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I’m depressed. It feels good to admit it. Am I so depressed that I can’t function? No. Am I clinically depressed and in need of therapy and medication? No. I know these things because I am “retired” Licensed Clinical Social Worker and, although evaluating my own symptoms is probably not totally objective, I know enough to know that I have coping skills and I am using them. The one where I sit on the couch after Tater Tot has gone to bed and stare, slack-jawed and drooling at the television or stuff my face with snack-foods probably isn’t the most healthy but it’s better than some ways that people “cope”. I actually DO have coping skills and a support network so I am okay but there are more down-in-the-dumps moments these days than before and I feel less healthy.

A couple of days ago there were lots of down-in-the-dumps moments, all in a row. It just kinda hit me. Until I know more about how to take care of Tater Tot’s diabetes, we’re kind of in a box. Restricted by numbers and time. Unable to stay as long as we’d like or participate in as many activities or be as spontaneous. It felt like someone had put the lid on the box and had forgotten to poke holes for air. I cried. A lot. I know that, once I have more experience caring for a child with diabetes, we will be able to make exceptions and adapt to situations. But, for now, I don’t feel like I have that flexibility and it is completely stifling.

I am the “primary caregiver” for a lot of things. I take care of Tater Tot physically, emotionally, developmentally, medically, and nutritionally. I try to take care of my husband physically, emotionally, and sexually. I take care of the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, and the finances. And I try to take care of myself. Now that diabetes has entered our lives, the taking care of myself has been squeezed out of the picture. There just isn’t room for it anymore. Which is probably why I am sick with a cold yet again. There is no “sleeping in”. Not a lot of flexibility in our schedule because of Tater Tot’s need to be on a pretty tight food/insulin schedule. And, if her blood sugar is low at bed time, she needs a snack. Which means she stays up past her bed time. Which means I have less time for myself. Which makes me a little bit crazy. And then there’s the need to test her in the middle of the night if her blood sugar is low at bed time to make sure she doesn’t dip down again. Even less sleep than I’m getting? Not a good idea.

I know that many people would say I need to ask my husband to take over so I can have a break. And he sometimes does. But when both of us are so tired that we could fall asleep by 6pm and he is working a weekend job in addition to teaching, how can I ask him to take over? I suppose we could trade off but I guess I figure that, since he is working so hard so that I can stay home with The Tot, he gets to be the one that gets the break.

Yesterday was one of those times that he took over. I went for an exercise walk by myself and it felt weird to not be pushing a stroller. Good, but weird. I felt like Forrest Gump, wanting to keep going and going and going until I just didn’t want to go anymore. “Run, Forrest! Run!” Not running away from my family, just “running myself out”. I used to do that when I was young and single and relatively free from responsibility. I would run until I didn’t want to run anymore. Then I’d be so far from home that I had to run even more to get home. By the time I got back, I’d be so worn out I didn’t care about what had been bothering me before I started the run. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, time and injury prevent me from doing that these days. But it felt good to be on my own and free from responsibility even just for 45 minutes.

I know that I need to find more ways to get time to myself. But they just don’t seem to be there. Even if I don’t get time to myself, it has become readily apparent that I need to sleep more and take better care of myself. It’s hard to do because it means putting aside the things I love to do but have no time to do anymore. Those things that I stay up too late doing and get up too early to do. I guess it’s all about balance. And I haven’t quite found it yet. I will. But not yet.

As it turns out, my mini-break-down was short-lived. That doesn’t mean that I’m not living with a low-level depression. It just means that my toes are away from the edge. It means that I am functioning well in most areas and I’m able to take care of my daughter and have a good time with her. But what is missing is that I’m having a hard time taking care of myself. I have to get her up earlier in order to time her meals and insulin in a way that works for our schedule. She goes to bed later because, inevitably, her blood sugar is too low at bed time so she gets a snack. Which means Mommy Time has shrunk. Like there was very much to begin with. I am not eating right and I am not exercising as much. I am not sleeping enough in a stupid and vain attempt to have a teeny bit of anything for myself. I am being Super Mom and Wonder Woman and it is taking a toll. I am caring for everyone else except myself and it can’t last much longer. I’ve gotta change something or I will crash soon. Unfortunately, I can’t see where the change is going to happen. The Daddy is starting his Spring work schedule which means the seasonal job that he works in addition to teaching is giving him more hours. That means Mommy needs to suck it up and deal because Daddy’s tired, too. Gotta figure something out soon, though.

On a more positive note, The Tot is adjusting well. Her need for insulin is decreasing during the “honeymoon period” so she tends to run on the low blood sugar side of things right now until we work with the docs to figure it out but we’ve got it under control. We’ve established a routine, of sorts, and she’s back to doing her normal activities. I have noticed, however, that she has gotten a lot pickier since she’s been home from the hospital. Doesn’t want to do as many things and doesn’t want to eat certain things, either. I used to be able to suggest a snack and have her jump at it but now she says “Different snack” several times until I get the right one. She doesn’t want to go on a walk after dinner like she used to and she doesn’t want to go on our morning Stroller Ride. She has never, ever, ever said “Don’t want that” about any dinner that I have made but I have heard her say that multiple times since we have been home from the hospital.

I can’t help but wonder if this is her almost-three-year-old way of controlling what she can control. She is learning to say “yes” instead of “no” to lots of Mommy requests (things that are inappropriate to say “no” to), including getting stuck multiple times a day and when to change her diapers (although I try to give her choices about that, too!). So, really, food and activities are the things that she can control right now. Side note: not a good time to start potty training again! It would just end up in a power struggle, I think.

So, all-in-all, we are settling in to a new reality and things are going as well as can be expected. I have a mainly treatment-compliant child who is asserting her independence in other ways, which is not a problem in the grand scheme of things. It makes meal time a bit challenging but at least she’s not screaming when I try to give her insulin. I’ve got to be grateful for that. My sense of humor has not quite figured out how to make the best of the situation yet but it’s only been three weeks, people. It’ll happen.