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No, not pregnant. I didn’t mean that. I’ve had a rather traumatic month in “the girl parts” anyway. Not much chance of even an accidental pregnancy. I meant that I can’t tell if I’m still fighting this thing off or just not taking good enough care of myself. Or it could be another thyroid wig-out…who knows? I think it’s probably a little bit of the first two but I never rule out the thyroid wig-out, either. “Taking it easy” and not expecting much from myself feels like it’s becoming a habit. And, no, I don’t mean that in a good way. I just never feel like doing anything because I’m so tired. Not even make sure we all have clean undies…that can’t be good.

It doesn’t help that The Mucous has woken me up coughing frequently the past two nights. And last night Tater Tot decided to wake up twice, asking for grapes one time and for “Mommy to rock ‘zhyou’ for a song” the other time. The books I’ve read say that I should ignore her and I probably will if it becomes a pattern. In hindsight, I probably went in too quickly the second time. But, in my defense, I was severely sleep-deprived by that point since I had not only been awakened once by Tater Tot already but I had also been woken up by The Mucous twice. I can’t even estimate how much sleep I didn’t get last night because every time I fell asleep, I was woken up a short time later.

Blah, blah, blah, negative, blah, blah. Sorry about that. I’m feeling a lot better than the last time I posted. At least I can breathe! But the energy level is low and I’m having a real hard time making it through the afternoon without a second cup of coffee. For many people that wouldn’t be an issue but I’m trying to decrease the amount of inflammatory foods that I eat. Long story. I’m not doing that well with it but I’m still trying.

The short version of the long story starts with the fact that I just asked for and got copies of the last two years’ worth of my Pap tests, colposcopies, and the LEEP procedure I just had done. They had told me that I had a high grade lesion but really didn’t tell me what that meant or where I stood in the progression from abnormal cells on the cervix to cervical cancer. So I did some diggin’. Turns out that the lesion they removed from me most recently is not considered cancer but only by a hair. If it goes through the top layer of the skin to the tissue below, it is considered cancer. Mine stopped just short of going through that layer. In the past couple of days I’ve read a lot about what causes recurrence of “CIN 3″ or “High Grade Squamous Intraepitheliel Lesion” and, honestly, I think it could go either way with me. The bonus of the situation is that cervical cancer is generally slow-growing and a hysterectomy can cure it as long as it hasn’t spread to other parts of the body. Not that I want to go that route but you get the picture.

I currently am feeling pretty ambivalent because my nature is to want to control the heck out of the situation which would mean eating completely organically, avoiding any and all xenoestrogens, and generally living in a bubble to avoid recurrence. However, as Gammaw and I realized the other day, the plastic that the bubble was made out of wouldn’t even be safe since it probably would be made out of one of those plastics that has PVCs or some other harmful chemicals. And, honestly, right now we can’t afford to eat all organically. And I’m too invested in just living my life to live in a bubble. Yes, I will take baby steps to change some habits. I’ve already made some changes in my personal care products but I am looking to make more. And, if you wear make up, you just can’t escape harmful chemicals. I am just not secure enough a person to go completely without make up. It’s just not gonna happen. I wish I had that “peaches and cream” complexion but mine’s more like “sunburn and dishwater”. All uneven and blotchy with nice grey pits by the eyes. Yeah, attractive without makeup. And my eyes? They kind of disappear unless lined and mascara’d. Ask anyone that I have surfed with and they will tell you, “She cleans up nice.” because I look like a completely different person without make up. It just makes me feel more confident. Anyway…I will look for make up that is even less harmful and leave it at that, I think.

I have read alternative health articles about how xenoestrogens affect abnormal cells, how they and “inflammation” cause increased cell division (which increases the chance that cells will mutate and become cancerous) and what I can do to keep that from happening and I feel like making that many changes right now would just suck all the fun out of life. I know that eating an anti-inflammatory diet and avoiding xenoestrogens is good for me and that there is beginning to be more scientific evidence for this but I just don’t feel capable of changing that much right now. There appear to be too many crutches that I use on a daily basis to boost my mood, energy level and, let’s face it, self-esteem to change them all at once without major backlash! Oh well, what can you do? As Gammaw says “Your stress level can impact your health as well. Let go and relax.” or some such thing. Sorry for the bad paraphrase, Mom. But the message is the same. And I hear you loud and clear.