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Disclaimer: I have one of “these days” every once in a while and I need to rant. Most days are good even if I am tired but today is an exception and I need to get it out of my system. I will return to regularly scheduled programming soon.

Today is one of “those days”. I am exhausted and I don’t know why. I have no job outside of the home, one child, and a supportive husband. I also have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis which basically means that my body recognizes my thyroid gland as a foreign object and tries to destroy it, but I’m on thyroid replacement medication for that so that shouldn’t be an issue. My last test results were “within normal limits”. I don’t sleep enough but I did last night. I exercise and eat right most of the time. So why is it that I feel like my ass is dragging today? Dragging so hard that I’m leaving track marks behind me. (Attractive picture, isn’t it?) I’m still holding onto that extra weight and flab that I’ve been trying to get rid of for a year and even though I don’t eat refined carbs and eat more fruits and vegetables than I used to, I still feel like crap more days than I’d like. Is this just part of my new reality or is there something wrong? Should I expect more from life or is this the best I’m going to feel? Am I just getting old? I will be 39 in 5 1/2 months and there are days when I have never felt worse…except before I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s but that was so long ago that I don’t hardly remember what that felt like.

I recognize also that I have always set extremely high standards for myself both personally and professionally. I think that I put pressure on myself where there may not be outside pressure to do things as well as my standards dictate. Being a stay-at-home mommy and housewife is no exception to that. If I have a job, I will work hard at it. My job right now is to take care of my beautiful little girl and our house. And maybe I put too much pressure on myself to do these things perfectly. But doesn’t everyone else have it all under control with only one kid? Isn’t it supposed to be easy with only one? How do I not have enough time or energy? Nevermind that I’m always “on” even if she’s napping. That’s when the laundry gets shifted, the breakfast/lunch mess gets cleaned up and miscellaneous crap gets done. When you add exercise and diet to lose weight into the mix, it throws me over the edge. Maybe I’ve just shifted the focus of my mildly obsessive/perfectionistic tendencies from mainly on my professional life to my personal life since there isn’t a professional life to speak of. Thankfully, I have not shifted those tendencies to Tater Tot. They are squarely focused on my performance, not hers, and I intend to keep it that way. If I keep those tendencies, that is. I’d like to get rid of them. They’re not really very helpful and I suspect that they play a large role in my periodic difficulty sleeping.

Then there’s always the fact that women of the generations before me didn’t have the benefit of all the support that I have and they handled it. That makes me feel even more whiny and stupid for being so tired and frustrated and needing to “vent”. Maybe I’m just too self-indulgent and I need to “suck it up”. Maybe I just need to change my perspective, embrace my Inner Housewife, and realize that this is what the job is. It’s 24-7 so be sure you take your coffee break when you can (uh, nap when she naps, anyone?). I chose this job. Heck, I wanted this job so bad I couldn’t think about anything else. I took my temperature faithfully every morning before getting out of bed for months and peed on more sticks than I cared to count! What do you mean you’d like to go on a trip with the guys? I’m ovulating!

I sometimes have a hard time differentiating between the pressure I put on myself and the pressure society puts on mothers but I think that it’s there. I think that society does have unrealistic expectations of what mothers can/should be able to do and I think (ok, I know) that I’ve bought into them!

I’m coming to the conclusion that I am a perfectionistic wuss who needs to let go of some stuff. I don’t think I need to suck it up necessarily but I do need to change my perspective every once in a while and lower my expectations of myself. I need to realize that I can only do what I can do and that The Tater Tot will be just fine if she eats a couple of jars of Gerber 3rd Foods instead of home made baby food, wears a couple of disposable diapers, or watches the Baby Einstein DVD twice in a day every once in a while. I need to realize that I am doing a good job, heck, even an excellent job with her and that I need to cut myself some slack. I am in pretty good shape for an almost 39 year old woman who has had a child. I need to put my feet up during her naps and watch stupid TV or read a book or sleep, for heaven’s sake! I think that cutting myself some slack will help me sleep better which will help me feel better which will help me be better.

Okay, rant is over. Good timing. I hear the Tater Tot waking up from her nap. Hey, let’s go play “Lay Down On The Floor And Play With Mommy”!

Thanks for reading…I’ll be back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. Does anybody else ever feel this way? Slip me a comment and let me know!

No, Princess Tater Tot isn’t sick again.  I spoke too soon when I said the long week is over, however.  She was up four times last night and I’m thrashed.  She took a two hour nap this morning but, unfortunately, that was the only time I had to do a Costco run so The Daddy got the benefit of that nap time.  So, here I am limping through the last 2 1/2 hours of Tater Tot’s day and praying that whatever woke her up last night does not tonight.

Speaking of whatever woke her up, I have no idea what it was.  She’d fall back asleep fairly quickly only to wake up crying 15 minutes later.  I did a diaper check, a snot check, gave her teething tablets and even Tylenol but she still didn’t get back to sleep until after midnight.  There’s nothing like not being able to figure out what’s wrong with your one year old to make you feel like Crappy Mommy.  I guess I figured that by the time she was one year old I should be able to figure this stuff out.  Apparently I can’t.  If you’ve got it all figured out by now, by all means, please let me know the secret!

We’ve had a long 24 hours.  I put The Tot down at 6:30 last night after a long, fussy day and settled in to watch the last episodes of the Scrubs - The Complete First Season DVD I had rented from Netflix.  I got through the last one just as Tater Tot woke up fussing.  Since she had a blow out diaper yesterday and a fever, I figured I should go in and change her when normally I would let her “work it out” unless she was crying hard.  I changed her and started rocking her when I felt her twitch.  And twitch.  And twitch some more.  Unlike any other falling-asleep twitching I had experienced with her.  It happened about every 3-5 seconds for about 15 minutes but she wasn’t falling asleep.  She was drowsy, for sure, but she didn’t fall asleep. So I got scared.  Particularly since she had a fever and I knew that kids with fevers could have seizures.  I called the Nurse Hotline and they tried to get ahold of the pediatrician on call.  No luck.  They recommended that I take her in, which I did.  Oh, Good Lord, what a freak show there was at our local ER.  I had no idea. Honestly.  

Unfortunately, Tater Tot had to have her temperature taken rectally not only once, but twice.  I had hoped to avoid that lovely experience in her childhood but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.  She was decidedly unhappy about the whole experience.  Even the benign stuff like the sticker they put on her to find her pulse.  It’s just a sticker!  But she wailed like a banshee.  Between the necessary stuff was the waiting.  And waiting.  And waiting some more.  She was perfectly happy to look at all the new surroundings and “interesting” people and babble to Mommy and Daddy.  So we stood around (she wouldn’t let me sit) waiting for 2 1/2 hours until the doc got to us.  I described what I felt and he asked detailed questions about it.  You know what it was?  The doc thought it was pre-sleep twitches.  Admittedly at an unusual frequency and duration but pre-sleep twitches nonetheless.  Back off, Ladies, Mother of The Year is mine! 

So we spent three hours in the middle of the night at the ER because my daughter was sleepy and twitching.  Huh.  That made me feel pretty stupid.  Even though I feel moderately stupid, I know I did the right thing.  I had not known the difference between a febrile seizure and pre-sleep twitches (myoclonic movements) and now I do.  If something had happened to Princess Tater Tot because I didn’t look into it, I would never have been able to forgive myself.  Sometimes I wish I could be more laid back but I’m just not.  “Better safe than sorry”.

Needless to say, we’ve had an unusual day since neither of us got enough sleep.  The schedule was screwed and I just “winged it” all day.  I’ll be relieved when it’s tomorrow afternoon and we have a better idea of what is wrong with her (and what isn’t)!

It’s funny the things that you take for granted.  When I can vacuum, I don’t particularly want to but now that I can’t, I would like to vacuum almost more than anything.  Why can’t I vacuum?  Princess Tater Tot does not like the vacuum.  Okay, that is the understatement of the year.  She loathes the vacuum.   I try to vacuum and she screams and cries like her life depends on it.  It’s actually quite scary and disturbing to see.  I experimented the other day with putting her in her high chair with a tasty snack while I vacuumed thinking that, since food is one of her favorite things in the world, she would be distracted enough to let me vacuum.  Oh Good Lord was I wrong!  It took 10 minutes after the vacuum was off to calm her down!  It took picking her up out of her high chair, swaying and humming, looking at all of the pictures of Mommy and Daddy, and The Grandmas and Grandpas, and the Princess Tater Tot calendar to get her back to her Happy Place.  Needless to say, I won’t be experimenting with that again any time soon. 

My instinct was to expose her gradually to it and let her cry a little but continue to expose her so she gets used to it.  “A little” was not anywhere close to how much she was crying so I’m thinking we need to go back to our current arrangement: let the dog hair build up until The Mommy absolutely can’t stand it anymore (or until we can make a life-sized dog out of the hair on the carpet), then have either The Mommy or The Daddy take The Tot out on a walk while the other one vacuums.  Strange, but it’s what’s working for now.  Somebody please tell me she’ll grow out of this soon!

I bet you think I’m going to write about food or clothing, don’t you?  Nope.  Although I do have those leanings toward organic food and eco-friendly/body-friendly/non-synthetic clothing, I am a walking dichotomy.  I have been known to shop at major discount stores where just about nothing is organic to save money.  A Mommy has to strike a balance wherever she can.  I’d love to have the luxury of spending as much as I’d need to in order to be completely eco-friendly but in this one-income household, we need to prioritize.  But, I digress.

I wasn’t I’m not going to write about organic food or clothing today.  I’m writing about letting things happen organically.  Last week during our First Birthday Picture Extravaganza  we found a cute little area in the mall with these fiberglass cars, crawl tunnel, bridge, funky mirrors, and twirly things on the walls that had a TON of kids running around.  So we waited for our pictures to develop while playing and watching the other kids.  Tater Tot had a ball and, I think, developed a crush on a little boy while there (she just kept staring at him and tried to reach out and touch him).  We had a good time.  So, today after our major discount store run we went over there to play again.  I knew I was pushing it trying to get a store run and some play time in before we got home but I thought she’d enjoy it.  Well, when we got there, there were 5 kids there and three of them were screaming their heads off and running around at breakneck speeds.  Needless to say, Tater Tot, who doesn’t get out much was a little frightened by it and clung to The Mommy.  Then I started to smell a smell that I hoped was not coming from my child.  But wherever we went, there it was.  So I could only conclude that it could possibly be coming from The Tot.  Time to go because I pulled a Rookie Mommy maneuver and did not bring the diaper bag.  Tater rarely needs changing when we’re out and about and this was supposed to be a quick trip so I thought I could swing it.  Yet another reason I’m not in the running for Mother of the Year. 

We got back in the car and luckily The Tot didn’t throw a fit.  She played happily in the back on the way home and I, strangely enough, no longer smelled the smell.  I hauled her to the changing table as soon as we got home and there was no pooky to be found.  Huh.  But it was good that we left when we did because she was a Hungry Girl and ready for nap time.  Just goes to show this Mommy that sometimes the things that are the most fun are the things that aren’t planned.  Sometimes the plan just doesn’t work out.  Go with the flow, Mommy!

Post script: This applies to developmental stuff too.  When I find myself comparing notes with other mothers, their offspring is inevitably “ahead” of The Tot but Tater ends up getting to it when she is good and ready and well within the range of normal.  So far I’ve been able to squash that urge to do more than “gently encourage” activities because I just think that it’s better for it to happen “organically”.  Better for her, better for me.  Better for everybody.

Last night was the worst night we’ve had since Princess Tater Tot was 3 months old and colicky.  I remember doing the “Tater Tot Stairmaster” up and down and up and down our staircase singing “I’m going up the stairs with Tater Tot in my arms” over and over and over until I was pouring sweat and I thought I was going to die because that is the only thing that would keep her from screaming her head off.  Man, have I gotten spoiled since then!  But last night I felt like I had gone back in time.  She woke up at 9pm wailing.  I gave her homeopathic teething tablets.  Still crying.  Walked and swayed and sang.  Still fussy.  Gave her Tylenol.  Let her play on the big comfy chair with the lights low (yeah, like that makes a difference!  Playing is playing and she probably thinks that she can wake up and play in the middle of the night all the time now!).  Calm, smiling, happy.  Until I start the “sleepytime routine” again.  Then screamin’ her head off.  To top it off we had a house guest.  Suffice it to say he didn’t get a lot of sleep last night either.

Three and a half hours later, she is still fussy.  What the hell?  I’ve given her all the medication I feel comfortable giving her, I have rocked her, given her an extra bottle, and generally done every flippin’ thing I can think of and….NOTHIN’!  Not even a HINT of readiness to go to sleep.  Finally I just let her wail in her crib because I was about to just fall down dead!  Well, that woke up The Daddy and he took over.  It took him another hour to rock her to sleep.

What happened to my happy little sleeper?  Who came in the night and replaced her with Alien Baby With Attitude? Granted, she is getting six new teeth in various stages of breaking through but I did dose her up with all the stuff that’s supposed to make it better. AND she seemed abso-friggin-lutely FINE while we were sitting quietly and she was shaking the homeopathic teething tablet bottle and grinning like the Cheshire Cat.  That’s why I’m wondering if it’s part teething and part separation anxiety.  She is rather attached to The Mommy right now…  Maybe I’ll never know but all I can say is I’m really, really, really glad that whatever it is, it will pass.  I just hope I can last until it does…

On a happier note, we went to the beach today and she had a ball!  She loved playing in the sand and watching the birds fly around.  That’s good news for me.  Maybe this kid will end up being a surfer like her Mommy.  It sure would make it easier for me to get back in the water.  As soon as this kid can swim, I gotta get her on a surf board.

I know that this entry will resonate with someone out there.  Today I was playing with The Princess Tater Tot and happened to spy her longer-than-Mommy’s fingernails.  And mine ain’t short.  They’re not super-long but Tater Tot’s are longer!  It seems like I just trimmed ‘em yesterday!  Then I spy the orange ear wax collecting in her little ear.  Didn’t I just dig all of that out yesterday, too?  And as she turns her sweet little face up to me I see a ginormous booger in her nose.  Aw, crap.  I KNOW she’s not gonna like me digging in there.  As we sit down for lunch, I notice that I have again failed to clean her high chair tray from the last meal and it is crusted over with gunk.  Blech.  Time to whip out the dishrag and disinfecting wipes.  And when I’m changing her there is the unmistakeable whiff of Pooky Pants Past since I am holding off on buying another fragrant diaper pail refill because we are transitioning to cloth diapers (if they would ever arrive!).  Then, of course, there is the ever-present laundry/dishwasher/toilet swish/counter-swipe/put-stuff-away duty of the day.  Lest anyone think that I am complaining, I am not.  I am merely observing how things you think you have a handle on creep up on you and pinch you in the arse when you aren’t looking.  And I am considering myself pinched.  In the arse.

Waking up at 3am with your head spinning is only supposed to happen in college, right?  After the blow-out party of the century?  Well, it seems that every three months this happens to me just for fun with no alcohol involved!  Blech.  At least I’m getting used to it so I know to take a Dramamine first thing when I feel it and do the exercises that the doc gave me that are supposed to “re-orient” whatever it is that goes whack-a-doodle in my ear canal from time to time.  The good news is that I’m not dizzy so that I can take care of Princess Tater Tot in a two-story house without fearing for our safety.  The not-so-great news is that the Dramamine knocks me on my caboose for a day or two.  It feels like I’m operating on three hours sleep.  So, it may be a “multimedia learning day” today.  A Mommy’s gotta do what a Mommy’s gotta do…

Huh.  I had planned to go to a Mommy Group event again today.  Figures.

Today there was supposed to be a park play date at 10:15.  I didn’t RSVP because every time I do, it just doesn’t work out (see last post!).  So I figured we’d just wing it and see what happened.  I put the Princess down at the usual time and she talked to herself for a while as per usual.  She fell asleep a little earlier than usual and I started to hope against hope that we might actually make it!  So, I got on the Mommy Group web site to get directions just as she is waking up.  We’re looking good!  We’ve got a half hour to get her dressed, get out the door and get there!  I quickly navigate to the calendar, click on the event to get the directions and what do I see on the right side of the page but “This event has been cancelled”!  Aw crap!  I swear I’m not meant to make new friends.  The universe is conspiring against me!  Oh well…I guess I’m doomed to be Lonely Mommy.

On an unrelated note, I have been a bit MIA because I have been completely sucked in by The Office - Season Two.  It is hilarious!  It’s not a show that I’ve seen more than a few snippets of but I got completely hooked and was laughing my arse off!  Most of my spare moments have been spent watching the episodes, blooper reel, deleted scenes…you get the picture.  It’s been a bit all-consuming.  I’ve also been checking out the cloth diapering thing and bidding on some on ebay, which has been taking up the rest of my spare time! I’ve also made my own reusable diaper wipes out of old receiving blankets. It’s super-easy!  And if you give me a stick of gum, a tampon, and a paper clip I can get you out of almost any sticky situation you might be in! Just kidding.  I’d need a pair of tube socks, too.

Okay, so yesterday I managed to smush Princess Tater Tot’s little fingers in her high chair, forget about a doctor’s appointment for her, and be quite late with one of her feedings due to running off to the doctor because they said they could squeeze us in.  I’m not winning Mother Of The Year.  But I got a chance to make it up to her when she woke up crying last night.  I ended up rocking her a bit more but she wouldn’t go down in her crib so I slept with her on my chest in the big, comfy recliner in her room until she was so zonked out she didn’t notice she was being transferred back to her crib.  I think she was having tummy trouble because she was squirming so much but she settled down after a while and it was so sweet to have her little sleeping body on mine. 

It took me back to the times when that’s the only way she would sleep and I’d have to make sure I didn’t drink any water for several hours before bed or I’d be sitting there debating in the middle of the night “Do I get up and go pee and risk waking her up when I put her down in her crib or do I continue with the excrutiating pain of holding it for another couple of hours?”  Then there was always the “Good Lord it’s cold in here!  How exactly do I get this blanket off the back of the chair and over us without waking her up?”  I have to say, though, there is not much better a thing in this world than waking up with your little one’s face right next to yours, so peaceful and lovely.  Then she squirms and digs a knee in where it doesn’t belong.  Gak!  Time to risk waking her up and go empty the bladder.

I’m not sure now how I was able to sleep at all that way (with her on me in a recliner) but somehow I did.  And I remember feeling ambivalent about trying to get her to sleep on her own in her crib.  I liked having her sleep with me.  Although she did weigh quite a bit less back then…  Let’s just say that it was nice to have the snuggle time and a chance to redeem myself but I continue to be very grateful that she sleeps 11-12 hours a night in her own crib!

New Year’s Resolution update: still no caffeine, sugar or wine.  Head feels better and body is starting to.  Yay me!