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For the past couple of days I’ve found myself feeling a little bit overwhelmed, cranky, and short of humor. The only common factor that I can find is lack of sleep. But more important to me than figuring out why I’ve been cranky is realizing that it has been a loooong time since I’ve felt overwhelmed and cranky. I realized that for a while now I have been happier than I had been for a long time. I generally have learned to let go of a lot of things, take fewer things so personally, and in lots of areas, be kinder to myself. My house isn’t much cleaner than before, I do not weigh less than I did, and my life did not drastically change (i.e. I did NOT win the lottery or inherit a large sum of money). But I am doing more of what I enjoy and enjoying more what I have to do.

I am enjoying waking up to a shiny kitchen a la Flylady instead of running around like a headless chicken trying to get the dishes out of the sink and the laundry that should have been done the night before started before The Tot wakes up. And if, for whatever reason, I decide NOT to take care of the dishes and laundry before I go to bed, I am able to let go of that and get to them when I can the next day without feeling guilty or like a failure. I am enjoying being the low price detective for groceries and other things (make a game out of it…it goes down much easier that way). I am consciously choosing not to let “stuff” get to me. Consciously choosing not to worry or get worked up. Don’t ask me what has changed because I have been in places in my life before where I didn’t feel like I could let go to save my life! So I’m not sure how I’ve been able to but I don’t really care. I’m just trying to hold onto it.

I think that taking time to have my coffee and “quiet time” every morning makes a difference. I have been thinking and writing (journal) a lot about my expectations of myself, not taking things personally, and not worrying about what other people think. Sure, it would be nice to reach all these goals that I have set for myself but, if something is not working (like several of them are not), it’s time to take a look at why instead of beating myself about the head and shoulders for not being able to do it. I’ve also been thinking a lot about habits and how to change/start them. I’ve come across a bunch of good information about this and I’m starting to implement new habits in baby steps. In the past I have tried to do things whole hog/cold turkey instead of making gradual changes and it has rarely worked for me. So this time I am trying to find small steps that I can take to build better habits and not to get down on myself if I can’t or don’t follow through. Part of this process for me is to determine what are reasonable goals for me. I’ve never been good at that. I’ve always thought that I should be able to do everything. The older I get, the less I am willing to put myself through pain and anguish to push myself to be able to do everything.

Peace. I’ve been after that elusive goal for a very long time in my life. I feel like I’m closer than I’ve ever been because I have let go of expectations that others have had of me, those that I thought that others might have had of me, and those that I have imposed ruthlessly on myself. It feels very freeing to let go of the self-flagellation that I have put myself through for most of my life. I have been notoriously hard on myself. Harder than any parent or boss could ever have been. But I’m done with that. I am finding out how to improve myself without beating myself up. For a long time I didn’t think it was possible to improve without guilting or insulting myself. Silly, I know, but there you have it.