Toddler Tantrum Behavior
I’ve been writing about The Diva’s, I mean, The Princess’s tantrum behavior that seemed to come out of nowhere lately and I’m back for more. The other day I wrote that it appears to be working, and it is. However, she is a smart kid and figures out ways to up the ante. To The Daddy while having a time out: “I *sniff* love you” in a pitiful little voice probably designed to try and make him shorten the time out. Another gem is repeatedly getting time outs for the same behavior at bed time. ANYthing to delay bed time. She has always tried to do that, just with more positive methods prior to this. Toddler behavior is really very interesting from a sociological standpoint. If you’re NOT their mother, of course.
So, let me tell you what The Princess Tater Tot’s behaviors were that threw me over the edge and made me go look for answers. When we started to try and potty train again (I think this was the trigger for the escalation of “control” behavior), she started “wailing and flailing” when she wouldn’t get her way. When she would ask to do something and I’d say “No” and give her a reason why, she would start crying and yelling that she wanted to do it, throwing herself on the floor in a dramatic flop. Typical tantrum behavior. When she would be doing something I didn’t want her to do and I’d redirect her: same deal. When told to do something (get in the car seat, her booster seat, pull off her pull up diaper, ANYTHING, really) she may comply but veeeeeeeery slowly. Or not at all. She would start asking questions totally unrelated to the command. She would wander around the area we were in as only toddlers can, taking in the world around her and trying to make conversation to distract me from the fact that I had asked her to do something she didn’t want to do. Or she would just plain do something else. Anything else but comply. FanTAStic! Completely crazy-making, I tell you. Especially when you are trying to get out the door to be somewhere on time. As an aside, we have since taken a break from potty training until The Diva is a bit more under control. We WILL be starting again soon as she is due to go to preschool in the Fall.
Let me start this paragraph by saying I have mixed feelings about using negative reinforcement to get my kid to do things. On one hand, it can work beautifully. On the other hand, I want her to obey because it’s the right thing to do, not because she’s afraid she’ll get in trouble. As Dr. Phil would say “How’s that workin’ for ya’?” It isn’t. She doesn’t care if we’re going to be late. She doesn’t particularly care that it would help Mommy at this point, although she has in the past. She doesn’t care how it will help her in the future. It is all about her and what she wants NOW. She is three. This is normal, I think.
For now I am wingin’ it with the following directions very slowly. The ignoring directions I do “time out”, though. Because, until I figure out a better way, I do not want to teach my kid that it’s okay not to listen to me. Let me digress here and tell you that I have talked with her about this. Explained things. She’s smart and she understands. She is 3 and wants control. Normal. However, the scream-and-cry-and-flail-and-wail behavior is automatically “timed out” because it is just not okay. Particularly when it devolves into the fake *sniff, sniff* and fake sobbing behavior. No way, uh-uh, not here Little Missy.
Let me also say that I have a tendency toward black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking that I am aware of and work to balance. I am aware that I can tend to hang on like a pit bull to get what I want. And I don’t want to do that here. But, so far at least, the principles that I’m reading in Marilu Henner’s book “I Refuse to Raise A Brat” make sense to me. The gist of it is that children who continue to throw outrageous tantrums are overindulged. Steps need to be taken to bring them back to the real world where Mommy and Daddy’s “no” means no and their tantrums will not change that. The parent and child are not equal and they should not be treated that way. Parents are The Bosses and should be listened to. She and the psychologist who co-wrote the book seem to agree on the fact that tantrum behavior’s only response should be a firm “no” and a time out if that doesn’t work. The clear message needs to be sent that hysterics won’t change the answer. The reasoning they give resonates with me.
I have also read the “sit with your child and distract them to end the tantrum” side as well as the “hold your child and comfort them” suggestion and they just don’t work for us. Those options fuel the tantrum and “Want Mommy to tell you why…” sobbing questions will continue ad infinitum. Not cool. I have told her why already. She is just trying to get the answer to change. It’s not gonna.
They say that three is the new two and I’m inclined to believe them. She is a smart and sweet child who has picked up some bad habits that it’s time to ditch. Better to tackle them now than in adolescence when it could get really ugly. Wish me luck! 
