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Things have been a bit, well, raw lately. I haven’t been writing that much even though I’d like to because I feel like I’d just be complaining and whining to my three readers. And I don’t want to drive you away. Lord knows I can’t afford to lose any of the three of you.

I’ve thought about what posts I can write that add value to your lives either through information and education or humor. Posts that I can write that entertain and inform. Topics I can cover that many parents will relate to. I got nothin’. Nothin’ but a whole lotta nothin’. And that stems from having no time to myself. No time to feel creative or replenish my energy stores or be motivated to do much of anything. At least with a newborn, I could find the humor in things. I could find a way to make fun of myself. I haven’t gotten there yet with this stage of my life. I will. I’m starting to. But not quite yet.

The less than zero time to myself is coming to a head. I need to take a break or sanity will leave and The Daddy will have 24-7 responsibility of Tater Tot and her Diabetes because I will be at The Funny Farm. They will be able to visit me in my padded cell and maybe, if I’m good, they’ll undo one of my arms so I can give my little girl and husband a side-hug. All while closely supervised, of course.

Okay, maybe it’s not that bad but it still merits a bit of attention. Which is why I am grateful that this Thursday is the monthly Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation Parent Coffee in my neck of the woods. I so badly need to connect with parents who have been through this or are going through this. I need support from someone who knows what it’s like. I’m just not sure that anyone else but a Diabetes Mom would understand the crushing responsibility for everything from damage to future IQ to diabetic retinopathy due to poor blood sugar control to treating daily low blood sugars that could become fatal or the futile attempt to keep a toddler’s blood sugars within the acceptable range. And while the JDRF Mentor Mom they assigned me is really great, I need to know her a bit better to show my crazy. I’m sure she probably would understand a babbling, sobbing mess calling her on the phone but I just have not been able to do that lately. I think partly because I’m not sure how to articulate what’s wrong. Except that I need a break. There is nobody I can leave Tater Tot with because I am it. Nevermind that the stress of trying to keep her blood sugar in range, save as much money as humanly possible while making it all stretch as far as I can AND while feeding my family in the healthiest possible way and keeping the house tidy and organized so as to provide a supportive environment for above-mentioned hard-working husband is driving me crazy and providing no time to take care of myself. Minor details.

I know that we will get this all worked out and I will adjust. We’re just hitting some speed bumps. Very large, very ugly speed bumps. Unfortunately, along the way, This Mommy is getting a little irritated and I can safely say that I will not be winning the Mother of The Year Award.

I found myself thinking today “If I just didn’t need so much time to myself I’d be a better mother. Why can’t I be one of those women who takes care of everyone else and doesn’t need anything for herself”. Yes, in hindsight, this was a stupid thought, I admit…I don’t think that woman exists and, if she does, she shouldn’t. I have no earthly idea how much time a “normal” person needs to themselves but it feels like I need an inordinate amount of time to myself. As the mother of a diabetic toddler, I don’t get that time so I perpetually feel like I’m running on empty. In fact, the amount of time I get to myself has decreased from zero to less than zero since she was diagnosed. At least I used to be able to choose to sleep through the night if I wanted to before. Now, if her blood sugar is low at bed time, I need to check her in the middle of the night to make sure her bed time snack brought her blood sugar up and that it stayed up. Or if she had a drastic drop between her bed time blood sugar and her waking blood sugar, I need to test in the middle of the night to see what’s happening. Or if her insulin regimen is changed even slightly, I need to test in the middle of the night to make sure she doesn’t go hypoglycemic. Thus, less than zero time to myself. And, no, I can’t ask The Daddy for a break. He’s working two jobs and writing his Master’s Thesis.

I was thinking, “If I didn’t need that time, I wouldn’t feel like I was running on empty, right?” Well, the other day while my sister was talking me out from under the bed (figuratively), she made a good point. “Do you get any time to yourself?” she asked? “Well, no” I answered and a little light bulb went off in my head. Whether or not my need for alone time is “normal” or “excessive”, it is who I am. I can modify somewhat in order to be a good mother. I have done that. But I do not need to be putting a value judgment on who I am right now, especially with what we are going through adjusting to the new-ish diagnosis. My sister and I joked that the thoughts that I was having were like saying “If I only gave up my soul and the very essence of who I am, I would be a better mother.” There will always be something that I think I could/should change in order to do things better and that’s okay. It makes me a better mother. But I need to figure out when it’s “good enough” instead of berating myself for not being perfect. The fact of the matter is that having a little bit of something for myself makes me a better mother. It should be okay to carve out a little bit of time for that.

I have come to the conclusion that, for us right now, it’s okay to not feel guilty when “Horton Hears A Who” is playing and I am doing something I like to do or doing nothing at all. It’s okay for me to take a break from trying so damned hard and coast for a bit. My sanity depends on that conclusion so I’m stickin’ with it!