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For the past couple of days I’ve found myself feeling a little bit overwhelmed, cranky, and short of humor. The only common factor that I can find is lack of sleep. But more important to me than figuring out why I’ve been cranky is realizing that it has been a loooong time since I’ve felt overwhelmed and cranky. I realized that for a while now I have been happier than I had been for a long time. I generally have learned to let go of a lot of things, take fewer things so personally, and in lots of areas, be kinder to myself. My house isn’t much cleaner than before, I do not weigh less than I did, and my life did not drastically change (i.e. I did NOT win the lottery or inherit a large sum of money). But I am doing more of what I enjoy and enjoying more what I have to do.

I am enjoying waking up to a shiny kitchen a la Flylady instead of running around like a headless chicken trying to get the dishes out of the sink and the laundry that should have been done the night before started before The Tot wakes up. And if, for whatever reason, I decide NOT to take care of the dishes and laundry before I go to bed, I am able to let go of that and get to them when I can the next day without feeling guilty or like a failure. I am enjoying being the low price detective for groceries and other things (make a game out of it…it goes down much easier that way). I am consciously choosing not to let “stuff” get to me. Consciously choosing not to worry or get worked up. Don’t ask me what has changed because I have been in places in my life before where I didn’t feel like I could let go to save my life! So I’m not sure how I’ve been able to but I don’t really care. I’m just trying to hold onto it.

I think that taking time to have my coffee and “quiet time” every morning makes a difference. I have been thinking and writing (journal) a lot about my expectations of myself, not taking things personally, and not worrying about what other people think. Sure, it would be nice to reach all these goals that I have set for myself but, if something is not working (like several of them are not), it’s time to take a look at why instead of beating myself about the head and shoulders for not being able to do it. I’ve also been thinking a lot about habits and how to change/start them. I’ve come across a bunch of good information about this and I’m starting to implement new habits in baby steps. In the past I have tried to do things whole hog/cold turkey instead of making gradual changes and it has rarely worked for me. So this time I am trying to find small steps that I can take to build better habits and not to get down on myself if I can’t or don’t follow through. Part of this process for me is to determine what are reasonable goals for me. I’ve never been good at that. I’ve always thought that I should be able to do everything. The older I get, the less I am willing to put myself through pain and anguish to push myself to be able to do everything.

Peace. I’ve been after that elusive goal for a very long time in my life. I feel like I’m closer than I’ve ever been because I have let go of expectations that others have had of me, those that I thought that others might have had of me, and those that I have imposed ruthlessly on myself. It feels very freeing to let go of the self-flagellation that I have put myself through for most of my life. I have been notoriously hard on myself. Harder than any parent or boss could ever have been. But I’m done with that. I am finding out how to improve myself without beating myself up. For a long time I didn’t think it was possible to improve without guilting or insulting myself. Silly, I know, but there you have it.

So I got a voice mail on my cell phone today from my OB/GYN, or at least the one that is filling in for the one who was filling in for the one who went on maternity leave and is not coming back. Or at least not coming back to that particular practice. Ya’ got all that? Anyway, I digress. He said that the lab results show that the biopsy got all of the abnormal cells on my cervix and a Pap test would be in order in 4 months. Lucky me, I get to go in every 4 months to do what most women get to do once a year. But I’m looking on the bright side here. I have a clean slate. There’s no guarantee that more abnormal cells won’t grow in there but, for now anyway, they’re gone.

The *eh* news is that I’m still bleeding, bright red at times. It’s only light but, still. Some bleeding is to be expected but I wonder how long this is supposed to go on. As it is now the weekend and can’t call the doc back, I’m going to be on the internet trying to find out what’s “normal”. I’m not *worried* and I think it’s all within the normal range but, I just can’t help but look stuff up on the internet. Not sure why but there you have it.

So the LEEP recovery has been going well. Today there was more “stuff” than the previous two and a half days and it was a different color. Yes, I am aware that I am typing about “personal bodily fluids” and I’m not entirely comfortable with it but, for those of you who have found my blog because you searched anything having to do with LEEP, I feel like I need to be brutally honest about my experience. I wish I had found someone’s blog telling me about the experience and recovery before I had the procedure. It may have helped me be a little less nervous. I thought I was home-free after the first day or two not having any actually red discharge. Until today. Not only did it change color but I also had cramping and pain. I’ve had this cramping and pain mid-cycle before so I didn’t think much of it until I went to the bathroom today. So I sat down, put my feet up and let The Daddy take care of Tater Tot and dinner. I haven’t been exercising strenuously since I am forbidden but I have been lifting The Tater Tot more than I probably should. She’s pushing 30 pounds at this point so she may qualify as “heavy lifting” which I am also forbidden to do. I think I’m still ok as the little instruction sheet they gave me said that some bleeding was normal for the first couple of weeks but I don’t want to take any chances. I’m not even sure what I think could be happening in there….

Oh well. Otherwise, life is pretty good. I have been more peaceful and more happy than I have been in a long time. Not much is different in my life that would warrant more peace and happiness than before. But, nevertheless, I am. I’m sure that it has more to do with a shift in my attitude and thoughts than a shift in my circumstances. Especially since I have been doing miserably on my New Year’s Resolutions. Yeah, no self-discipline whatsoever. Worse than before the holidays. I need to focus on changing habits day to day. Not focusing on the end goal and how I’m not meeting it. That’s not gonna work. So be looking in the next week for a post on changing old habits and building new ones. There’s gotta be something in there that can make things click…

Yesterday was the day. I kept waiting for them to call and cancel but they didn’t. Nothing came up on my end either to make me cancel so I told Gammaw “Come on down” to watch the Tater Tot. I set out for my appointment and, when I arrived at 9:30, realized that I had forgotten my purse. That means that I forgot my wallet with my driver’s license and money, my iPod that I was going to use to relax me during the procedure, and my sanity a little bit. I sign in, they call my name to deal with the co-pay and they can’t find me on the list for 9:30. No, no, no, no! This has been rescheduled 4 different times! I AM having a LEEP today. End of story. Turns out I got my appointment time wrong. It was at 11:30. I head home for a little while and, while driving home, I see flashing lights behind me. Oh crap. Just what I need. I have just psyched myself up for the forty kazillionth time to have this procedure that didn’t end up happening, I don’t have my driver’s license, and I’m going to get a speeding ticket. In my youth, I might have been arrogant enough to think I could bat my eyelashes out of the ticket but I do not delude myself with those thoughts now at almost 40 years old. So I resigned myself to a speeding ticket and silently thanked my husband for affixing my registration sticker on my car this weekend. As it turns out, the cop who pulled me over was in a good mood. Or maybe he’s just naturally generous and kind. I’ll never know but I am extremely grateful for whatever caused him to be kind to me. It turns out that, not only did I not have my driver’s license, but I also did not have a copy of my insurance with me and I was speeding. Talk about a train wreck. He ended up only giving me a fix-it ticket for not having my license with me and a warning about my speed and not having a copy of my insurance on me (a $680 ticket!!). I could have very easily been paying $800 to the city yesterday but instead I only have to go to the police station, show them my driver’s license, pay $10 and have them sign off that I did that. Only by the grace of God, I tell you.

I finally make it home after bursting into tears while driving the rest of the way. I am grateful that I was spared the hefty fines and that he was so kind to me but the whole situation basically chewed away at the last thread of emotional “hanging on” that I had. The appointment being at 11:30 meant that Gammaw was going to have to do lunch and the nap time routine, which could be interesting. I made lunch and put it in the fridge to make things easier on Gammaw and set about psyching myself up again for my 11:30 appointment while obeying Tater Tot’s edicts to “Mommy make a house” with her blocks.

I set out again for my 11:30 appointment, this time with my purse, my proof of car insurance, and a little bit more of my sanity. I’m waiting in the waiting room, a little nervous but definitely ready to get this thing over with. I sign in, pick up a completely out of date magazine to read to occupy my mind so that it doesn’t whack out and cause me to walk out of the office, and wait. I’m called in a little bit after my appointment time and the nurse tells me “The doctor was called to the hospital for an emergency. Can you come back at 1:45?” Whaaaaat? Oh crap. I call Gammaw and see if she can stay. Of course she can because she wants me to get this over with almost as much as I want to. So I tell the nurse I’ll be back at 1:45 and set off home again. It turns out to be a good thing because Tater Tot is not really havin’ Gammaw’s interpretation of the nap time routine. So I was able to put her down and she fell right to sleep! That’s unusual lately. Lately she’s been talking to Gossageesie and Dora for quite a while before zonking out.

So Gammaw goes to get lunch at a local sandwich shop and we talk over the anxiety I’m feeling about the procedure, our latest gas and electric bill, getting older, and whatever else will keep my mind occupied to ease my nerves while we munch on our sandwiches. I leave for the 1:45 appointment thinking “I will believe that I’m having this procedure when it is actually happening.” I resist psyching myself up again because I halfway believe that something will happen to cause it to be canceled. I mean, why wouldn’t I believe that? It’s been 5 times that something has gotten in the way of this procedure happening. Thrice canceled/rescheduled by the doctor’s office and twice rescheduled my me. Once because my period started 4 days early and once because we were evacuating due to the wild fires. I arrive, sign in for the third time today and sit down. I’m called in almost immediately and we get on our way. They make me pee in a cup, give me a release to sign and an instruction sheet for after. I’m prepped with a big ‘ol patch on my right thigh “to ground you” and listening to my iPod. I only have to wait 10 minutes or so (I usually have to wait at least 20). The doc comes in and we talk about my situation, what he’s going to do today and that he thinks listening to my iPod is a fantastic idea. So does the nurse.

I had put the iPod on pause while he was talking me through what he was going to do and “arranging” me so that he could operate. We’re about to get underway and my iPod takes a crap! Frozen. Unable to play music. I am pressing buttons, engaging and disengaging the “hold” button, taking the headphones out and putting them back in, desperately trying anything to get it to work for the next couple of minutes. He asks me if I’ve got my music going and can I hear him. I tell him what has happened and all three of us laugh. Oh well, it was a great idea. He says “We’re almost done anyway. By the time you get it figured out, we’ll be done.” Wow! That was fast. Don’t get me wrong, my thighs are tensed, I am frantically gripping my iPod and futilely pressing buttons even though I know it will do no good whatsoever, just to occupy my shaking hands. I do NOT do well with procedures down in my “girl parts”. I just don’t. Regular exams are fine but if you’re going to cut anything out of me, no matter how small it is, you’d better just knock me out. He finishes making my cervix “pretty” and we’re done! He examines my iPod, pronounces it “dead” and tells me he really likes the Nano. Mine is a third-generation that’s been around a long time. It was over pretty quick. Somewhere around 6 minutes. Maybe less. It was a little “pinchy” in spots when he was numbing the cervix, taking the tissue sample out and when he was cauterizing the incision so that it wouldn’t bleed but I can’t say it was truly painful. It was uncomfortable, for sure but not necessarily painful. The numbing part was less pinchy than it usually is when the dentist numbs you up for a procedure.

So, all in all, it was not as bad as I expected it to be. It doesn’t help that I had months to build this thing up in my head after each cancellation. Would I want to do it again? Of course not! But if I do have to have it done again, I will not be as nervous. Especially if this doctor is doing it. He’s good at what he does and I was wrong about his “bedside manner”. He was very calming and reassuring. It helps also that he has been doing this for 26 years.

I was pretty wiped out from the day and finding myself having to really dig deep to not get impatient with The Tot during the hour between Gammaw leaving and The Daddy getting home. Luckily, The Daddy came home ready to take over and I got to rest. A glass of wine really, really helped. I was feeling a little crampy down there and just generally tentative but, after a glass of wine, I felt much better. No crampiness and much more relaxed! This morning, I feel fine. There are some things that I have to avoid for 2-3 weeks, including strenuous exercise. Shouldn’t be a problem!

The title describes my life right now. I’m trying to make minor adjustments in oh so many areas of my life right now and do you know what it all adds up to? Major adjustment! Ha! Oh well, what can ‘ya do?

So far I have made minor adjustments in my diet and have lost 3 pounds. Yay! Unfortunately, that still puts me slightly above the weight that I was at before the “Between Christmas And New Year’s Feeding Frenzy”. But, yet another of my minor adjustments is to focus on the positive so I guess I should have just left it at “I’ve lost 3 pounds. Yay!”. I’m also trying to add a little extra onto my exercise routine. A Pilates DVD here, a weight work out there. Not as successful on this front but I’m still trying!

Tater Tot’s sleep schedule is getting some minor adjustment to move her bed time back about an hour. Right now she goes to bed at 6pm and gets up at 6am but I think a later bed time is appropriate for her and she doesn’t really get much time with her Daddy after he gets home from work. So we’re slowly moving things back, 15 minutes at a time. So far this has resulted in slightly less sleep for her and slightly more aggravation for me but, all in all, it’s going okay. And I think it’s the right thing to do so we press on.

Our food budget and spending habits, which really probably need major adjustments, are getting some minor adjustments, too. I could just go Rambo on this but this is an area in which I need to take smaller steps and get more creative. Speaking of creative, I’m also trying to tweak my dinner menu. Which is NOT creative in the least. Even I’M bored by my less-than-interesting cooking these days.

Then there’s always the “getting more organized” New Year’s resolution. That one’s going okay, I guess. I’m remembering to check my calendar before I go to bed and when I wake up so that I’m not forgetting appointments or play dates or whatever else is on there. And I’m doing some de-cluttering, donating, sorting and “containing” so that all of our “stuff” is not taking over our home. Baby steps.

Am I biting off more than I can chew? Probably. But, so far I am experiencing moderate success so I guess I’ll just keep going. It’s all about breaking the old habits and making new ones. So far, so good.

Yes, it’s one of those days. It started out okay, except that I woke up a little later than usual. Unfortunately it wasn’t because I slept longer than usual, just because I got to bed later and slept crappier. Coffee helped. It always does. Tater Tot got up at the usual time and we went on our morning walk. That part was actually fun. Then on to grocery shopping, trying to find the best deals and hitting two different grocery stores. I was paying attention to my cell phone, of course, because the plumber was supposed to come between 9 and 1 today and they call when they’re 10 minutes out. Luckily we got our shopping done and put all the groceries away just as the plumber called and said he was on his way. Everything kinda goes down hill from there, unfortunately, although there is a bright spot, I guess. The minute the plumber gets here, Tater Tot cries. I’m not just talking about a little whimper, either. Screaming banshee crying. Tried to put her down with her blocks and trains which are her favorites right now so I could talk to the guy and it just got worse. But holding her and having her scream in my ear wasn’t much better. So we just screamed at each other, explaining the plumbing issue and what he was going to need to do to diagnose it. When I sat down with her and he was just in there doing his thing, she was fine but if he set one toe outside of the bathroom, screaming and crying resumed. Yeah, he was a big guy but I didn’t think he was that scary! Turns out that it’s not going to cost as much to repair as it could have, which is the bright spot. But he couldn’t finish the work today because he had other calls that his agency had scheduled for him. So he’s coming back on Friday. No big deal. By the time he got the diagnosis and estimate done, Tater Tot was asleep so I was grateful to not have to yell. I guess that’s another bright spot. I’m trying to remember to focus on the positive! Basically, I had enough time to shove a frozen chimichanga down my throat after talking to the plumber when I hear crying coming from the baby monitor. WHAT?! Only a 40 minute nap? Gak! Maybe she’s just crying out in her sleep like she sometimes does. No such luck. Wide awake and ready to be freaked out, apparently because she was Sensitive Girl for another hour after she woke up.

Let’s review: crappy night’s sleep, woke up late, the stress of trying to cut our grocery bill significantly,screaming child, an unexpected bill, and very little break during the day. Not the best day ever, so far. But not the worst, either. Just one of Those Days. If I can get the pot roast to turn out, maybe we still have a shot…wish me luck!

Yeah, so the resolutions…I’m doing okay, I guess. I’ve lost 2 pounds (after gaining 5 and needing to lose 9 more!) and I am more organized for the time being. It’s all a matter of developing habits. Bad habits got me 10 pounds heavier than I want to be and without any clean undergarments. And good habits will set me free! Okay, maybe not set me free but they will assure that I am not running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off trying to get everything done. And they will help me not forget so much stuff. I swear my brain is like a sieve. It’s scary how easily I forget stuff these days.

What have I done? Well, I’ve cut ice cream and most sugar out of my diet completely. It’s not fun and I don’t like it. But it’s not as bad as it could be. I usually walk every morning but I haven’t gotten it together enough to add more exercise, like a weight work out or a Pilates DVD to my routine yet. But I will. As for organizing, I have a paper organizer (imagine that, organizing yourself with an organizer) with a calendar and some daily routines that will ensure that things run smoothly in my house on a daily basis. I’ve tried electronic organizers and I’m just not feelin’ ‘em. I like paper. So I write stuff down and actually look at the calendar. It works as long as you remember to look at the *&%# thing.

I’m not on the high that I was when I first started, all optimism and determination (that was probably sugar-fueled anyway!) but I am taking small steps toward changing habits and it feels good. It would feel better to make progress more quickly but, chances are that it wouldn’t last if I did. So I plod along and work toward my goals with the intention of seeing results a little farther down the road. And on that note, it is officially my bed time since I’m trying to get more sleep. Signing off…

1.5 pounds, that is. When I wrote the previous post I really only had 8.5 pounds to lose to get to my goal of losing 10 pounds. As of yesterday I have 11.5. Yeah, I treated myself a little bit between Christmas and New Year’s. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted! It doesn’t sound like much to lose but when you’re 5′2″ and at the most you’ve ever weighed not pregnant, every pound counts.

So yesterday was the first day of Diet and Organize. It was a pretty good day. The Tater Tot hung out with me while I de-cluttered some parts of the office and rearranged things so her toys fit in there better. Dragged some empty containers out of the garage and sorted toys into them, snapped the lids in place and voila! Better organization! We’ll see how long it lasts. Her birthday is in less than two months and she’ll be getting more stuff so…

The other part of organizing is more “time/event/routines” organizing than “stuff” organizing and for that I think I’m going to go back to Flylady.net. I’ve known about and have been following the “Flylady guidelines” for a long time now but I’ve been seriously slippin’ for about 6 months. I read an email she sent the other day about waking up to a sink full of dirty dishes making you grouchy and I could totally relate. Last night was the first night in a loooong time that I made sure that the dishes were all done, sink was clean, high chair tray was clean and ready to go and my laundry was started. AND I got to bed at a reasonable time! I woke up this morning and thought “Holy cow! This is what it’s like to not have to hit the ground running in the morning!” It was nice to have that time to myself instead of having to start right in on “getting it done”.

It was kind of a challenge not to eat something sweet last night since I’ve gotten in the habit of having a little treat of some sort every night. But there really wasn’t anything left in the house that was sweet since I ATE IT ALL! And I was too lazy to go to the store and get a treat. More accurately, I didn’t want to feel like a complete loser trekking out to the store less than 24 hours after my resolution started to break it. Besides the fact that I’m really feeling like it’s time to just do this thing. I’m tired of looking back at the past month (or two or five months) and realizing that I’m in the exact same place I was before. I’m tired of thinking “If you had just stuck to it, you’d be there by now”. And I’m tired of wanting to look different. I know it’s not going to be easy. And maybe I’ll decide instead that I’m really okay with how I look and I don’t need to lose 11.5 pounds. It could happen. It probably won’t but it could!

It’s all about habits. Habits that keep me organized (or unorganized), habits that keep me heavier than I want to be, habits that keep me tired and stressed out. It’s all a matter of getting used to something different. Of course I expect the occasional slip-up but the trick is not to let it get back to a habit. Nothin’ wrong with a little treat every now and again!

So wish me luck!