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Yesterday I went for a surf because I’m having my LEEP procedure tomorrow and that means no surfing for 2-3 weeks due to risk of infection while I heal. I realized that this is the first time in MONTHS that I have been out and about doing something just for ME without The Tot while she’s awake. I felt naked without The Tot even completely bundled up in my wetsuit and booties. Other times that I have been out and about without her during her normal waking hours it has been to run errands, grocery shop, get things done. Usually for other people/our household. I realized how lopsided my life is right now and wondered if it can be any different. I’m sure it can be but can it be? Can I let it be? Is it better for her that she’s attached to me all of the time unless I’m running errands or is it better for both of us if I get out and have a little time to myself? I never feel entirely comfortable leaving her when she’s awake, not because I don’t think The Daddy can handle it, he can. I guess I feel like I’m playing hooky. Shirking my responsibilities. I know I’ve written about this before but she was younger then. And I’m sure it’ll be a topic I’ll revisit throughout her childhood.

I can already hear you all yelling at me out there: “Go, Woman! Go do something for yourself!”. Even the Nurse-Practitioner I saw almost two weeks ago was intimating that I was overextending myself a bit with The Tot. But I’m not sure I know any other way to do it. I wonder if it’s just my control-freak evil twin coming out or if it’s really best for her right now that I am there all the time. She is pretty Mommy-centric right now but she is able to and does warm up to other people. We go to preschool, play dates and Gammaw and Gampaw’s house on a semi-regular basis and she does fine. She’s friendly with people when we’re out and about at stores and whatnot. I kind of view Mommy-centricness as something she needs for some reason right now. I wonder what lasting effect either having me there all the time and a bit lopsided or having a better-balanced Mommy who’s sometimes gone will have on her, if any. And I wonder if I just need to suck it up and be lopsided for a little while longer. Yes, I think too much. This is a well-established fact.

I don’t have an answer right now. But I did feel pretty good being by myself and doing something I love to do. Maybe I just need periodic recalibrations to my Mommyness and little reminders that I’m a whole other person besides The Mommy. That’s hard for me to remember most of the time…