Sometimes I Feel Like A Crazy Person
Disclaimer: I have one of “these days” every once in a while and I need to rant. Most days are good even if I am tired but today is an exception and I need to get it out of my system. I will return to regularly scheduled programming soon.
Today is one of “those days”. I am exhausted and I don’t know why. I have no job outside of the home, one child, and a supportive husband. I also have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis which basically means that my body recognizes my thyroid gland as a foreign object and tries to destroy it, but I’m on thyroid replacement medication for that so that shouldn’t be an issue. My last test results were “within normal limits”. I don’t sleep enough but I did last night. I exercise and eat right most of the time. So why is it that I feel like my ass is dragging today? Dragging so hard that I’m leaving track marks behind me. (Attractive picture, isn’t it?) I’m still holding onto that extra weight and flab that I’ve been trying to get rid of for a year and even though I don’t eat refined carbs and eat more fruits and vegetables than I used to, I still feel like crap more days than I’d like. Is this just part of my new reality or is there something wrong? Should I expect more from life or is this the best I’m going to feel? Am I just getting old? I will be 39 in 5 1/2 months and there are days when I have never felt worse…except before I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s but that was so long ago that I don’t hardly remember what that felt like.
I recognize also that I have always set extremely high standards for myself both personally and professionally. I think that I put pressure on myself where there may not be outside pressure to do things as well as my standards dictate. Being a stay-at-home mommy and housewife is no exception to that. If I have a job, I will work hard at it. My job right now is to take care of my beautiful little girl and our house. And maybe I put too much pressure on myself to do these things perfectly. But doesn’t everyone else have it all under control with only one kid? Isn’t it supposed to be easy with only one? How do I not have enough time or energy? Nevermind that I’m always “on” even if she’s napping. That’s when the laundry gets shifted, the breakfast/lunch mess gets cleaned up and miscellaneous crap gets done. When you add exercise and diet to lose weight into the mix, it throws me over the edge. Maybe I’ve just shifted the focus of my mildly obsessive/perfectionistic tendencies from mainly on my professional life to my personal life since there isn’t a professional life to speak of. Thankfully, I have not shifted those tendencies to Tater Tot. They are squarely focused on my performance, not hers, and I intend to keep it that way. If I keep those tendencies, that is. I’d like to get rid of them. They’re not really very helpful and I suspect that they play a large role in my periodic difficulty sleeping.
Then there’s always the fact that women of the generations before me didn’t have the benefit of all the support that I have and they handled it. That makes me feel even more whiny and stupid for being so tired and frustrated and needing to “vent”. Maybe I’m just too self-indulgent and I need to “suck it up”. Maybe I just need to change my perspective, embrace my Inner Housewife, and realize that this is what the job is. It’s 24-7 so be sure you take your coffee break when you can (uh, nap when she naps, anyone?). I chose this job. Heck, I wanted this job so bad I couldn’t think about anything else. I took my temperature faithfully every morning before getting out of bed for months and peed on more sticks than I cared to count! What do you mean you’d like to go on a trip with the guys? I’m ovulating!
I sometimes have a hard time differentiating between the pressure I put on myself and the pressure society puts on mothers but I think that it’s there. I think that society does have unrealistic expectations of what mothers can/should be able to do and I think (ok, I know) that I’ve bought into them!
I’m coming to the conclusion that I am a perfectionistic wuss who needs to let go of some stuff. I don’t think I need to suck it up necessarily but I do need to change my perspective every once in a while and lower my expectations of myself. I need to realize that I can only do what I can do and that The Tater Tot will be just fine if she eats a couple of jars of Gerber 3rd Foods instead of home made baby food, wears a couple of disposable diapers, or watches the Baby Einstein DVD twice in a day every once in a while. I need to realize that I am doing a good job, heck, even an excellent job with her and that I need to cut myself some slack. I am in pretty good shape for an almost 39 year old woman who has had a child. I need to put my feet up during her naps and watch stupid TV or read a book or sleep, for heaven’s sake! I think that cutting myself some slack will help me sleep better which will help me feel better which will help me be better.
Okay, rant is over. Good timing. I hear the Tater Tot waking up from her nap. Hey, let’s go play “Lay Down On The Floor And Play With Mommy”!
Thanks for reading…I’ll be back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. Does anybody else ever feel this way? Slip me a comment and let me know!
March 25th, 2007 at 9:32 pm
“I am exhausted and I don’t know why.”
“I know why; because you’re human and sometimes humans just feel that way. Plus, my guess would be that chronic lack of sufficient sleep, and trying to do too much are your main culprits. Yep, I can sympathize.
“I have no job outside of the home”
When raising your child is your day job, your daily work shift of that one task is MUCH longer (13 hours straight of taking care of child) versus ‘outside’ day jobs (7 or 8 hours of the same task). Not having a break from routine can be exhausting, no matter what that routine is.
“I don’t sleep enough but I did last night.”
They say sleep deprivation is cumulative and that it takes a long time and lots of sleep (an equal amount to what you missed?) to make up for lost sleep. Also, personally usually when I don’t get enough sleep I don’t feel it the following day, but instead the 2nd or 3rd day later.
“Is this just part of my new reality or is there something wrong? Should I expect more from life or is this the best I’m going to feel? ”
I’d say expect more, and that you can definitely feel better. For me, again, sleep is usually 90% of the problem, so you don’t even need any other excuses in my opinion to feel like crap if you’ve not had good sleep, esPEcially for the last 13 months… that’s a LONG LONG time!!!
“I recognize also that I have always set extremely high standards for myself both personally and professionally. I think that I put pressure on myself where there may not be outside pressure to do things as well as my standards dictate.”
Did I write that or did you write that? Sometimes I feel like I’m reading from my own head. Although for me, I do MUCH better with my sahm job regarding that than I did my professional job. It’s such a relief for me not to feel I have to be perfect at being a sahm … I don’t know why it affects one area and not the other for me but I’m so glad! I think maybe because I’ve seen the behind the scenes of many more moms than I have seen behind the scenes of fellow coworkers, and I KNOW that the mom job is full of screw-ups, and do-overs, and more-than-one-way-to-skin-a-cats, and just basically you do your best because there are SO many different ways to be a mom that there ISN’T a perfect or right way, there are too many choices of how to do things for there to be just one right or best way.
“But doesn’t everyone else have it all under control with only one kid?”
No!!!! Why are there so many baby “how-to” books out there? Thousands on each topic: marriage, discipline, feeding, napping, you name it. The books wouldn’t be there if there wasn’t the need. Flylady has thousands of followers, and she is for people who don’t necessarily even HAVE kids. Lots of people don’t have everything under control, whether or not they have kids.
“obsessive/perfectionistic tendencies from mainly on my professional life to my personal life since there isn’t a professional life to speak of. Thankfully, I have not shifted those tendencies to Tater Tot. They are squarely focused on my performance, not hers, and I intend to keep it that way.”
Me too. I am definitely making a conscious effort to NOT project those tendencies onto my pumpkin. She will learn by example and might imitate me though so I’ve still got some work to do.
“If I keep those tendencies, that is. I’d like to get rid of them.”
Me too.
“Then there’s always the fact that women of the generations before me didn’t have the benefit of all the support that I have and they handled it.”
They say that you only remember the good things… maybe they’re not telling you, or aren’t remembering the whole story ;).
I sometimes have a hard time differentiating between the pressure I put on myself and the pressure society puts on mothers but I think that it’s there.
That’s an interesting comment to me because I have never felt any pressure from society as far as how to be a mom… I don’t know what you’re thinking that’s expected of you by society. Feed your baby, change their diaper, give them a place to sleep… give them vaccinations and educate them, and of course give them love. But that’s about it….? and you’re WAY beyond doing those things…?
” and that The Tater Tot will be just fine if she eats a couple of jars of Gerber 3rd Foods instead of home made baby food”
yes, they’ll be fine. “You know who” had chicken at almost all of her meals last week because I didn’t have time/energy to make some other protein for her.
Keep up the good work. You deserve a good accomplishment award for your motherly achievements thus far.
I’m off to bed!
March 26th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
Thanks for the encouragement! I think intellectually I know that I’m doing fine and that it’s not realistic to “have it all together” all of the time but, when I’m sleep-deprived, it’s hard to feel like I ever do!
I guess that’s what I mean by pressure from society. Just to have it all together. I don’t know why I expect to have it all together with a child…I guess I just see other mothers and assume they’re having an easier time than I am or handling it better. I’m probably wrong.
But I think you’re right. The core of it is that I’m just not getting enough sleep. when I’m well-rested, I don’t doubt how I’m doing. When I’m well-rested, I know that I’m doing well with Tater Tot and I don’t feel bad for the occasional “day off”. (Like mommies ever get one!!)
So, according to the info you gave me about sleep deprivation I should be feeling better some time in 2008 if I get to bed on time, right?! Ha, ha… I’m sure I’ll feel better before then!
Here’s to not letting our little ones pick up our perfectionism! I’ve got some work to do yet, too…