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I found myself thinking today “If I just didn’t need so much time to myself I’d be a better mother. Why can’t I be one of those women who takes care of everyone else and doesn’t need anything for herself”. Yes, in hindsight, this was a stupid thought, I admit…I don’t think that woman exists and, if she does, she shouldn’t. I have no earthly idea how much time a “normal” person needs to themselves but it feels like I need an inordinate amount of time to myself. As the mother of a diabetic toddler, I don’t get that time so I perpetually feel like I’m running on empty. In fact, the amount of time I get to myself has decreased from zero to less than zero since she was diagnosed. At least I used to be able to choose to sleep through the night if I wanted to before. Now, if her blood sugar is low at bed time, I need to check her in the middle of the night to make sure her bed time snack brought her blood sugar up and that it stayed up. Or if she had a drastic drop between her bed time blood sugar and her waking blood sugar, I need to test in the middle of the night to see what’s happening. Or if her insulin regimen is changed even slightly, I need to test in the middle of the night to make sure she doesn’t go hypoglycemic. Thus, less than zero time to myself. And, no, I can’t ask The Daddy for a break. He’s working two jobs and writing his Master’s Thesis.

I was thinking, “If I didn’t need that time, I wouldn’t feel like I was running on empty, right?” Well, the other day while my sister was talking me out from under the bed (figuratively), she made a good point. “Do you get any time to yourself?” she asked? “Well, no” I answered and a little light bulb went off in my head. Whether or not my need for alone time is “normal” or “excessive”, it is who I am. I can modify somewhat in order to be a good mother. I have done that. But I do not need to be putting a value judgment on who I am right now, especially with what we are going through adjusting to the new-ish diagnosis. My sister and I joked that the thoughts that I was having were like saying “If I only gave up my soul and the very essence of who I am, I would be a better mother.” There will always be something that I think I could/should change in order to do things better and that’s okay. It makes me a better mother. But I need to figure out when it’s “good enough” instead of berating myself for not being perfect. The fact of the matter is that having a little bit of something for myself makes me a better mother. It should be okay to carve out a little bit of time for that.

I have come to the conclusion that, for us right now, it’s okay to not feel guilty when “Horton Hears A Who” is playing and I am doing something I like to do or doing nothing at all. It’s okay for me to take a break from trying so damned hard and coast for a bit. My sanity depends on that conclusion so I’m stickin’ with it!