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Okay, so I know that between 2 and 3…oh, let’s get real. Between 1 and 4 or 5, there are a LOT of tantrums that happen. We have been having more than our fair share of them around here. In fact, “we” had a doozy at the end of our Mommy and Me class the other day. At the end of class she just unraveled. It was no different behavior than I see at home on a daily basis but it felt so much more magnified since it was playing out in front of at least 10 other Mommies and Kiddos. I handled it like I would at home and just did the best I could but it sent me running to my favorite fount of information, the Internet, to find out more about how to deal with my Princess’s tantrums in a constructive way. Here is some of what I came up with.

Apparently, according to Dr. Sears, there are two kinds of tantrums: manipulative and frustration. Bottom line: ignore the manipulative ones and empathize with the frustration ones. You have to let your Little Manipulator know with verbal and behavioral cues that tantrums are not the way to go. Don’t let them push your buttons and get into a power struggle or yelling match. For your Sensitive Guy or Girl who is throwing a frustration tantrum, getting down on their eye level and asking them to “Tell Mommy what you want” is helpful. Also helpful if they are frustrated by a particular task is to help them with part of the task and then encourage them to complete it on their own. We get a lot of those “Do it by myself” kind of tantrums around here so I’m going to try that tip out soon.

I’m going to cut to the chase and give you a handy-dandy bullet-point list of the tips I found helpful:

• Keep a tantrum diary to help figure out triggers and pre-tantrum behavior. This can help you ward the tantrums off.
• Keep in mind that tantrums are a normal part of a child developing independence. Don’t see it as a reflection of your parenting ability
• Keep your composure, even if your child is losing it in public. He/She needs you to stay in control since they are not. Get your child and yourself to a more private place to help them calm down.
• Be realistic about your expectations for your child. Don’t take them some place when you know that there will be triggers galore. Like when they’re hungry, tired, or overstimulated. Plan your trips according to what’s going on with your child, if possible.
• If they are tantrumming because they want something (perfect example is the check-out line), don’t give in! If you do, you are setting yourself up for many, many battles at every check-out line you enter. Intro to Psychology tells us that intermittent reinforcement builds the strongest habits. If you give in once, they will assume that you will give in again. Even if you don’t give in the next time, they will continue to try whenever they encounter that situation because the hope is there.

  What I didn’t find in the articles but I have realized that I need to implement myself is deep breathing and “going to my happy place”. Tantrums irritate the CRAP outta me. I mean, they send me from zero to sixty in 2 seconds flat. So far I have been able to maintain my composure but I realized that I need to take a different view of her tantrums. Most of her tantrums are truly frustration tantrums and she feels like the world is ending. I need to be empathetic instead of irritated, even when she’s shouting “NO!” at me. So I take a deep breath (or a few, depending on the situation), sort of disconnect myself emotionally from her behavior, and speak calmly to her. I put everything else on hold. The grocery store run we need to be doing, other people’s stares if we are in public, the appointment we’re late for. I get down on her level, speak to her calmly and explain to her why she can’t have that/do that/bring that. Or I distract her with a request to help Mommy. Or, if she’ll let me, I give her a hug and say that I’m sorry she’s so upset. It’s not easy for me. I’m easily frustrated myself although I’ve learned to deal with it. And I need to help her learn how to deal with it. So I put her needs first and get the stink-eye from the receptionist at whatever appointment for which we are late. Small price to pay for my kid knowing that she and her feelings are important to me.

  Another thing I have implemented in our house since The Tot is an only child and will likely stay that way, is the “You are not a spoiled girl so why are you acting like one?” Defense. Tater Tot likes to say “YOU WANT THAT (fill in the blank)” in a loud, demanding voice and, sometimes, throw a fit if she doesn’t get it. Now, I don’t know if this is normal two year old behavior or what but it doesn’t fly in my house. So when she does that I have started saying to her something along the lines of “Hm, that sounds a lot like a spoiled, demanding voice and we don’t talk that way around here. Mommy knows that you’re not a spoiled girl so you need to talk in a nice voice. How do you ask nicely?” Works like a charm so far. She’s learning. And so am I.