ever there was a day to break my New Year’s Resolution, today is it.  After my stellar day yesterday, Princess Tater Tot wakes up crying at 9:30 last night, just as The Mommy is getting her sorry, shoulda-been-to-bed-a-long-time-ago butt into bed.  So I rock her like I did the other night thinking it’s tummy trouble again.  But it doesn’t work.  At all.  So I give her a teeny bottle thinking she may still be hungry.  Nope.  Still crying.  Change her diapers.  Very full.  Hmmm…maybe that’s it.  Nope.  More fussiness.  As I’m getting ready to give her some Tylenol, she is sitting on the floor playing with a water bottle looking like the cat that swallowed the mouse.  Huh.  Interesting.  Instead of giving her the Tylenol I take her back into her room and start rocking her.  Instant fussy-pants.  All the while she is having bouts of squirming a writhing like she is in pain.  This is why I didn’t feel comfortable just letting her “cry it out”.  So I walked with her.  There is now a well-worn path by her crib.  Back and forth.  Forth and back.  Over and over again until she is asleep.  Not taking any chances, I sleep for a couple of hours in the recliner in her room with her on me instead of putting her down in her crib and having her wail again. 

I decide in the middle of the night that I will try to put her back down in her crib like I did the other night because I need to pee!  Nope.  Instant wailing like a banshee.  Huh.  So I pick her up and walk, and walk, and walk some more until I finally decide to give her some Tylenol.  What the hell took me so long?  All I can claim is exhaustion.  You know how it is in the middle of the night when you are more asleep than awake and you are praying to whatever God you worship that your child will just magically fall asleep.  So I gave her some Tylenol and put on the songs that I rock her to sleep with and, clunk, she’s out like a light.  Too bad it was 4am.

We sleep until 7am and then go about our regular routine.  Except the nap.  No nap.  Finally I stuck her in the car and drove down to the beach.  Zonk.  Out like a light.  So I parked at the beach and slept in my car with her.  Unfortunately, it was only a half hour for me.  Oh well.  As The Grandfather would say “better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick”. 

Long story short (uh, too late).  My arse was dragging all day (and still is…why am I still awake?) while Princess Tater Tot was alternately Senorita Cranky Pants and Miss Sweetness and Light.  Whew!  I can’t keep up.  I’d better learn my lesson and get my Mommy Butt in bed.

In case you were wondering, I didn’t break my New Year’s resolution even though I desperately wanted to.  I would have given my left leg for a cup of coffee at some points during the day.  And after dinner I craved ice cream like nobody’s business.  But I made itzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  What?  Oh, sorry.  Zonked out.  Better go hit the hay.  Until tomorrow.

The Good:

1) Water pressure!  I am going to bore you with some of the mundanity, uh, mundaneness (oh, whatever…you get the point) of my life now: the thingy that switches the water from the bath nozzle to the shower head has been spewing half of the water out the bath nozzle and half out the shower head when I try to take a shower for quite a long time (almost as embarrassingly long as my vacuum has been broken).  I finally called a plumber and got it fixed.  Hallelujah!  I have seen the Promised Land!  It was so nice to not have to work so dang hard to get the shampoo outta my hair.  Yes, I am thrilled by the little things in life.

2) We got a new vacuum cleaner yesterday!  And it was cheap!  More evidence that I am thrilled by the little things in life.  It’s not the greatest vacuum in the world but it will do until I can save my pennies for a Dyson, the end-all-be-all of vacuums if their claims are to be believed.  It had better be for what they charge!

3) I slept 8 whole hours last night!  I don’t know how that happened.  But I want it to happen again.

4) I found time for a bonafide workout this morning while Princess Tater Tot napped!  Imagine that!

The Bad

1) The new vacuum is cheap and loud.  Very loud.  Cheap is good but cheap can be cheap, too.  As The Daddy likes to say “You get what you pay for”.  But I will maintain my happiness at having a working vacuum.  Even if it scares the Princess.  The Daddy and I have to coordinate the vacuuming so that The Princess is somewhere else (like outside or far, far away from the house) while the vacuuming is done.

The Ugly

1) The Dog is oozing little teeny bits of pink goop all over the carpet.  Again, I know it’s gross…that’s why it’s in the “Ugly” category.  Apparently it’s totally normal so The Daddy just cleans up the spots when he finds them.  Don’t think I’m letting Princess Tater Tot crawl around where the dog has oozed.  Not a chance.  Time to clean the carpets when The Dog heals.

Anyway, this is the 7th day without caffeine, sugar, or alcohol and I’m feelin’ pretty good.  Imagine that.  I am amazed that I haven’t caved…yet.

Okay, so yesterday I managed to smush Princess Tater Tot’s little fingers in her high chair, forget about a doctor’s appointment for her, and be quite late with one of her feedings due to running off to the doctor because they said they could squeeze us in.  I’m not winning Mother Of The Year.  But I got a chance to make it up to her when she woke up crying last night.  I ended up rocking her a bit more but she wouldn’t go down in her crib so I slept with her on my chest in the big, comfy recliner in her room until she was so zonked out she didn’t notice she was being transferred back to her crib.  I think she was having tummy trouble because she was squirming so much but she settled down after a while and it was so sweet to have her little sleeping body on mine. 

It took me back to the times when that’s the only way she would sleep and I’d have to make sure I didn’t drink any water for several hours before bed or I’d be sitting there debating in the middle of the night “Do I get up and go pee and risk waking her up when I put her down in her crib or do I continue with the excrutiating pain of holding it for another couple of hours?”  Then there was always the “Good Lord it’s cold in here!  How exactly do I get this blanket off the back of the chair and over us without waking her up?”  I have to say, though, there is not much better a thing in this world than waking up with your little one’s face right next to yours, so peaceful and lovely.  Then she squirms and digs a knee in where it doesn’t belong.  Gak!  Time to risk waking her up and go empty the bladder.

I’m not sure now how I was able to sleep at all that way (with her on me in a recliner) but somehow I did.  And I remember feeling ambivalent about trying to get her to sleep on her own in her crib.  I liked having her sleep with me.  Although she did weigh quite a bit less back then…  Let’s just say that it was nice to have the snuggle time and a chance to redeem myself but I continue to be very grateful that she sleeps 11-12 hours a night in her own crib!

New Year’s Resolution update: still no caffeine, sugar or wine.  Head feels better and body is starting to.  Yay me!

The Good:

1) The word “snark”.  It’s currently one of my favorites.  It’s just so much fun!  How can you not like a combination word like that (snide + remark = snark)?  With alternate definitions of ”sarcastic” and ”irritable” at this point in my detox, although I am feeling better, there is still a bit of snark left in me.

2) The word heinous: adj. Grossly wicked or abominable.  Another one of my current favorites.  Can be used to describe diapers, spit up, headaches or any other bodily twinges, or just about any other wrong that has been inflicted on you by any person or thing.  Very versatile.

3) Massaging heating pads.  Okay, technically vibrating heating pads but who’s checking?  The package says “massaging” so that’s what I’m stickin’ with.  This is a little slice of heaven on my lower back!  If you currently don’t have one, I highly recommend it.  Warning: You will fall asleep so get one with an automatic shut-off so you don’t hurt yourself, burn down the house, etc.  That would just be stupid.

3) Babies who fall asleep quickly at bedtime.  I don’t think I need to elaborate on that one.

The Bad:

1) My vacuum cleaner is broken and has been for an embarrassingly long time.  I thought it needed a new filter that I couldn’t find until the other day (um, you’re a vacuum cleaner store.  What do you mean you’ll have to order a filter?).  But it doesn’t.  Crap.

2) My back hurts!  I’m old.  Wah!

The Ugly

1) The Dog needed semi-emergency surgery last night for a cyst that was draining all over our carpet and that she wouldn’t stop gnawing at.  Yes, I know it’s disgusting but that’s why it’s in the “Ugly” section.  She came home today and her after-care isn’t too gross although her stitches are pretty heinous (see I told you it was versatile).  I’m a wimp.  Yes, I do wonder how I’ll make it through the medical side of motherhood.  And, yes I was a big baby about the episiotomy healing.  Oh well, I’m sure I’ll just suck it up and do what I gotta do like I always do because that’s a mommy’s life.

Apparently, sugar was the only thing holding this Mommy Body together.  Now I’ve got twinges of pain from my lower back down through the backs of my knees in addition to my fuzzy head.  At least my head is fuzzy and not throbbing!  Let’s look on the bright side, huh?

Does mommyhood mean that you automatically have to turn in your “I Feel Good” badge and turn into a lump of Mommy Mess?  Or am I just doin’ it wrong?  My guess is that it’s a little bit of both.  Yes, I think I will have to lower my expectations from how I felt before The Tater Tot but I also think that I can do things differently to take better care of myself (thus the fun detox I am currently undergoing).  And, yes this is one of the flips and/or flops that I talked about here.  We’ll see how long I last before I tell myself that eating ice cream, drinking coffee, and having a glass of wine is taking care of myself!