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There, I said it. I’m old. I’m watching VH-1’s Greatest Hits of the 90’s and I am O-L-D. I remember dancing my BUTT off to some of these songs at the clubs before I was married. Back when I had the energy and the body to do so. Now, if I dance, it could start an earthquake here in sunny SoCal. Okay, so that’s an exaggeration but it would definitely start some jigglin’ that wouldn’t stop any time soon on the Mommy Body. *Heavy sigh* Yes, I know just about every word to every cheesy 90’s song they are profiling. I am not proud of that.

On a different note, I feel better today. I went to PT tonight and I feel much stronger. Yes, I’m going to physical therapy still for several reasons, including that Tater Tot is 30 pounds and she still “Want Mommy to carry zhyou.” And how can you say “no” to the cutest child on the planet? Answer: you can’t. But mostly these days we’re working on a really, really old hamstring running injury that is coming back to haunt me. Hurting at really inopportune times like when I’m walking. Yeah, walking. Not fun. But it’s getting better and I don’t feel any longer like my injuries will have me put out to pasture before I’m 40. The exhaustion and shortness of breath might, but not my injuries…

Even though I am thrashed more often than not after my 12+ hour days taking care of Tater Tot, the house, and The Daddy, I am happy with my life. Tonight during “reading time”, while Tater Tot was screeching and running, Daddy was reading, and I was corralling The Tot, being Kissy Monster trying to get “smackaroonies” from her, I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else doing anything else. I am where I’m supposed to be.

The Good News is that Tater Tot went to the doc yesterday morning to check her ear infection and it’s gone. Her ears look great and her lungs sound great. Of course she has now developed another little sniffle/sneeze/whatever so we didn’t go to pre-school but, at least for now, it hasn’t gotten worse. It’s probably just a little cold.

The Bad News is that The Dog is not doing well and I think The Daddy is gonna make the call this week. It’s such a hard decision to make! But her quality of life is not good right now and it’s not going to get any better, unfortunately. So, we’ll see. I get teary just thinking about it even though I know it’ll be best for her. I just can’t imagine what it’s going to be like without her around. We’ll see, though, because he’s said that before and he hasn’t been able to do it yet…

Tater Tot has a funny way of designating anything that she doesn’t know the name for as a “singie” (thingie). “Zhyou want dat toy.” “Which toy?” I ask. “Da Singie Toy.” “The Thingie Toy?” “Dat Singie Toy” she says. Or she’ll say, “Ooooh, look at dat singie.” I try not to laugh but it’s just so danged cute! And I think I’m in trouble already with the girlie stuff. Sometimes when she puts my shoes on her feet she says “Ooooh, deez look pretty good wif deez sockies”. She regularly poses in front of the mirror and smiles at herself. Or “does some posing” that looks more like gymnastics to me but what do I know from posing? She especially likes to look at herself when I put her hair up in ponytails or in a head band. She thinks she’s pretty cute. And she’s right.

I am grateful. Grateful for The Tater Tot and The Daddy. Grateful for little bits of respite that come just when you think you are going to dissolve in a puddle of self-pity and martyrdom because you feel so physically depleted you could cry. Grateful for the wonderful cuteness that is my little girl. This little person can, more often than not, pull me out of the pit even when I feel so tired that I only want to lay on the floor. She is the reason that I muster up the bursts of energy to go to play dates and dance around the kitchen with the dishwasher noise like she likes to, the patience to do “crafty-crafts” and go on “shwort walks” (no, that’s not a typo…it’s a toddler-speakism). She is fun and funny and my world revolves around her.

I am grateful that The Daddy recognizes that I am making a huge effort to work through my fatigue to make life fun for Tater Tot and neat and orderly for him. He has started back to the Master’s program and is doing an after-school tutoring program for extra money and it’s the least I can do to help support him. If he feels less stressed because the house is in order when he gets home, that’s what I need to do. Put it on auto-pilot, Mommy and just get it done. But it is nice that he tells me that he appreciates it and offers to give me some time for myself when he’s not working or doing reading for school or writing papers. Just the recognition and offer of help makes a difference for me. I’d like to take him up on that offer….

The Dog is not doing well. The Daddy called the vet today to see what all is involved with “putting her down”. She still has that spark and can muster up some energy to be excited when The Daddy gets home but, for the most part, she lays around all day “resting”. When she does get up and around, her back left leg is basically useless. She is in pain from the hip dysplasia. And she’s on amoxicillin to keep a skin condition from getting infected. There’s a fluid-filled cyst in her neck and she recently had surgery for a cyst in her abdomen. Her hearing is going. It’s a laundry-list. It’s difficult. She hasn’t let us know yet that she’s ready to go but do we want to wait until she’s miserable? I don’t know. It’s too much to contemplate when I’m exhausted and feel crappy. At least for today, she is still with us and we don’t have to make a decision. Tomorrow has enough trouble of it’s own. I don’t need to borrow any for today. I’m grateful that Tater Tot probably won’t remember this.

Sorry for the downer but that’s just where I’m at right now….

I am doing laundry, dishes, and cleaning the bomb site that is my home in a Dora party hat for one reason: my baby girl wants me to and it’s her birthday. My baby is two. It’s hard to believe. She is still sick but getting better….slowly. Her fever finally broke last night after a week and she is starting to eat a little bit of something besides applesauce. The antibiotic-induced diarrhea is no fun but whatever eventually makes her feel better is okay by me at this point.

Now comes the task of finding a spot for all the birthday loot…wish me luck!

Happy Birthday Tater Tot! And Happy Birthday to you too, Zoe! You two are such great little girls!

I am grateful that The Daddy was off work this week for President’s Week. Tater Tot is sick. Pretty darned sick. Sick enough to warrant a trip to the doc where we found out that she has an ear infection. That doesn’t sound bad, does it? Well, it’s obvious that whatever is infecting her ears is also infecting her chest because she has been up hacking and snorking most of the night since Sunday with a fever between 100 and 102. So I’ve been up giving her Tylenol and “rocking and shnuggling” to get her back to sleep. The Daddy took a turn last night so I was able to get a little bit more sleep. She’s on her second day of antibiotic and the diarrhea has begun. Not fun. She’s never been this sick before. But she’s starting to get a little more pep back in her step today so I think she’s turned the corner. I’ll tell you, though, we have broken just about every routine we have this week and I’m curious to see what it’ll be like when she’s not sick anymore and we go back to the regular routine. At least then I will have more sleep which hopefully will equal more energy to deal with the inevitable tantrums when I don’t let her follow the loosey-goosey routine we’ve had this week.

That’s it. That’s all I’ve got. Creative juices have dried up so all you get is the report of what’s been going on in the world of Princess Tater Tot and The Mommy. Sorry.

I’m not sure if I’m ready for this… The Tater Tot always loves to be “Naked Girl” and she does the funniest “Naked Dance” (her words). She was having fun doing the Naked Dance before bath time tonight when she says “Have to go potty”. She has said this a kazillion times before and we take her diaper off, sit her on the potty seat and play, talk, laugh, wait for virtually nothing. So I put her on the potty seat, played, talked, laughed, waited until she said “Done goin’ potty” like she always does. There is never anything in the potty seat when she is “Done goin’ potty”. Except for tonight. I look down and there is pee-pee in the potty seat! Oh Good Lord she has gone potty on the potty seat for the first time ever! I made such a ridiculous production about the pee-pee in the potty seat that I am sure that the neighbors for at least a half mile know that my child went in the potty for the first time. I was completely floored! Does this mean I have to start potty training? I’m not prepared! I haven’t really even thought much about it because she has been so ambivalent and seemed so not ready! I guess I’d better get ready. I don’t think she’s ready to do it all the time but I think that I need to start offering the potty seat at regular intervals. Good Lord, I don’t even know how to approach this yet. Guess I’d better do some research…quick!

I’ve been banished upstairs to “be sick”. The Daddy brought something home from work the other day and was home sick for two days. Tater Tot got some snots for a couple of days with no fever and no slowing down. She gave them to me. Unfortunately, they are slowing me down. So I am up in my room trying to type and read on the computer while sniffling, sneezing, and dripping from just about every orifice on my head. Oh, and while we’re at it, I hadn’t stopped bleeding from the LEEP yet and I think I’m starting my period. It’s not very fun to be me today. Luckily The Daddy is taking over the Tater Tot duties and some of the household ones even though he’s not 100% yet. Today it’s a game of “Who Feels Crappier” and the “winner” is me.

I don’t feel much like a winner. In fact, I wish I had been the loser in this game. I’d much rather be running around with The Tater Tot. Heck, I’d rather be cleaning the toilets than feeling like this! Tried Sudafed. Nothin’. Tried Actifed. Zippo. Zilch. No relief from symptoms. I hate putting extraneous drugs in my body so when I do, I expect them to work for heaven’s sake! What’s the point of putting them in there if they’re not going to relieve me?! So I drip. And sniffle and sneeze and wipe. And drain from my eyes. And abuse the skin on my nose with every use of the tissue. I’m just grateful my body held out for the weekend to get sick so that The Daddy is home…

Yes, it’s one of those days. It started out okay, except that I woke up a little later than usual. Unfortunately it wasn’t because I slept longer than usual, just because I got to bed later and slept crappier. Coffee helped. It always does. Tater Tot got up at the usual time and we went on our morning walk. That part was actually fun. Then on to grocery shopping, trying to find the best deals and hitting two different grocery stores. I was paying attention to my cell phone, of course, because the plumber was supposed to come between 9 and 1 today and they call when they’re 10 minutes out. Luckily we got our shopping done and put all the groceries away just as the plumber called and said he was on his way. Everything kinda goes down hill from there, unfortunately, although there is a bright spot, I guess. The minute the plumber gets here, Tater Tot cries. I’m not just talking about a little whimper, either. Screaming banshee crying. Tried to put her down with her blocks and trains which are her favorites right now so I could talk to the guy and it just got worse. But holding her and having her scream in my ear wasn’t much better. So we just screamed at each other, explaining the plumbing issue and what he was going to need to do to diagnose it. When I sat down with her and he was just in there doing his thing, she was fine but if he set one toe outside of the bathroom, screaming and crying resumed. Yeah, he was a big guy but I didn’t think he was that scary! Turns out that it’s not going to cost as much to repair as it could have, which is the bright spot. But he couldn’t finish the work today because he had other calls that his agency had scheduled for him. So he’s coming back on Friday. No big deal. By the time he got the diagnosis and estimate done, Tater Tot was asleep so I was grateful to not have to yell. I guess that’s another bright spot. I’m trying to remember to focus on the positive! Basically, I had enough time to shove a frozen chimichanga down my throat after talking to the plumber when I hear crying coming from the baby monitor. WHAT?! Only a 40 minute nap? Gak! Maybe she’s just crying out in her sleep like she sometimes does. No such luck. Wide awake and ready to be freaked out, apparently because she was Sensitive Girl for another hour after she woke up.

Let’s review: crappy night’s sleep, woke up late, the stress of trying to cut our grocery bill significantly,screaming child, an unexpected bill, and very little break during the day. Not the best day ever, so far. But not the worst, either. Just one of Those Days. If I can get the pot roast to turn out, maybe we still have a shot…wish me luck!

I didn’t think that I was going to be that person but I am. That person that, on January 1st makes a New Year’s Resolution to lose 10 pounds. And, yes, these are the same 10 pounds that I have been wanting to lose, talking about losing, and making half-hearted efforts to lose for a year and a half. Just the other day I said I wasn’t going to be that person. But today, it feels inevitable. I feel compelled to go through the ritual of making the resolution to lose weight. Do I really think I’ll be able to do it? Sure! Why not? If I didn’t believe at least a teeny-tiny bit that I would be able to do it, I wouldn’t even bother making the resolution.

Why start January 1st? Why not start today or tomorrow? Or even the next day. Well, I don’t have a good answer for that except “Why not start January 1st?”. It’s as good a day as any and it relieves some of the pressure until then. I feel more free to just eat rather than examine, analyze, measure and then eat. Talk about sucking all the fun out of food!

Until January 1st, I guess I’m going to make a plan. A plan that helps me get more organized so it’s not so easy to say “I’m too tired” or “I’ve got too many other things to do”. A plan that helps me keep my house clean, my chores done, fit exercise into my day, and get to bed on time. Good luck with that! I can’t remember the last time I got to bed “on time” and got enough sleep. I’m embarrassed to say what it was that I was watching that kept me up past my “bed time” last night. Let’s just say it was on MTV and it’s about people half my age! Vicarious living, I’m sure…

I’m hopeful. Convinced that I’ll succeed? Not entirely. But I’m almost convinced. Does that count for anything? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Oh well, I’ve got four days to convince myself…