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A little update on the Diva situation: it seems to be working. We have had more timeouts than usual but Princess Tater Tot appears to be getting the message that you cannot cry, scream and otherwise carry on when you don’t get your way. Yes, it is upsetting to not get your way but flailing about and screaming at high decibels is just not acceptable. Now, I am not under the illusion that my child will never throw a tantrum again but a decrease is welcome at this point so I’m gonna celebrate and don’t you try and stop me!

I’ll be back later with my synthesized thoughts and the action plan I came up with to tackle the behavior. As for now, must go get The Tot up for Sugar Bug (blood sugar) testing, Duckie Bite (insulin shot) and breakfast! Then off to the 2nd to last Mommy and Me class ever.

Ok, it’s been a while since my last post. I’ve had teensy bits of time to myself and have gotten some perspective. A little friend of The Tot’s has also been diagnosed with diabetes and we have been able to help a little bit. It is a horrible, horrible thing to go through. And it gets better. For now, I am on the up side of the roller coaster. And it is a roller coaster. There are times when life seems almost normal. Besides all the poking and measuring, of course. Times when I go to test her and her numbers all look good or, if they don’t look good, there is a pattern of them returning to normal at a specific time of the day. Or I know I can do something specific to return her to “normal”. Times when the docs and nurses are all reassuring and adjustments are made that make me feel more in control and less like The Sugar Bugs have taken over our world. Of course they have, but the illusion of control makes all the difference in my mental health so I’m hangin’ on to it.

Then there are the times when nothing looks normal, I am worried sick and I have to get up in the middle of the night to test her, further depleting any reserves (HA!) that I had. I am grateful that this is not one of those times. For now, I am going to enjoy the relative normalcy and learn all that I can so that, when we are on the next down side of this roller coaster, maybe it won’t be quite the drastic drop that it was before.

And I am going to enjoy my beautiful, funny, loving little girl. She is the best reason in the world for doing all that I do.

As it turns out, my mini-break-down was short-lived. That doesn’t mean that I’m not living with a low-level depression. It just means that my toes are away from the edge. It means that I am functioning well in most areas and I’m able to take care of my daughter and have a good time with her. But what is missing is that I’m having a hard time taking care of myself. I have to get her up earlier in order to time her meals and insulin in a way that works for our schedule. She goes to bed later because, inevitably, her blood sugar is too low at bed time so she gets a snack. Which means Mommy Time has shrunk. Like there was very much to begin with. I am not eating right and I am not exercising as much. I am not sleeping enough in a stupid and vain attempt to have a teeny bit of anything for myself. I am being Super Mom and Wonder Woman and it is taking a toll. I am caring for everyone else except myself and it can’t last much longer. I’ve gotta change something or I will crash soon. Unfortunately, I can’t see where the change is going to happen. The Daddy is starting his Spring work schedule which means the seasonal job that he works in addition to teaching is giving him more hours. That means Mommy needs to suck it up and deal because Daddy’s tired, too. Gotta figure something out soon, though.

On a more positive note, The Tot is adjusting well. Her need for insulin is decreasing during the “honeymoon period” so she tends to run on the low blood sugar side of things right now until we work with the docs to figure it out but we’ve got it under control. We’ve established a routine, of sorts, and she’s back to doing her normal activities. I have noticed, however, that she has gotten a lot pickier since she’s been home from the hospital. Doesn’t want to do as many things and doesn’t want to eat certain things, either. I used to be able to suggest a snack and have her jump at it but now she says “Different snack” several times until I get the right one. She doesn’t want to go on a walk after dinner like she used to and she doesn’t want to go on our morning Stroller Ride. She has never, ever, ever said “Don’t want that” about any dinner that I have made but I have heard her say that multiple times since we have been home from the hospital.

I can’t help but wonder if this is her almost-three-year-old way of controlling what she can control. She is learning to say “yes” instead of “no” to lots of Mommy requests (things that are inappropriate to say “no” to), including getting stuck multiple times a day and when to change her diapers (although I try to give her choices about that, too!). So, really, food and activities are the things that she can control right now. Side note: not a good time to start potty training again! It would just end up in a power struggle, I think.

So, all-in-all, we are settling in to a new reality and things are going as well as can be expected. I have a mainly treatment-compliant child who is asserting her independence in other ways, which is not a problem in the grand scheme of things. It makes meal time a bit challenging but at least she’s not screaming when I try to give her insulin. I’ve got to be grateful for that. My sense of humor has not quite figured out how to make the best of the situation yet but it’s only been three weeks, people. It’ll happen.

Last I wrote, I was still in the hospital with my darling little girl and we were learning how to deal with juvenile diabetes. We were discharged a week ago and it things have gone pretty well. The Tater Tot doesn’t put up too much of a fight although she has started saying “No needle. No needle.” sometimes at dinner. And she doesn’t seem to want her insulin anywhere but her arm (for those of you who don’t know because I didn’t before this whole ordeal: injecting in the same place all the time builds up scar tissue which does not allow the insulin to absorb as well so you have to vary the injection site). So I have to convince…oh heck, let’s be real: I have to bribe her to take her injection somewhere else. She has only had one concerningly high reading but she’s been a little low more than I’m comfortable with. In terms of managing her diabetes, it has gone well. However, The Mommy hit an emotional wall yesterday. Actually, it was more of a crash than a hit. Hit implies less force. This thing just about knocked me flat.

I know that everything will be okay. I know that I am a good, attentive, nurturing Mommy who will do a good job raising her child. But my job just got harder. The sheer enormity of being directly responsible for whether or not she goes into a life-threatening low or high and the rigidity with which we must live our lives at least for now just got to be a bit much yesterday. We have been trying to keep things as normal as possible and The Tot has gone to all her regular classes and a few play dates even though we have been home only a week. But things are not normal. At least not the normal that we have known ’til now. It is not normal to have to stick a needle in your child’s appendages even when she doesn’t want you to. It is not normal to have to ask 4 or more times a day “Which finger?” and take action to get blood from that finger to make sure she is okay. It is not normal to see bruises on her tiny toddler arms where IV’s were stuck and veins were prodded to get blood for labs. Or to hear her say to convince herself every time you go to give her the shot “It doesn’t hurt.” Or to toss and turn and eventually give up and go test her again in the middle of the night because you’re not sure the snack you gave her before bed raised her blood sugar enough to not be dangerously low in the morning. And it’s just not normal for this sweet little angel to willingly hand over her finger every time I ask her to in order to get stuck yet again.

I am grateful that she is still enamored of her “new pink thingy” that tests her blood even though it means pricking her finger and that she, at least so far, is still cooperative. Because if/when she starts to resist more than the mild resistance we’ve seen so far, it is going to break my heart. And I know that I will do what I have to do even though she doesn’t want me to because those actions will save her life. I also know that this will get easier. And harder. All at the same time.

Life has just been plugging right along. I find that with this blog, as well as with my personal journal-writing, when things are good, I don’t write as much. There’s not much angst or stuff to work out nor as much humor, self-deprecating or otherwise. A sense of humor is key to dealing with the stress of motherhood and I find that my sense of humor feels at home in this stress.

Lately things just haven’t been as stressful. Yes, Tater Tot loooves her a tantrum on a daily basis and likes to “step the envelope” (push the envelope) with Mommy but it’s just not the same kind of stress I felt when she was younger. The doubt-myself-daily kind of stress where I wondered if I was doing something (or everything) wrong and if/when I would scar her for life. I have become very comfortable in motherhood.

Well, this week, my comfort level was dealt a major blow. It started last week when I noticed that Princess Tater Tot was drinking everything she could get her hands on. Then she started peeing through her Huggies in record time and I started to be concerned. It had been 80 degrees or near that here in lovely San Diego, though, so I chalked it up to being thirsty because it was hot. She was also super-duper cranky, which I chalked up to being almost-three. But then, Saturday morning I saw some symptoms that I couldn’t ignore. She was shaky at breakfast and her speech seemed a little thick. The Daddy didn’t notice it as much as I did but I knew that something was just off. It went away, though, so I decided to just keep an eye on it. By Tuesday morning at Mommy and Me I knew I had to call the doc because, although she had periods of normalcy, the lethargy and crankiness had ratcheted up a notch and something was just not right. We couldn’t get an appointment with her regular doc so we made one at the after-hours clinic for his pediatrics group. At 7:30 that night we found out that she is diabetic and were directed immediately to Children’s Hospital for a minimum three-day stay. We’ve been at Chez Children’s ever since and, I’ll tell you, I’m ready to go home but terrified to do so.

Going home means that I am totally responsible for my child’s health. Not that I wasn’t before. Obviously I was. But that was when there was nothing wrong, or so we thought. That was before I knew I needed to measure and restrict and say “no you can’t have some of Mommy’s pizza” or stick my child with a needle and poke her finger 4 times a day. Before our lives changed forever.

So far I have not fallen apart but I can’t guarantee what will happen when we get home. I am tired and the hospital, while so necessary and helpful, has sapped all of my energy. I have not exercised or sewn in 4 days (the things I do to deal with stress) and I just want to sleep in my own bed. If you can’t tell, my sense of humor has not quite found a home in this yet. But it will. I have no doubt. Just like with any other challenge, I will find a way to make it funny and take the edge off. But not yet. For now, all of my energy is focused on learning how to live our new lifestyle and how not to let it limit us. I know we can do it. It will just take some adjustment. Par for the course with motherhood, right?

The doctors and nurses keep remarking that I’m so calm and I can’t help but reply to them “What’s my alternative, really?” There isn’t one. Falling apart isn’t an option for This Mommy, at least not right now.

So I volunteered to research alternatives to plastic for our Mommy and Me class and it sent me running for the cupboards. The topic is one of those that, the more you look, the more you find in terms of information, controversy, and outright fear. At least that’s how it was for me. I found opinions that cited BPA as safe for humans, opinions that vilified it as akin to the devil and much in between. Many opinions that I found were much like my own: “better safe than sorry”. So this weekend I got rid of all of our #7 plastic, plastic of indeterminate origin, and old, scratched or cloudy plastic. Gone. The areas that I have focused on for us right now are feeding and drinking for The Tot, water consumption for me and food storage as these are the areas we use plastic mostly. I’ve starting using our regular plates for Tater Tot, now that she is of the age that she generally doesn’t throw plates. I went out and bought a few glass food storage containers that have #5 plastic tops and will be buying more as the finances allow. Phasing out the plastic food storage altogether.

As it turns out, there are quite a few readily available alternatives to harmful plastics that leach BPA. To cut to the chase, if your plastics have the numbers 1, 2, or 5 on them they are okay but still should not be heated. If they have been heated or are scratched and/or cloudy, they may be leaching chemicals and you should toss ‘em and get new ones. Better yet, use glass baby bottles and food storage. There are several good stainless steel sippy cup options that only have a few #5 parts. If you do still use plastics with the “safer” numbers on them, my recommendation would be to hand wash them as the dishwasher can get pretty darned hot. Not fun but “safer”. I’ve seen some discussion about Corelle since it is heartier than regular dishware and some toddlers can be kinda hard on regular dishware. I bought a few little Corelle bowls for The Tot and use them instead of the plastic or melamine ones.

Some of my favorite products for The Tot and myself include:

The Thermos Foogo sippy which can be found at Target for $15. It has a #5 plastic spout and “inner workings” but the body of the cup is stainless steel and it’s not hard to wash by hand. Thermos also makes a stainless steel straw sippy made of the same materials. We haven’t tried that one yet but the reviews I read were good.

Klean Kanteen Stainless Steel Colored Water Bottles with Poly Loop Cap which has a sippy adapter and an option for a stainless steel cap instead of the #5 one included. I got myself a pink one and I loooove it!

Anchor Hocking and Pyrex glass food storage which both have #5 plastic tops (just don’t microwave with the tops on) and can be found at Target and WalMart for a range of prices.

Corelle “berry bowls” can be used for cereal, soup, pasta…anything you’d put in a bowl! Found at WalMart for inexpensive.

For utensils, I have found that The Tot is past the point of using plastic-tipped spoons so I just tossed those out anyway. The rest that we had were metal. If you’re still using soft-tipped spoons, Munchkin’s Soft-Tip Infant Spoons are BPA-free.

These are just a few of the adjustments that we have made to keep The Tot and ourselves safer. It’s an ongoing process, though, and it can be overwhelming. It seems like everything is hazardous these days. However, I do encourage you to start your own journey, if you haven’t already. Anything you can do to minimize long-term exposure to hazardous chemicals for you and your family is good! Baby steps! Now, go! Get started!

SafeMama.com has a great, thorough list of those plastic cups and baby/toddler products that are BPA free here

As expected, insurance didn’t cover the damage to our other bathroom that I blogged about last. Since money’s tight, I am putting on another hat…Handywoman. The Daddy just isn’t handy. And I’ve got the interest so I guess I’ll develop the skill set. I’m about 2/3 of the way through the demolition. Tile flyin’ everywhere. Drywall chunks in my hair. Part of the reason that it’s going so slowly is that The Daddy is working long weekend shifts at a second job to make extra money. That means that time without the Tater Tot is almost non-existent. And demo is not something that can be done during nap time since the bathroom is right next to her room or while she’s awake because, well, there’s tile and drywall flying. So I have made progress but it is slow. I joked the other day that I promised I’d have it done by Christmas. I’m beginning to think that it’s not a joke…and that I should have said Easter! Oh well…what can ya’ do?

On Father’s Day, The Daddy wanted to sit on his butt all day in front of the TV, watch the Lakers and the Celtics and, oh, I don’t know, probably scratch, fart and pick his nose. We will never know because we were banished upstairs to have a “Chickfest”. I completely understood, although I wasn’t really too happy about being “banished” but we headed upstairs to spend the day away from Daddy but close enough that he could visit if he felt guilty. Or lonely. Or whatever.

It was clear that we would need a Chickfest structure of some sort and, although my fort-building skills are formidable, this needed to be special. I realized that we had a Beach Cabana from One Step Ahead in the garage that we had bought last summer planning to use for the beach. The Tot never sat still at the beach so it was useless. But not that day! I ran down to the garage, ran back up stairs and popped that sucker open in our master bedroom. Voila! Instant “Chicktent” for our Chickfest. Add a Dora quilt, a few hot pink pillows of various shapes and sizes, stuffed animals, and we were ready! We read books, gave manicures and pedicures (sneaky way to file The Tot’s nails without her suspecting that it is something she should hate), and played with stuffed animals and Dora dolls. We went outside on the patio, ran errands and generally spent a nice day together. I think The Daddy got a little jealous when he came up to check on us and saw the set up we had up there but it was too late at that point. The Chickfest was well underway and boys just weren’t allowed. Since Father’s Day, we’ve had quite a few Chickfests and the cabana has been a staple for our beach days. She is much more likely to sit in the “Chicktent” this year than last although she still runs like a banshee at the beach most of the time. She will sit in it to eat lunch and play with whatever character dolls she has insisted on ruining by dragging them to the beach and through the sand. And she will do this all because Daddy wanted a little “Daddy Time” on Father’s Day. Thank you, Daddy!

With the larger economy being what it is and the personal economy of this stay-at-home Mommy being what it is, I am always on the look out for free things to do. Especially during the summer. I don’t know why because Tater Tot is only 2 1/2 but it just feels like summer should be packed with fun stuff to do! I understand why the Mommies with kiddos that are school aged pack their summer days with fun stuff but I’m still not sure why I feel the need. Oh well. I digress.

Friday night I decided that I wanted to go to the Concert in the Park series that my city puts on. I guess I had thought about it before, I’m not really sure. But there it was, looming large like a pimple on the end of your nose on prom night, the desire to go out into a throng of other families and listen to Afro-Cuban jazz and dance with my tiny tot. The Daddy did not want to go. Tater Tot decided that it might be fun so we headed out on our own while Daddy enjoyed some “Daddy time”. We left in time to get to the park on time, not realizing that this was a big deal. I mean, I guess I thought some people might show up but Good Lord! The entire baseball outfield was packed with families and their blankets, coolers, tables, chairs, picnic baskets, bikes, wagons, balls and toys. Some of the set-ups were pretty darned impressive! People made elaborate meals and ate them with wine while relaxing in reclining lawn chairs. Others carted their pizza boxes and coolers of beer and ate them while throwing a football. It was clear that people put much more thought into their outing than I had. We were armed with Dora and Boots dolls, flip flops, and my keys. Which ended up being okay since Tater Tot wanted to stand right by the stage and stare at the lights anyway.

We had a fantastic time! I think it helped that I did not have an agenda. Most things go more smoothly when you drop your expectations and just go with the flow, I’m finding. Life just ends up being more enjoyable. So that’s what we did. We bopped and grooved for a bit, walked around the baseball field for a bit, and just took in the sights. When a song ended, I could count on hearing a forceful “Do n’ again!” from The Tater Tot that got a little lost in the cacophony of sounds surrounding us. But still she yelled it, expecting that the band would listen to her and continue. And for a while, they did.

If you have such a program in your city, I would highly recommend it. It struck me that the picture I saw was exactly what summer should be all about: families, friends and relaxation. We will be doing it again this week. And, this time we’re bringing dinner and some friends…

The Daddy finally made the call on The Dog and we had her put to sleep yesterday. I’m sad. He’s sad. He did a phenomenal job explaining things in a way that a two year old could understand and had her say good bye to The Dog. He told her that The Dog was going to see her Mommy and Daddy. Now, I’m sure she doesn’t understand that she’s never coming back and I halfway think that she won’t even notice that she’s gone for a while. You see, The Dog was old and sick and really didn’t want to be bothered with little sticky hands that didn’t always know how to be gentle. They kind of kept a wide berth of one another unless supervised. But, when supervised, Tater Tot enjoyed petting The Dog and The Dog came to trust that Tater Tot wasn’t going to hurt her. She would come up while we were sitting on the floor, stick her nose under my arm, and nudge it up so she could put her little face under it. That was her saying “Pet me, Momma”. I will miss that. And the way she got so excited when we came home. It usually didn’t matter if we’d only been gone 10 minutes, she was still excited that Her People were home again. She was an exceptional dog and we will miss her.