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The good news is:
1) The biopsy is over. Blech. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world but it sure wasn’t good.
2) The new doc that I saw today answered some of my questions about what I have and what we do next.
3) The Daddy is helping me this weekend while I feel like crap. Not just because of the biopsy. I’ve been feeling pretty bad this week energy-wise. Thyroid stuff. He took the day off of work today to help me because he knew I was not in a good state to be handling stuff on my own. What a guy!
4) I’m not pregnant. They had to do a urine test before the procedure to make sure they weren’t endangering any little being in there. Nope. Nothin’ in there but cobwebs. Did I just type that??

The bad news is:
1) Unless there is a miracle, the results that I receive from the biopsy will cause the doc to recommend a LEEP procedure (Laser Electrosurgical Excision Procedure). More cutting off of things in my private areas. This time with anesthesia. CRAP! She told me that I have moderate to severe cervical dysplasia and the biopsy results will either confirm the diagnosis, tell me it’s worse than moderate/severe (i.e. cancer) or come back mild. Basically she said that even if the results came back mild to moderate, they’d recommend a LEEP procedure. Fun.
2) It’s hotter than Hades here. I am sitting on an ice pack just to keep cool. My car thermometer read 90 on the way home from the doc’s around noon. It doesn’t feel much cooler this evening. At least not in my house.
3) Tater Tot did NOT nap at all today and I am exhausted emotionally and physically. The Daddy was pretty tired, too and doesn’t have as much patience as I do for Tater-ness. He was trying to help but Tater Tot really wasn’t letting him that much. I’m tired. Luckily she went down without a fight an hour early this evening.

I did have to wait a half hour after my appointment time before I was called in today at the doc’s. I brought my own reading material because I figured that it’d be that way. For whatever reason, I was really emotional and crying on the way home. I’m still not sure why. I think it’s just because I feel so physically crappy lately and it’s harder to deal emotionally when I feel bad physically. Just having to deal with the whole experience of the biopsy today drained me. And the thought of having to go through the LEEP and/or whatever else comes with a worse diagnosis came to mind. As well as, if the pre-cancerous cells came back after the LEEP procedure, we’d start all over again with the 6 months PAPs and colposcopies. Actually, the doc says now that they’ll have me on a 4 month cycle. Great. On one hand, I’m grateful that they’re keeping an eye on me but, on the other hand, I’m really not thrilled that I get to see them more often. Today I want to crawl into bed and not get out. But I don’t really have a choice to do that. I’m The Mommy. And Tater Tot’s sweet little face is worth getting out of bed for any day…

The title says it all so if you are averse to whining, feel free to skip this post. Since I’ve started taking the adrenal support, extra folate and betacarotene my butt has been dragging. In the worst possible way. I mean laying-on-the-floor-unless-it-absolutely-has-to-be-done butt-dragging. I did manage to get to a sign language play date today and the grocery store. Actually, I think I’ve gone to the grocery store every day this week! Fuzzy brain. Keep forgetting stuff. Another symptom of Hashimoto’s. And, no, I am NOT pregnant. If I am pregnant, it is truly a miracle because it took us a long time when we were trying and we were having a LOT more sex then! And it was unprotected. Let’s just say I’m a safety girl these days. Not takin’ any chances.

So I’ve stopped taking the folate, betacarotene and adrenal support until I see how things shake out with the new medication dosage. I swear my body never experiences these positive miracle shifts that some people experience when they start on a new medication or supplement but you can be sure that I know when something is going wrong with a new med or supplement. It’s generally very clear. It’s a bummer because these things are supposed to help me heal and feel better but that’s becoming very obviously not the case. Maybe I just started too many things at once. Another good reason to quit until the new med dose takes effect.

Biopsy is tomorrow. Not looking forward to that. The Daddy is taking the day off so that Gammaw doesn’t have to drive two hours to watch The Tot while I go get things snipped out of my private parts. Blech. Blech. Blech. Blech. I don’t even like thinking about it. I hope it’s a quick procedure. And that they’re not backed up like they usually are. I once waited an hour and a half after my appointment time before I was seen! I really hope that doesn’t happen tomorrow. I might lose it a little…

Okay, the TV repair guy has had our TV for 6 weeks now. It’s not like we don’t have a second TV. We do. But it’s the TV that I bought at least 10 years ago that has ONE coaxial input. That’s it. Nothing else. So to hook up the Tivo, VCR, and DVD player requires a certificate in some sort of electronics from a trade school that I just don’t have. Yeah, I know. There are worse troubles in the world. I get it. It’s possible that I am a bit spoiled. But when you have gotten in the habit of depending on video escapism (and being able to record your video escapism for future viewing), the loss of it can be a bit disconcerting. Luckily this all happened during re-run season and I have three of the five seasons of Alias on DVD. I was able to get the other two seasons from Netflix.com and that has served as my video escapism for the summer. I’m quite sure I would be a bit more aggressive toward the TV repair guy if this had happened at any other time during the year. As it is, he recognizes my voice when I call due to the volume of phone calls I have directed at him, his elderly office guy, and his voicemail. The Daddy had reservations about leaving our TV at his shop when he dropped it off there because of the outward appearance. Apparently it’s a little hole in the wall that looks pretty junky. But this was the only “authorized Samsung repair shop” and I got it from Samsung customer service so we left it there. Not only was it the only authorized Samsung repair shop, but it was the only shop that would even work on Samsungs within a 15 mile radius!

I was finally able to get a straight answer from the guy about when it would be done but not until after I had to coerce him into calling to see when a part would arrive. If all goes as planned, the part should be there by Friday, installed and tested on Saturday and we can pick up Monday or Tuesday depending on how well it works Saturday. The amount that we have to pay for this privelege makes my toes curl. It turns out that the thing that is wrong with our 1 1/2 year old television is the most expensive thing that can be wrong with our television. Needless to say, even though it’s out of warranty, I’m going to try to get reimbursed from Samsung for some of the cost. I just can’t believe that they think that a TV should only last a year and a half. If they do, I will be devoting quite a bit more time and energy to Samsung-bashing on here…

Today I start on the new dose of thyroid medication. It’ll take a while to show any effect, though. Probably at least 10 days. Maybe as much as 3-4 weeks. But it’s a start! I also saw that naturopathic doc at the local health food store and he recommended an adrenal support, a thyroid glandular and a thyroid nutrient for my thyroid plus extra folic acid and betacarotene for the cervical dysplasia. He also said he could treat the cervical dysplasia (no guarantees, of course) with the folate, betacarotene, and herbal suppositories based on what my lab reports showed. Don’t have the money for that since insurance doesn’t cover it. So I’ve started taking the folate and betacarotene and I have my biopsy this Friday. It was supposed to be last Wednesday but they called less than two hours before to tell me it had to be cancelled. The doc was called in for an emergency C-section. I hate it when that happens but I guess it’s inevitable. At least at this medical group.

I’ve started taking the adrenal support already but never settled on a thyroid nutrient or thyroid glandular when I was at the health food store and just haven’t gotten back there to choose. At this point, I think I may wait until I see how the increased dose of the thyroid meds affect me before I spend more money on supplements. Hopefully it’ll help with the sleep issues. Cross your fingers for me! I’m hopeful that some of these changes will help my body to heal in all the ways it needs to.

So I’ve been feeling crappy off and on for a while now. Sometimes I feel better. Sometimes I feel worse. Most times I have trouble sleeping. Since I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis which is a hypothyroid condition where my body thinks my thyroid gland is a foreign body and tries to destroy it (fun!), I decided that I would go get my thyroid levels tested. It’s been a while (since Tater Tot was 4 months old) and what the heck? It couldn’t hurt. I was diagnosed when I was 16 and I’ll be on thyroid replacement for the rest of my life which will periodically have to be adjusted. I’ve felt crappy before and my thyroid levels were fine so I think I expected them to be normal this time, too. In fact, one time about 10 years ago, I was feeling ridiculously low energy and the doc actually decreased my medication telling me that I was over-corrected. It didn’t make me feel any better. I wish all docs would listen to their patients. But I digress.

I called my doc last week and explained that I had insomnia and hadn’t checked my thyroid levels in over a year and she ordered not only the thyroid tests that I needed but also some tests to rule out other stuff that could be going on, which was nice. Yesterday I got a call from the doc’s office and, guess what? My thyroid numbers are off. Finally, a reason why I feel crappy. I know it seems weird to be happy that your tests came back abnormal but I am. It makes me feel like less of a crazy person. I keep thinking “If I only take better care of myself I’ll feel better.” But most times I AM taking pretty good care of myself. Sure, I could probably try and rule out the big allergens like wheat and dairy. I could also probably eat ice cream less often (I’ve been doing better, lately, I swear!). But, for the most part, I eat a balanced diet and try and avoid simple carbs (except for the ice cream, of course). I exercise moderately at least 4 times a week. I’ve even started substituting green tea for my coffee every other day, which has less caffeine and more antioxidants.

The end result of this is that the doc increased my medication and gave me a little bit of hope that I will feel better in the near future. I’m still going to try to take even better care of myself but, with “The Mommy, Mommy Machine” in full effect (Tater Tot’s recent separation anxiety), it’s been hard lately. I’ve had to figure out how to do lots of things with her on my hip (or not do lots of things at all!) because she doesn’t like to be “worn”. Never has. Has always liked to be carried but not worn. Lucky me. I’ve also felt emotionally drained from the constant “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy”. I love her more than anything in the world but it just sometimes sucks me dry. This may sound weird but, the emotional drainage makes it hard to get to bed at a reasonable time. Since I spend every moment from 6am to 6pm either attached to her or doing chores, the time before 6am and after 6pm is at a premium. If there’s anything I want to do, that’s the time I have to do it. Unfortunately, I’m so tired from the day that it’s hard to motivate to do anything other than sit slack-jawed and drooling in front of the TV. I’m not explaining it right but I guess it boils down to needing a long time to “unwind” from the day but also wanting to do stuff that I want to do but can’t during the day. Basically, doing stuff that takes care of me emotionally.

I do realize that this separation anxiety will pass. Soon enough, Tater Tot will be back to exploring on her own and barely recognizing that I’m there. So, in the mean time, I’m going to try to put aside my needs and be “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy” for her. And take advantage of the “huggies” and “hnuggles” (snuggles) that are so abundant at this stage of her life. I try to remember that she won’t always want to hug me as much as she does now so I’m gonna stock up!

Tater Tot and The Mommy have a new game. It’s called “Dizzy”. Or “Dissy, Dissy” as The Tot calls it. At great physical expense, The Mommy holds Tater Tot like a baby so she can hang her head back as we both whirl until one or the other feels like hurling. It’s fun! For her. It was fun for The Mommy too until I remembered that toddlers like to play the same game over and over and over and over and The Mommy’s arms were about to fall off.

The Tot has now universalized “Bissy, bissy”. It is no longer just for avoiding personal space invasion. Now it’s applicable to nap times as well. While attempting to goad her into napping by playing a game of “Dissy” (this usually calms her down enough to entertain doing what I want her to do), The Tot came back up to my shoulder and very clearly said “Bissy, bissy”. I know that this can sound very much like “Dissy, dissy” but it was not. Given that she had wiggled, cried, and had generally shown her displeasure with the concept of nap time, I took that to mean that she was too busy to nap. So we tried again after an early lunch and she was out like a light! She is her own little person already…

Today some of The Mommy’s family swung through town so Auntie and Uncle from Washington State could meet Tater Tot for the first time and we had a good time. The visit was short but it was nice that she has finally met them. Now we’ve got to get the other Auntie, Uncle, and Two Cousins from Washington State down to meet her before she’s taller than her Momma! I s’pose we could always go up there…

Tater Tot did a funny thing while they were visiting. Grandpa and Auntie were playing with The Tot on her LeapFrog Learn & Groove® Musical Table when, apparently, she had enough. She picked the entire table up, turned around, and walked away! We all started laughing so hard and she just kept walkin’. I guess she just wanted to play on her own.

I have a new sewing/scrapbooking/work/whatever area in my closet and I did it myself! It’s not quite finished yet because I wasn’t able to get everything that I needed in our two trips to Home Depot yesterday (a subject for another post altogether….they were “interesting” to say the least!) but the main “construction” is done. I just need to decide whether I want the pre-sized laminate shelving they sell or to have lumber cut to size for shelving. Later, when I have more money, I’m doing floor-to-ceiling shelves on the other side of the closet so I’d like to have everything match.

I decided a couple of weeks ago to reorganize my office and I’ve been “decluttering” ever since. I’m pretty much down to what needs to stay, although I’m probably hanging onto at least a few things that could go. Sometimes I have a hard time letting go of stuff. But I think I’ve done pretty darn well so far. Maybe I’ll be more inclined to get rid of stuff if it doesn’t fit in my new closet storage dealie. We’ll see.

Let me tell you, if I can do this project, you can too. Suffice it to say, I am not the most handy person in the universe. But I was able to do this by asking a lot of questions at Home Depot and using tools that we have laying around (literally…we never use them!) in the garage.

So, what did I do? I bought a piece of lumber and had them cut it to my specifications, screwed 2×3 studs into the wall on the left side and back of the closet, and rested the right side on a 2-drawer filing cabinet. Installed ClosetMaid shelving tracks above the desk and put the little arm-thingies that the shelves will rest on in their little tracks. All done and just waiting for the shelves. I probably should sand the “desktop” down but I’m just not quite in the mood yet. It’s not very rough so it will work as-is if I end up not ever wanting to sand it. That’s the more likely scenario. Unless I get a splinter, I probably won’t be real motivated to sand it. Just keepin’ it real. I’ll post pictures and give a detailed description of the project after I’ve got the shelving in.

The bonus part of this all is that I’m paying for it with money that I’ve earned doing online surveys or gift cards that I’ve won or that have been given to me. That way we can continue to buy groceries and/or not go into further debt just because I want my office organized!

This is what The Tot tells anyone who is trying to hug or love on her when she is interested in doing something other than hugging or loving. And, yes, it’s all my fault. One day when I asked “Can Mommy have Little Huggies?” and she got flustered (I took that to be a “no”), I said “That’s okay, Tater Tot is busy, busy, busy.” And of course she repeated “Bissy, bissy, bissy.” So now she automatically says “Bissy, bissy, bissy” when someone tries to invade her space. I doubt she really knows what it means but it’s clear that she knows that it keeps her from having to do something that she doesn’t want to do right that minute (having her personal space invaded). And that’s what matters. It doesn’t sound cuddly and lovey that there are times that my child doesn’t want to be hugged by me or anyone else but that’s who she is. She is plenty affectionate at other times when she is not intent on exploring the entire universe (and she does want to explore it all!). I’m secretly glad that I inadvertently taught her “bissy, bissy” because it helps her to assert her independence. If she can stand up to me, she surely can stand up to the poor influences that will cross her path down the road, right? I am not going to be The Mommy that insists that The Tot kisses her Auntie So-And-So or Grandma or Whoever. She’ll kiss them if she wants to. If not, they’ll know that they’ve got a little more work to do getting to know her before she wants to be affectionate with them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to let her be rude but I also won’t let other people break the boundaries that she feels comfortable with. Hey, can you tell I’ve thought about this a little? Yeah, I know. I think A LOT.

I usually don’t use words that feel like cliche Christianity because I am not generally a cliche Christian. But today I received what I can only describe as a blessing. From earlier posts you could probably tell that there has been a bit going on in my life. From wisdom teeth to slab leaks and feeling crappy inbetween. So today the drywall people came to fix the holes that the plumbers made getting to our pipes. They were such a great Grandma/Grandpa team! They took the time to talk to me and Tater Tot and pet The Dog. They were so sweet yet professional. They did a great job on the holes and even said they’d wait until Friday to cash my check since I was going to put it on the credit card but they didn’t take credit cards. They were about to leave and I decided on a whim to ask their advice about a hole that I had cut in the garage ceiling where there was some water staining. We checked it out up there and didn’t see any water damage so we were going to patch the hole and paint. We even got the square of drywall to patch it with. Well, 2 1/2 years later, you guessed it, the hole is still there. They told me that, if the hole stayed unpatched and we had a fire, the insurance company could deny our claim because the drywall is fire-rated and we would have an area that was not covered with fire-rated drywall. Ack! They gave their opinion about how we should do it (just patch the hole rather than replace all the drywall where there was water staining, paint with Kilz and then with the existing color) and I thanked them for their expertise. Here’s where the blessing comes in: the wife turns to the husband and says “Let’s put the patch up for her and then she can tape it off and put the mud on when she gets a chance. At least it would be safe, then.” He said “Sure!” and they went to work. It took them all of 5 minutes. When I went to check on them, they had not only put the patch up but taped and put the mud on for me. I wanted to cry and hug them. It was such a small thing for them but it was HUGE for me. It may not sound like a big deal but that thing has been hanging over my head for a long time. It just seemed so overwhelming to learn how to patch that drywall that I just never got around to it. And it was just so nice to have someone be nice to me! I know that probably sounds weird but it just seems like not very many people are nice any more. And I felt blessed that I met two today who were.

Thirty hours post-oral-surgery and The Mommy is just about good as new! No pain and only a teeny bit lethargic from the pain meds I took yesterday. I still have to eat soft foods and start the 48-hours-after post-op instructions tomorrow but I’m feeling 100% better today! I am so relieved. Especially about the lack of pain. I only had to take the prescription pain meds twice yesterday and a little bit of ibuprofen this morning. The Daddy got to surf this morning while Tater Tot and I spent some time together but I was pretty wiped out by the time he got home. Drifted in and out of sleep for a while and relaxed on the couch while they played outside. It was nice. I expect I’ll be back to normal tomorrow.

Speaking of back to normal, I almost feel back to normal in all the other ways that I was falling apart, too. The foot’s better. The hamstring doesn’t tweak when I do normal things (haven’t tried running on it yet…trying to give it time to heal). The hip hasn’t hurt the past two days. Imagine that. Of course I haven’t exercised in a week and a half. Oh, except that one day Tater Tot and I went on a morning stroll. Not really exercise. More just getting out of the house. I’m crossing my fingers that, starting Monday or Tuesday, I’ll be able to resume running. I’d better be able to because, sitting here on the couch, I’m eating everything in the house and turning into a Tub-O-Goo! But it does feel good to rest. I needed a rest. I’m grateful for the rest because I know that many of you Mommies out there never get one. I do not take it for granted.

The office project is on hold until tomorrow or Monday because I’ve been resting but I have so many ideas! It involves installation of adjustable shelving in the closet and desk for my sewing machine and scrapbooking hidden in the closet. And, hopefully, a better play set up for The Tot. I’m continuing to purge all the clutter I’ve got. Sometimes I feel like just tossing everything and starting over. Maybe I should! How freeing would that feel?! I just know, though, that I’ll throw a particular thing out and then, a month later, be looking for that very thing. Even though I hadn’t needed it for the previous 3 years, a month after I throw it out, I will need it. Unlikely, but that’s the scenario that plays out in my head while making decisions about what to keep. I think I just need to go into it with the mentality “Since I haven’t needed this in so long, if I end up needing another one, I’ll buy one.” For some reason that’s hard for me to do. But I need to. And I’m going to. Just watch me. But not tonight. Tonight I am going to go downstairs where the air conditioning is on and fall asleep on the couch. G’nite all…