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1.5 pounds, that is. When I wrote the previous post I really only had 8.5 pounds to lose to get to my goal of losing 10 pounds. As of yesterday I have 11.5. Yeah, I treated myself a little bit between Christmas and New Year’s. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted! It doesn’t sound like much to lose but when you’re 5′2″ and at the most you’ve ever weighed not pregnant, every pound counts.

So yesterday was the first day of Diet and Organize. It was a pretty good day. The Tater Tot hung out with me while I de-cluttered some parts of the office and rearranged things so her toys fit in there better. Dragged some empty containers out of the garage and sorted toys into them, snapped the lids in place and voila! Better organization! We’ll see how long it lasts. Her birthday is in less than two months and she’ll be getting more stuff so…

The other part of organizing is more “time/event/routines” organizing than “stuff” organizing and for that I think I’m going to go back to Flylady.net. I’ve known about and have been following the “Flylady guidelines” for a long time now but I’ve been seriously slippin’ for about 6 months. I read an email she sent the other day about waking up to a sink full of dirty dishes making you grouchy and I could totally relate. Last night was the first night in a loooong time that I made sure that the dishes were all done, sink was clean, high chair tray was clean and ready to go and my laundry was started. AND I got to bed at a reasonable time! I woke up this morning and thought “Holy cow! This is what it’s like to not have to hit the ground running in the morning!” It was nice to have that time to myself instead of having to start right in on “getting it done”.

It was kind of a challenge not to eat something sweet last night since I’ve gotten in the habit of having a little treat of some sort every night. But there really wasn’t anything left in the house that was sweet since I ATE IT ALL! And I was too lazy to go to the store and get a treat. More accurately, I didn’t want to feel like a complete loser trekking out to the store less than 24 hours after my resolution started to break it. Besides the fact that I’m really feeling like it’s time to just do this thing. I’m tired of looking back at the past month (or two or five months) and realizing that I’m in the exact same place I was before. I’m tired of thinking “If you had just stuck to it, you’d be there by now”. And I’m tired of wanting to look different. I know it’s not going to be easy. And maybe I’ll decide instead that I’m really okay with how I look and I don’t need to lose 11.5 pounds. It could happen. It probably won’t but it could!

It’s all about habits. Habits that keep me organized (or unorganized), habits that keep me heavier than I want to be, habits that keep me tired and stressed out. It’s all a matter of getting used to something different. Of course I expect the occasional slip-up but the trick is not to let it get back to a habit. Nothin’ wrong with a little treat every now and again!

So wish me luck!

I didn’t think that I was going to be that person but I am. That person that, on January 1st makes a New Year’s Resolution to lose 10 pounds. And, yes, these are the same 10 pounds that I have been wanting to lose, talking about losing, and making half-hearted efforts to lose for a year and a half. Just the other day I said I wasn’t going to be that person. But today, it feels inevitable. I feel compelled to go through the ritual of making the resolution to lose weight. Do I really think I’ll be able to do it? Sure! Why not? If I didn’t believe at least a teeny-tiny bit that I would be able to do it, I wouldn’t even bother making the resolution.

Why start January 1st? Why not start today or tomorrow? Or even the next day. Well, I don’t have a good answer for that except “Why not start January 1st?”. It’s as good a day as any and it relieves some of the pressure until then. I feel more free to just eat rather than examine, analyze, measure and then eat. Talk about sucking all the fun out of food!

Until January 1st, I guess I’m going to make a plan. A plan that helps me get more organized so it’s not so easy to say “I’m too tired” or “I’ve got too many other things to do”. A plan that helps me keep my house clean, my chores done, fit exercise into my day, and get to bed on time. Good luck with that! I can’t remember the last time I got to bed “on time” and got enough sleep. I’m embarrassed to say what it was that I was watching that kept me up past my “bed time” last night. Let’s just say it was on MTV and it’s about people half my age! Vicarious living, I’m sure…

I’m hopeful. Convinced that I’ll succeed? Not entirely. But I’m almost convinced. Does that count for anything? Yeah, I didn’t think so. Oh well, I’ve got four days to convince myself…

Ok, so I had a niggling feeling last night that my period might start four days early, effectively canceling the LEEP I am supposed to have today. I was right. What made me think it would start early? Oh, the pint of ice cream and intense craving for carbohydrates, probably. I was a carb-eating machine yesterday. Since The Tot was born, I have very few PMS symptoms but carb-cravings definitely tops the list. Unfortunately, the list is rounded out with cramps and fatigue. But, all-in-all, I’d say I’m pretty lucky as far as that kinda stuff goes. No fire-breathing dragon mood swings or soreness, which is nice for all of us here at Casa de Tater Tot.

The good thing about canceling the LEEP again is that my mom doesn’t have to drive two hours in the nasty, windy, raininess that we’re having here in Southern California right now to sit with The Tot. The bad thing is that I have to wait again and psych myself up all over again the next time. Blech. I am grateful that the biopsy came back normal and this is just a recommended procedure to take the abnormal cells off or I’d be freakin’ out a little bit.

I have decided that I deserve a day off. How exactly am I going to accomplish this? By changing my mind set. The laundry can wait. The dishes can wait. There are no errands that can’t wait until tomorrow. I’ve got a frozen pizza that’s calling our names for dinner. There are several episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba on the Tivo. And Charlie Brown Christmas on the CD player. It’s going to be a nice, relaxing and cozy day at home today. Famous last words? I hope not.

So tomorrow I get to go to the doc’s and have ‘em get all up in my “personal and private areas” for the LEEP procedure. Finally. Not that I’ve been looking forward to it. I haven’t. But it’s been postponed twice and I just want it to be over with so I can start fresh with a clean cervical slate, so to speak.

Since last time I blogged about this, I have found out that my original female gynecologist that went on maternity leave is not returning. Huh. Does this mean that the male gynecologist I am seeing tomorrow becomes my regular gyno? I’m not thrilled about that prospect. Maybe I’m a prude but I have other reasons why I’m not thrilled about this guy. He’s definitely competent. He assisted on my fibroid surgery a couple of years ago and it went great but he lacks a bedside manner. ANY bedside manner from the little that I’ve seen. I hope I’m wrong and I just caught him on a bad day the one time that I met him. Maybe his undies were too tight. Or he was in the middle of giving up caffeine for Lent. Or he had a huge fight with his wife. Or domestic partner. Or whatever. Even if that is the case, I think I’ll be finding a new gynecologist after this procedure is done. I really liked the doc that delivered Tater Tot…my doc was not around and she was on call. She had just the right balance of compassion and “kick butt” for me. I wonder if she’s accepting new patients…

GAK! I’ve been really pretty successful at blocking this whole, big looming thing out of my mind all week. Tater Tot and I have had a great week! But now it’s hitting me and I’m nervous. I was telling The Daddy tonight that, if it was a surgery on my arm, I wouldn’t be half as nervous. I think it’s partially the “stirrup factor” and partially the “personal, private area” factor. Which, I guess are inextricably linked. But they are separate. It’s just humiliating to be sitting there for long periods of time with your feet in stirrups and your hoo-haa hangin’ out. Or with someone peering into it. That’s the stirrup factor. The “personal, private area” factor has more to do with “Ouch! That’s my cervix!”. It’s just not right to have someone cutting stuff out of there! But I’m doing it because the abnormal cells have to come out somehow and I just don’t have the cash to go to a naturopathic physician for a treatment that is not guaranteed.

Gammaw is coming to stay with The Tot tomorrow while I’m at the doc’s. It’s supposed to rain cats and dogs and Gammaw is driving two hours to babysit. I love leaving The Tot with her but I really need to get regular child care sometime soon for Gammaw’s sake. If nothing else so I can go to the doctor or dentist without my Mom having to make a day of it! The Daddy originally took the day off of work so he could stay with The Tot but that was when they canceled on me late the day before. He’s not doing that again.

Anyway, enough drama. Tater Tot and I had a really good week this week! She has made HUGE progress being around other kids. On Monday at preschool, she chose to leave Gossageesie at home when I asked her if she wanted to bring him! And while we were there she played across the room from me and didn’t cry and run away when other kids approached her. That’s totally new! AND when kids approached her and tried to take her toy away, she hung on and didn’t cry. Usually, if a kid comes within three feet of her, she abandons her toy and runs crying to me. Parents, including myself, kept a close eye on the situation and it all worked out. She stood up for herself and kept her toy when appropriate and nobody got upset.

Today we went to Barnes and Noble because she loves the train set there. Usually, if there are other kids playing with it, she’ll cling to me and not go to the train table. Today she marched right up there, grabbed a train and joined in even though there were three other kids playing! And when a little boy wanted Bertie The Bus, I asked her if she would share with him. She tried to give him Lady since she had both but he really wanted Bertie. I asked her if she would share Bertie with him and she did! It’s so great to see her starting to understand more and mature. She’s still really, really good at throwing fits but I expect that will continue for a good, long time anyway. I know that I’m completely biased but she really is just the sweetest child. She loves her new nickname “Mommy’s Princess Snuggle Bug”. Maybe thinking about her cute little face will get me through the utter repugnance of tomorrow. I just have to remember that I’m doing this so I can be around a good, long time for her.

Thankfully (I think!) it’s mostly physically falling apart as opposed to emotionally falling apart. I’ve got a handle on the emotional right now. Lots of stuff running around my brain and making dents in my psyche but nothin’ I can’t handle and nothing that’s not “normal”. The physical, however, is not working. I’ve got shoulder strain and hamstring strain and lower back spasms and fleeting, sharp abdominal pain. But other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

I went to see the Nurse Practitioner this week and she said “Stop rocking The Tater Tot standing up! Set limits! Show her who the adult is here!”. The last one went a bit far but I could see how, only having seen me for a half hour, she could come to the conclusion that I over-indulge The Tot. I really don’t, as evidenced by the number of tantrums that occur each day that I DON’T give in to. But I DO carry her up and down the stairs because it’s quicker, lean over to pick stuff up with her on my hip, rock her standing up for nap and bed times because she “won’t let me rock her in a chair”, run and jump and dance and play almost incessantly for most of the day. It was the “won’t let me rock her in a chair” that gave her the impression that I’m The Flexi-Mommy that doesn’t set limits. And the amount of “Pickapookoo” that I described is going on right now. And the description of how desperately (and pathetically) I’m trying to have a life after The Tot goes to bed.

So I moved the comfy chair that I slipcovered in pink and purple fuzzy material into our bed room for Reading Time With Mommy (because she no longer wants Reading Time With Daddy…it’ll pass) before bed time and moved the rocker from our room to her room. I doubted. I doubted a lot that she would not throw a fit when I tried to rock her in the chair. But I swear, every time I am apprehensive about some change in her routine, she pulls through like a champ. I explained to her that Mommy needs to rock her in the chair because my back hurts and she was fine! Not a peep! Snuggled in like we’ve always done it that way! Hallelujah.

Decreasing “Pickapookoo” has been relatively easy too! Who knew? I explained, again, that Mommy’s back hurts and she cried a bit the first day or two when I would pick her up and sit with her in a chair as opposed to standing with her but I’ve noticed that the requests have decreased. I still hug and shnug her as much as I can because I do miss the closeness that the pickapookoo affords.

As for the abdominal pain, I got to go through yet another pelvic exam. Yay. *sarcasm* But she said everything seems normal down there (no cysts/masses, etc.) so let’s just call it ovulation pain and keep an eye on it. That’s actually the least of my worries. Thanksgiving is around the corner (we’re hosting), my LEEP procedure is next week (fun), my house is nowhere near clean enough for company, we’re taking off to visit Gammaw and Gampaw today since they’re not going to be able to come for Thanksgiving and I haven’t even started my Christmas shopping. Thank God The Daddy doesn’t expect me to cook a home made Thanksgiving dinner on top of it all. Marie Callendar’s to the rescue! Martha Stewart I am not.

Mommy Tip: If, like me, you’re not a Martha and/or don’t enjoy hours and hours slaving in a hot kitchen, consider using one of the many places have dinners that you only need to heat up. Our local health food store has ‘em, the grocery store, Marie Callendar’s… You might not be able to get one for Thanksgiving since it’s just a few days away (but try anyway!) but Christmas isn’t too far away now and you could call your order in now! There’s nothin’ wrong with delegating a little bit of the holiday cooking! Who cares if it’s not the way your mother/mother-in-law does it? Start a new tradition!

Today was “take care of it” day. Rescheduled the LEEP procedure that I canceled last week because we were on our evacuation vacation. Called Samsung…AGAIN…about our TV. Finally called the manufacturer of my computer about the Blue Screen Of Death I get when I try to sign on to AOL. I hate it when my technology is screwed up.

I have gotten very comfortable with Firefox these days since I have just not wanted to deal with calling the computer manufacturer about the BSOD. I’m glad I finally did call even though they basically said “It’s not our fault, it’s AOL’s”. So I just “chatted” with an AOL LiveHelp person and he told me what I could do to fix it. I’m not holding my breath. I hate to be pessimistic but I tried uninstalling and reinstalling AOL today and it just screwed things up worse. But, I’ll give it a try. Or not. Maybe I’ll save $10 a month and just keep my free email addy. I’ll have to see how lazy, I mean, how I feel about AOL in the morning.

Apparently Samsung is magic. I called them today and tried to talk with someone in Executive Customer Relations because the last time I talked with them on the 16th, the guy said he would call me no matter what the outcome of the conversation he had with the Regional Service Engineer. Uh, he didn’t call. Surprise! I made it pretty darned clear that I refused to sit on hold for 45 minutes to get with ECR because the last time I called them, the process took 1 hour and 15 minutes. They regular customer service guy told me that there was nothing he could do for me in terms of getting me to an Executive Customer Relations person faster but did say that his notes mentioned that the part that was indefinitely back ordered is now available. Magic! So I hung up and called my TV repair guy. Wonder of all wonders, he actually answered the flippin’ phone! He was as incredulous as I and said that he’d call them to ask why he doesn’t yet have the part since he ordered it eons ago. I can’t even begin to get my hopes up that I might actually have my TV back by the holidays. I know that I would just have those hopes dashed on the rocks that are Samsung Customer Service. I have never been so frustrated with a company in my life. And I will say it again: DO NOT BUY A SAMSUNG TV EVER. I mean it. Just say “no” to Samsung. Oh crap! I forgot to talk to Executive Customer Relations about them covering all of the cost, not just the parts. Oh well…I have time. Who knows when the part will actually get to my repair guy. A battle for another day.

And then there’s the LEEP procedure. I am NOT looking forward to that. I wasn’t looking forward to it when my female GYN suggested it as a possibility far in the future after several abnormal test results. I wasn’t looking forward to it when my new female GYN that took the place of my old GYN who was on maternity leave recommended it after my last biopsy. And I’m really, really not looking forward to it now that it has been rescheduled with yet another GYN who is male because my new/old female GYN is now going on maternity leave as well. Yes, maybe I’m being a bit weird about it but I just don’t like having a male gynecologist. It’s uncomfortable enough hangin’ out with your feet in stirrups when a woman is staring at your “girl parts” and snipping stuff out of there. I’ve heard of sedation dentistry…do you think they have “sedation gynecology”? Probably not. Am I being prudish?

I’m on a roll. And not a good one. I’m back on the sugar and it’s bad this time. Add to it that I’m not going outside to go for walks or runs since the air quality is not good and you’ve got a Rapidly Expanding Mommy. Not good, especially since the holidays are right around the corner. Who can resist the holiday goodies? The sad thing is, I can’t really remember the last time I had a good, honest-to-goodness, sweat-drenching workout. It’s been about three weeks since I’ve been to Pilates because of illness and cancellation due to fires but that class doesn’t make me sweat that much. It challenges my muscles, for sure, but sweat? Not so much. Aaaaaaargh! I need to run!

*Heavy Sigh* Tomorrow starts my sugar detox.

As predicted, a couple of days later I am feeling better. Just needed a little adjustment of the noggin’. The Grandma is always pretty good at helping me do that. I just expect too much of myself most of the time so it’s pretty easy to get “down”. I’m not real good at not comparing myself to other people sometimes, too, which doesn’t help. And I always think I should be able to do more than I am currently doing. What’s up with that??! Anyway, I’m feeling a bit better. I think I’m back on track. And I’m really feeling like the thyroid meds are working now, which is nice.

I got my Mommy Butt out to the community rec pool for a lap swim yesterday. Hallelujah! It felt so good to swim! It’s been over two years and I miss it! It’s just not possible for me to swim AND for The Daddy to surf during the week so I let him surf. He needs to surf more than I need to swim right now, I think. But I am going to start swimming on Saturdays.

The other day The Daddy came home with a pair of pink
Vans for Tater Tot. They look so cute on her and she looooves them!

Aren’t they the cutest teeny-tiny little things? If you don’t have a Vans store near you, Zappos.com Kid’s Shoes
has them. Lots of other cute styles, too. It cracks me up that The Daddy likes to shop for Tater Tot. Who woulda’ thought? Not This Mommy.

Well, I think the increased dose of thyroid medication is finally kicking in. I no longer physically feel like laying on the floor all day with Tater Tot running in circles around me, which is nice! I’m actually getting two loads of laundry done most days (yes, we generate THAT much dirty laundry…how, I don’t know), cleaning up the kitchen between meals, picking up the crayons and “floor food” several times a day, running errands, etc. without feeling like collapsing several times during the day. That’s improvement. The downside is that I’m kind of overwhelmed with how much there is to DO during the day. It seems like I never sit down except to eat lunch or check my email and I’m cleaning all day long. Why does it still look like a bomb went off in my house when I put Tater Tot down for the night? Why do I have to work for 45 minutes to an hour to get it back in order before I can relax? Why can’t I remember all the productive stuff I’ve done all day long???

It’s actually quite depressing. I think I’m just in a funk right now. I cringe to even say that I’m a little bit depressed because I have nothing to be depressed about. I get to stay at home with my wonderful daughter and raise her the way I’ve always wanted to. Yes, there is stress in my life. I worry about money sometimes. Probably because I earned a darned good income before I became a mommy and it’s a huge adjustment to go from two incomes to one. I feel old, fat, and tired and there are health issues that stick in my brain even when I try to let go of them. I am injured and can’t deal with my stress about health and money issues like I used to: run until I drop or until it’s all sorted out in my head, whichever comes first, swim hard, or surf for a couple of hours. I don’t like that. I don’t like feeling limited. It makes me feel old that I have a tweak in my shoulder, tightness in my hip, a chronically tweaked hamstring and at least 10 extra pounds. It seems like every other day I’m adding a new twinge to my list of boo-boos. And, worst of all, I don’t feel like I have control over certain aspects of my life. Some days it feels like too much effort to take care of myself by preparing the kind of food I should eat even though I know that, if I just stuck to it for a while, I’d see results and feel stronger. Or to figure out some exercise that I can still do.

I know that a couple of days from now I’ll be feeling better and that I’m just a little down right now. I just needed to get that out of my system…aren’t you glad you stopped by today?

On a more positive note, Tater Tot went in for her 18 month appointment yesterday and it went better than expected! Usually she screams from the time we enter the examination room until the time we leave the building. This time she played with the toys in the waiting room without a fuss and didn’t cry until we went into the hallway to go to the exam room. I was able to keep her calm most of the time except when the doctor and nurse came in initially and when she was examined/vaccinated. By the way, did you know that “NoMommyNoMommyNoMommyNoMommy” is one word? Yep. That was her favorite word yesterday during our doctor visit. But she was fine and we survived. It was so cute, when she would get upset I’d ask her “Do you want some huggies?” and she’d say “Huggies. Huggies.” and throw her little arms around my neck. She was able to be comforted while the doc and I talked, which is unusual. It was nice to not have to shout to hear each other. You think I’m joking. I’m not. We usually have to shout over her screaming/crying. It’s draining.

When the doc went down the checklist of things she “should” be able to do, he asked how many words she had that other people would understand “Three or four?”. I said “At least five.” but I thought it was a lot more than that. When I got home, over lunch I thought about how many she actually could say that were understandable to anyone but The Mommy and I came up with 12 just off the top of my head. During dinner The Daddy was interested in it as well so we continued to count. We came up with over 40 words! (Yes, I’m bragging a teeny bit…she’s my girl!) Even if you lop off 15 for Parental Over-Reaching, that’s still 25 words. She’s a talker!

The past two days she’s cut me a little slack on the constant need to be carried, playing on her own for awhile at a time, which is nice, too. Mommy’s body needed a teeny break from carrying the Growing Girl. But she’ll still run over and snuggle in for some huggies every once in a while. There’s nothin’ better!

I have discovered muscles that I never knew I had. And they are screaming at me. LOUDLY. I knew it was too good to be true when I wasn’t that sore yesterday from my Pilates class on Tuesday. In the back of my mind I knew that I would pay today.

My neck hurts which is connected to the pain in my shoulders and shoulder blades which is connected to the soreness in my lower back which is connected to the tightness in my hips which is connected to the flaming feeling I feel in my abdomen when I try to get up from laying down which is connected to the reminder in my legs that I have not been running lately and have gotten weaker which is connected (indirectly) to my big toe which is also sore. I think my hair even hurts!

The instructor told us not to push ourselves too hard. But did I listen? Noooooo. Of course not! But, on the bright side, it is a reminder that I have used my muscles recently. Which is a good thing. I tried to lay off running for a while because my hamstring was tweaked but that resulted in virtually no exercise for a couple of weeks. Not because I couldn’t. Just because I didn’t. Running is just my go-to exercise. Always makes me feel better and it can be done with The Tot. But the hamstring isn’t healing like I’d like so I’m going to have to diversify. That means lifting weights during nap time or after she goes to bed. Or getting a lap swim in on a weekend morning when The Daddy can hang out with Tater Tot. Or surfing on the weekends. Walking is always an option but, since we’ve taken a break from our daily walk/jogs, Tater Tot has decided she doesn’t like the stroller as much and would much prefer play time to stroller time. And she is The Center Of The Universe so…