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In case you were wondering, yes, I am failing miserably at the “getting to bed on time” habit for January. Just thought I’d let you know. Yeah, on that note, I’m going to bed!

A year ago today, my 3 year old little girl was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. In some ways this has been the longest year of my life and, in others, it seems very strange that we have been living with this for a year already. In some ways I feel like a seasoned pro and in other ways I feel that there is so incredibly much more to learn and know.

The diagnosis came as a complete surprise to me, even after looking up her symptoms online. Type 1 diabetes was something that fit the symptoms but was so far out of the realm of possibility in my mind. But there it was, in capital letters in the doctor’s office that night. Her blood sugar was high enough that the meter they used only read “High”. I remember going to the bathroom to change her diaper because she had soaked it in the half hour that she had it on and returning to the room to have the doctor give us directions to Children’s Hospital and explain that we would be there for 3 days to stabilize her and learn how to care for her with diabetes. I didn’t fall apart. I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel like crying. I think I went into “crisis mode” which, for me, generally entails sucking it up, organizing the crap out of something, and just plain taking care of business. Throughout the hospital stay I was intent on soaking up all of the information they were giving us, reassuring my little girl, and being strong for my husband. It was a long three days. But I had no idea that this was just the beginning. Intellectually, I understood that diabetes is an unpredictable disease in children her age. I understood that we were to aim for control, not perfection. I was (sort of) prepared to test her, give shots, and count carbs. I had no idea how utterly exhausting this disease is for a parent.

I didn’t realize that there would be more nights than not that I would need to wake myself out of a sound sleep to go test her and make sure that her blood sugar was stable. I had no idea the amount of worry that would accompany me everywhere we go and with everything we do. I had no idea. Obviously, I was a parent who took a while to get around to the grieving part. And it has taken a while to get through the grief. In some ways I am not yet done grieving but I am happy to report that I have finally ended the massive pity party that had been going on over here in my head. That’s not to say that there won’t be days when I’ll cry. A lot. Maybe even a few of them in a row. But it feels for now like I have turned a corner. I still resent that I have a “diabetes corner” on my kitchen counter with a sharps container, lancets, alcohol pads, syringes, needle clipper, and our logs. All attractively contained, of course, but a diabetes corner nonetheless. And I resent that I know what insulin smells like. Weird thing to resent, I know, but there you have it. More intensely, I resent that my beautiful 3 year old daughter has to deal with all of the things that Type 1 diabetics have to deal with. I know that it will shape her in a positive way. I know that she will be a stronger person because of it. That still doesn’t make it okay just yet.

During this year I have learned to count, calculate, guesstimate, wing it, to trust someone else to care for her diabetes for a short while (her preschool) and, as much as I can, to let our daughter continue to be a child first and a diabetic second. We have tried a continuous glucose monitor for a week (she hated it) and decided against putting her on an insulin pump. The glucose monitor-hating had a lot to do with that decision. And I have lost a lot of sleep. Some of that due to middle-of-the-night blood sugar testing but some also due to staying up too late and getting up too early to do all the things I want/need to do by myself that make my world okay. The things that make living with diabetes more bearable for me. Things like sewing for my family and my shop , exercising, reading, journaling. Things that take care of me and help me to keep my head on straight. Things that make me something other than Diabetes Mommy. Because, while that is one of my roles, it can’t be my only one. Just like “person with diabetes” will be one of the aspects of my daughter’s identity. But it won’t be the only one. She is funny and sweet. Kind and cantankerous. Energetic, rebellious, smart and lovely, among many, many other things.

It’s two weeks into the New Year and time to take stock of what might be holding you back from success with your New Year’s resolutions. In thinking about this, two words came to my mind: ambivalence and accountability.

Ambivalence. One of the reasons why sometimes the habit-change trigger is pulled and it all “works” and other times it just doesn’t. Ambivalence due to not wanting to give up things that we do to cope with stress. Eating too much, drinking, smoking, mindless TV watching instead of exercising or getting more sleep…whatever it is that we are trying to change. We have some investment in the behavior and the sacrifices we have to make (giving up that thing we use to cope) in the short term we feel are just too hard. The long-term is just too easy to ignore in the wake of the day we’ve had. We may continue to engage in the behavior we’re trying to change because it has become our way of coping with stress. Or we have invested some of our identity in the behavior. But, for whatever reason, we are not “all in”. Take a moment today and really look at what your investment in keeping your habit might be. This can be an important first step to pulling that trigger and getting it all to work.

Accountability is another factor in whether you stay motivated to change. When you tell someone else about your goal or are part of a group working on similar goals, it is harder to blow off the daily steps you need to take in order to accomplish them. Case in point: the other day I blogged about how phenomenally bad I am at discipline when I’m trying vs. when I’m just naturally motivated. Well, since then, I have gotten to bed at a decent hour every night. Hm…could it be that putting it out there to my three readers has given me the accountability that I needed? Maybe. It could also be that it has brought back into focus what I’m trying to do here: take care of myself so I have the energy to be a Good Mommy to Petunia, a Good Wife to The Daddy, and a Crafty-Creative Person/Business Owner. Think about whether or not there is a person in your life that would be good to share your habit-change plan with. Someone who will definitely support you…maybe they’re trying to work on the same goal. Or a group you can join to help you stay motivated. Check Meetup.com for a group in your area. That’s how I found the play group we joined when Petunia was a baby.

Take a few minutes to yourself today without distractions, if you can, and think about these two words and what they might mean for your success. Maybe there’s a minute or two when you’re in the car without kids, or everybody’s napping or otherwise occupied. Consider whether these factors are impacting you and what you can do about them. It just may make the difference for you.

So, after posting about only getting to bed on time 5 nights out of 13 possible, it seems as though I have gotten a kick in the pants! Not only did I get to bed close to on time last night, but I also stayed in bed when I woke up too early and had only slept 5 or 6 hours. Unheard of! Normally I would have popped up out of bed when I realized it would be hard to get back to sleep because any time I’m not sleeping and everyone else is sleeping is designated MOMMY TIME! It’s really hard to resist the lure of time to myself, even if it is bleary-eyed, coffee-drinking, I-know-I’m-gonna-pay-for-this-later time to myself. But not this early morning. This morning I shut my eyes and resigned myself to stay in bed. Voila! 2 more hours of sleep!

So I got a decent amount of sleep last night, Petunia “let” me do Mommy Stuff today and I used nap time to do household stuff that had to get done. Some sewing after putting Petunia to bed and here I am, 4 minutes ’til bed time, pajama-clad, teeth brushed, chores done and finishing up a blog post, ready for bed. Who knew all I had to do was blog about how bad I am at being disciplined? That leads me to my next couple of blog posts about what triggers us to be motivated to change (and what doesn’t). Until next time…get some sleep!

So, it seems that just about every time I consciously try to instill some discipline in my life, my inner brat decides it’s time to come out and cause some havoc. I call her Binky. She is the one that has historically been blamed for my lost keys, wallets, purses and any general disorganization that I am experiencing in my life. When I am just inspired to be disciplined (I “feel like it”) Binky is dormant and leaves me alone. But when it’s an effort to be disciplined (I don’t want to be), she shows her face and helps me rebel.

Lest you think I am seriously whacked, let me just say that, no, Binky is not a second personality and, yes, I do know she’s not real. But many times, when I am making an effort to make change in my life, there is some part of me that just says, “Oh yeah? I don’t think so.” Out of the 13 possible nights to practice my new habit of getting to bed earlier, I would estimate that I have been successful 5 times. Not great. On the nights that I have been successful, I have been of the mindset that taking care of physical self is more important than having “Mommy Time” or doing things that help my mental health (like staying up waaaay too late sewing and watching mindless TV. Okay, the mindless TV probably isn’t the best idea but it helps me unwind…).

So the trick becomes finding the trigger that “flips the switch” to wanting to be disciplined. What self-talk do I need to engage in to get me there? What do I need to look at to get me to grasp the importance of what I’m trying to do? What will it take to get me to the all-or-nothing place where staying up is not an option? Well, the headache that has been working my last nerve all day is one thing. And the pathetic attempt at a workout is another. And then there’s the “Oh-Dear-God-Make-It-Stop” feeling when Petunia decides not to follow directions and/or decides to throw a fit. Out go the creative, make-her-think-it’s-her-idea parenting techniques and in marches the “You will do it because I said so.” Not my proudest moments. The bottom line: I need to tell myself that the only option is to march my Mommy Butt in there and go to bed when it’s time to. I have a DVR and I know how to use it. I finish my chores while Petunia and Daddy are getting her ready for bed. I do not have anything pressing that I *need* to get done after she goes to bed. Only the desire for time to myself. And, for right now, that has got to take a back seat to sleep. Up next time: more on how to flip the switch.

Update: I am going to bed. 10 minutes after goal time. Better late than later!

We wake up in the middle of the night to feed or soothe a crying infant. Us Mommas of Type 1 Sweeties wake up to test blood sugar. Potty training Mommas might wake up to remind kiddos to go to the bathroom so there won’t be bleary-eyed changing of the sheets. Working Mommas may be up in the middle of the night with anxiety about a big presentation or their job performance. ANY Momma can suffer from insomnia due to anxiety or the complete destruction of any healthy sleep habits we once had that motherhood often renders. For whatever reason, I believe that most Mommas are lacking the proper amount of sleep. I know that I am and have been for a long time. Today I’m going to look at some of the effects of long-term sleep deprivation and, let me tell you, it’s not pretty. It’s definitely something we all should be taking a look at. You are probably not at the point where the following symptoms are present but it’s something to keep in mind while making decisions for your your evening.

Let’s start with the cognitive and emotional symptoms, shall we? Most of these symptoms appear after only one night of sleep deprivation and worsen to a point with continued lack of sleep.

• Impaired problem-solving ability–getting stuck in rigid thought patterns
• Decreased ability to concentrate
• Impaired memory
• Depression
• Increased irritability
• Slower reaction times

Sound like fun? Some of these things sound a lot like “normal” Mommy Brain, don’t they? But let’s continue to see a bit more why the area of sleep needs more attention.

Next let’s look at endocrine and immune function. In a study these symptoms appeared after only one week of sleep deprivation and returned to normal once the subject’s normal sleep patterns were restored.

• Decreased immune function/ability to fight off illness
• Decrease in leptin (hormone that tells you are satisfied when eating)
• Increase in ghrelin (hormone that stimulates your appetite)
• Impaired glucose tolerance that looks just like the beginning stages of diabetes
• Decrease in production of thyroid stimulating hormone
• Increase in production of cortisol (hormone released when under stress)

Why are the above effects of lack of sleep important? You get sick more often, eat more, gain weight, increase your likelihood of getting diabetes, and may develop a hypothyroid condition. I have one, it’s not fun. You do NOT want it. Weight gain, headaches, sensitivity to cold, extreme fatigue, irritability, severe “brain fog” and difficulty concentrating, hair loss and a lifetime supply of thyroid medication which you get to take on a daily basis which will, hopefully but not definitely alleviate the aforementioned pain-in-the-butt symptoms. Then there’s the advanced aging aspect. The effects of increased cortisol and dealing with the no-sleep fog that you are in put stress on the body. It is working harder yet functioning at a lower level. This increased stress on the body can cause you to look and feel older as well as increasing your risk for diseases that you would normally not be at risk for until you are older. And aside from the actual medical dangers, it can cause a major loss of Mommy Mojo which is not good for the mental health either.

Moving on, we get to increased risk for longer term diseases:

• We already mentioned the diabetes-like condition your body can be in
• Then there’s the hypothyroid condition we already mentioned as well
• Increased risk for heart attack and heart disease
• Increased risk for obesity which is a factor in many diseases
• Hypertension

When I started researching this topic, I knew that I didn’t feel good and I knew that it had a lot to do with lack of sleep. But I had no idea that long-term lack of sleep could cause and/or mimic such devastating diseases as diabetes or hypothyroidism. There will probably always be those periods of time when a busy life intrudes on a good night’s sleep. Or there is something that is bothering you that prevents you from sleeping well for a short time. In my humble, not-in-any-way-medical opinion is that the time to be concerned is when your body is consistently not getting what it needs in terms of sleep. The trick is getting the sleep patterns back on track. As Mommas, I think our bodies can get “trained” not to sleep well due to the many middle of the night demands placed on it from our child’s infancy. After the need for us to wake in the middle of the night is over, it can be difficult to get back on track.

There are many choices we can and do make every day that effect whether or not we get a good night’s sleep. I’m at least going to tackle those this month to try and give myself a fighting chance. Join me next week for more on how to get a good night’s sleep!

So January is just percolating along as it should. Well, almost as it should. The usual two steps forward, one step back with the “resolutions” that I am choosing to call intentions instead. I have actually picked just one for this month: sleep. Get more of it. Whether it’s at night (sometimes not entirely possible because of sugar bug testing) or napping, I need MORE. I have been feeling the effects of long-term sleep deprivation for a while now which led me to my January goal of getting more sleep. On top of that, my exercise regimen has fallen by the wayside because it’s very hard to exercise when you are chronically sleep-deprived. Then there’s the snack foods. Don’t get me started on the snack foods. All of these factors started me thinking and, while sometimes a dangerous thing for me to do, this time I think it could be helpful! I was realizing that I am worn out and have not been taking basic care of myself so, in order to motivate me to re-build good habits and, hopefully help some of you do the same…

Each month this year on A Mommy’s Life will be devoted to a different aspect of taking care of The Mommy. This month it will be sleep. The effects of sleep-deprivation and methods for getting more and better sleep will be featured but there will be a sprinkling of the usual angst and other stuff, too. While I don’t have all the months planned yet, I know that I’d like to focus on sleep for January and nutrition for February. There are a few more ideas floating around in my head but, if you have a topic you’d like me to devote a month to, let me know!