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Hey there…it’s been a while. Okay, a LONG while. Life has been just buzzing right along here at Princess Tater Tot’s house. And I have just realized that it IS Princess Tater Tot’s house. While she is not completely over-indulged, I have realized that there are some things that I could be doing differently. As an only child, the spoilage factor runs high anyway and, for the past few days anyway, that has become abundantly clear. As I only have a few minutes until I need to get her up, I will run through this at record speed and be back tomorrow for an update.

For a few days now, The Princess has been acting, well, SPOILED. And, yes, I used capital letters for a reason. Melting down at the tiniest thing. Dramatic crying spells on the floor when she can’t do something she wants to do. Irritating and slow behavior. Ignoring requests and commands. And saying “NO” in a less-than-nice voice to most things. As this is fairly unusual for her (at least the intensity and duration that I’m seeing now), I kept asking her if she felt okay thinking that maybe her blood sugar numbers were off or that she might have a UTC (more common for diabetic girls, apparently). Nope. She feels fine. She’s just running the show.

So I looked online a bit for articles on toddler behavior and, while looking at the library for other things, came across another book that I’m currently reading called “I Refuse To Raise A Brat” by Marilu Henner and a child psychologist. It has brought up some good points that I need to pay attention to. As the parent of an only child who is a girl, I have tended to protect her (for lack of a better word) too much. And I will pay if I continue. I need to keep in mind that my job and my goal here is to raise a confident, productive member of society, not to make her feel good all of the time.

This explanation is simplified and I am not the over-indulgent mother who lets her child get away with everything but there are things I feel I need to change. I’m going to take a little more time to synthesize my thoughts and the information that I’m reading before I expand on this. I was just so excited to realize that I need to change things…okay, excited is maybe not the word I’m looking for but I’m at a loss right now for the right one so I’ll leave it at that.

Now I’m off to get Princess Tater Tot up for the day. She’s trying her first ballet class today! And that’s a whole other post…there have been tutus everywhere lately!

Ok, it’s been a while since my last post. I’ve had teensy bits of time to myself and have gotten some perspective. A little friend of The Tot’s has also been diagnosed with diabetes and we have been able to help a little bit. It is a horrible, horrible thing to go through. And it gets better. For now, I am on the up side of the roller coaster. And it is a roller coaster. There are times when life seems almost normal. Besides all the poking and measuring, of course. Times when I go to test her and her numbers all look good or, if they don’t look good, there is a pattern of them returning to normal at a specific time of the day. Or I know I can do something specific to return her to “normal”. Times when the docs and nurses are all reassuring and adjustments are made that make me feel more in control and less like The Sugar Bugs have taken over our world. Of course they have, but the illusion of control makes all the difference in my mental health so I’m hangin’ on to it.

Then there are the times when nothing looks normal, I am worried sick and I have to get up in the middle of the night to test her, further depleting any reserves (HA!) that I had. I am grateful that this is not one of those times. For now, I am going to enjoy the relative normalcy and learn all that I can so that, when we are on the next down side of this roller coaster, maybe it won’t be quite the drastic drop that it was before.

And I am going to enjoy my beautiful, funny, loving little girl. She is the best reason in the world for doing all that I do.

Things have been a bit, well, raw lately. I haven’t been writing that much even though I’d like to because I feel like I’d just be complaining and whining to my three readers. And I don’t want to drive you away. Lord knows I can’t afford to lose any of the three of you.

I’ve thought about what posts I can write that add value to your lives either through information and education or humor. Posts that I can write that entertain and inform. Topics I can cover that many parents will relate to. I got nothin’. Nothin’ but a whole lotta nothin’. And that stems from having no time to myself. No time to feel creative or replenish my energy stores or be motivated to do much of anything. At least with a newborn, I could find the humor in things. I could find a way to make fun of myself. I haven’t gotten there yet with this stage of my life. I will. I’m starting to. But not quite yet.

The less than zero time to myself is coming to a head. I need to take a break or sanity will leave and The Daddy will have 24-7 responsibility of Tater Tot and her Diabetes because I will be at The Funny Farm. They will be able to visit me in my padded cell and maybe, if I’m good, they’ll undo one of my arms so I can give my little girl and husband a side-hug. All while closely supervised, of course.

Okay, maybe it’s not that bad but it still merits a bit of attention. Which is why I am grateful that this Thursday is the monthly Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation Parent Coffee in my neck of the woods. I so badly need to connect with parents who have been through this or are going through this. I need support from someone who knows what it’s like. I’m just not sure that anyone else but a Diabetes Mom would understand the crushing responsibility for everything from damage to future IQ to diabetic retinopathy due to poor blood sugar control to treating daily low blood sugars that could become fatal or the futile attempt to keep a toddler’s blood sugars within the acceptable range. And while the JDRF Mentor Mom they assigned me is really great, I need to know her a bit better to show my crazy. I’m sure she probably would understand a babbling, sobbing mess calling her on the phone but I just have not been able to do that lately. I think partly because I’m not sure how to articulate what’s wrong. Except that I need a break. There is nobody I can leave Tater Tot with because I am it. Nevermind that the stress of trying to keep her blood sugar in range, save as much money as humanly possible while making it all stretch as far as I can AND while feeding my family in the healthiest possible way and keeping the house tidy and organized so as to provide a supportive environment for above-mentioned hard-working husband is driving me crazy and providing no time to take care of myself. Minor details.

I know that we will get this all worked out and I will adjust. We’re just hitting some speed bumps. Very large, very ugly speed bumps. Unfortunately, along the way, This Mommy is getting a little irritated and I can safely say that I will not be winning the Mother of The Year Award.

I’m depressed. It feels good to admit it. Am I so depressed that I can’t function? No. Am I clinically depressed and in need of therapy and medication? No. I know these things because I am “retired” Licensed Clinical Social Worker and, although evaluating my own symptoms is probably not totally objective, I know enough to know that I have coping skills and I am using them. The one where I sit on the couch after Tater Tot has gone to bed and stare, slack-jawed and drooling at the television or stuff my face with snack-foods probably isn’t the most healthy but it’s better than some ways that people “cope”. I actually DO have coping skills and a support network so I am okay but there are more down-in-the-dumps moments these days than before and I feel less healthy.

A couple of days ago there were lots of down-in-the-dumps moments, all in a row. It just kinda hit me. Until I know more about how to take care of Tater Tot’s diabetes, we’re kind of in a box. Restricted by numbers and time. Unable to stay as long as we’d like or participate in as many activities or be as spontaneous. It felt like someone had put the lid on the box and had forgotten to poke holes for air. I cried. A lot. I know that, once I have more experience caring for a child with diabetes, we will be able to make exceptions and adapt to situations. But, for now, I don’t feel like I have that flexibility and it is completely stifling.

I am the “primary caregiver” for a lot of things. I take care of Tater Tot physically, emotionally, developmentally, medically, and nutritionally. I try to take care of my husband physically, emotionally, and sexually. I take care of the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, and the finances. And I try to take care of myself. Now that diabetes has entered our lives, the taking care of myself has been squeezed out of the picture. There just isn’t room for it anymore. Which is probably why I am sick with a cold yet again. There is no “sleeping in”. Not a lot of flexibility in our schedule because of Tater Tot’s need to be on a pretty tight food/insulin schedule. And, if her blood sugar is low at bed time, she needs a snack. Which means she stays up past her bed time. Which means I have less time for myself. Which makes me a little bit crazy. And then there’s the need to test her in the middle of the night if her blood sugar is low at bed time to make sure she doesn’t dip down again. Even less sleep than I’m getting? Not a good idea.

I know that many people would say I need to ask my husband to take over so I can have a break. And he sometimes does. But when both of us are so tired that we could fall asleep by 6pm and he is working a weekend job in addition to teaching, how can I ask him to take over? I suppose we could trade off but I guess I figure that, since he is working so hard so that I can stay home with The Tot, he gets to be the one that gets the break.

Yesterday was one of those times that he took over. I went for an exercise walk by myself and it felt weird to not be pushing a stroller. Good, but weird. I felt like Forrest Gump, wanting to keep going and going and going until I just didn’t want to go anymore. “Run, Forrest! Run!” Not running away from my family, just “running myself out”. I used to do that when I was young and single and relatively free from responsibility. I would run until I didn’t want to run anymore. Then I’d be so far from home that I had to run even more to get home. By the time I got back, I’d be so worn out I didn’t care about what had been bothering me before I started the run. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, time and injury prevent me from doing that these days. But it felt good to be on my own and free from responsibility even just for 45 minutes.

I know that I need to find more ways to get time to myself. But they just don’t seem to be there. Even if I don’t get time to myself, it has become readily apparent that I need to sleep more and take better care of myself. It’s hard to do because it means putting aside the things I love to do but have no time to do anymore. Those things that I stay up too late doing and get up too early to do. I guess it’s all about balance. And I haven’t quite found it yet. I will. But not yet.

As it turns out, my mini-break-down was short-lived. That doesn’t mean that I’m not living with a low-level depression. It just means that my toes are away from the edge. It means that I am functioning well in most areas and I’m able to take care of my daughter and have a good time with her. But what is missing is that I’m having a hard time taking care of myself. I have to get her up earlier in order to time her meals and insulin in a way that works for our schedule. She goes to bed later because, inevitably, her blood sugar is too low at bed time so she gets a snack. Which means Mommy Time has shrunk. Like there was very much to begin with. I am not eating right and I am not exercising as much. I am not sleeping enough in a stupid and vain attempt to have a teeny bit of anything for myself. I am being Super Mom and Wonder Woman and it is taking a toll. I am caring for everyone else except myself and it can’t last much longer. I’ve gotta change something or I will crash soon. Unfortunately, I can’t see where the change is going to happen. The Daddy is starting his Spring work schedule which means the seasonal job that he works in addition to teaching is giving him more hours. That means Mommy needs to suck it up and deal because Daddy’s tired, too. Gotta figure something out soon, though.

On a more positive note, The Tot is adjusting well. Her need for insulin is decreasing during the “honeymoon period” so she tends to run on the low blood sugar side of things right now until we work with the docs to figure it out but we’ve got it under control. We’ve established a routine, of sorts, and she’s back to doing her normal activities. I have noticed, however, that she has gotten a lot pickier since she’s been home from the hospital. Doesn’t want to do as many things and doesn’t want to eat certain things, either. I used to be able to suggest a snack and have her jump at it but now she says “Different snack” several times until I get the right one. She doesn’t want to go on a walk after dinner like she used to and she doesn’t want to go on our morning Stroller Ride. She has never, ever, ever said “Don’t want that” about any dinner that I have made but I have heard her say that multiple times since we have been home from the hospital.

I can’t help but wonder if this is her almost-three-year-old way of controlling what she can control. She is learning to say “yes” instead of “no” to lots of Mommy requests (things that are inappropriate to say “no” to), including getting stuck multiple times a day and when to change her diapers (although I try to give her choices about that, too!). So, really, food and activities are the things that she can control right now. Side note: not a good time to start potty training again! It would just end up in a power struggle, I think.

So, all-in-all, we are settling in to a new reality and things are going as well as can be expected. I have a mainly treatment-compliant child who is asserting her independence in other ways, which is not a problem in the grand scheme of things. It makes meal time a bit challenging but at least she’s not screaming when I try to give her insulin. I’ve got to be grateful for that. My sense of humor has not quite figured out how to make the best of the situation yet but it’s only been three weeks, people. It’ll happen.

Last I wrote, I was still in the hospital with my darling little girl and we were learning how to deal with juvenile diabetes. We were discharged a week ago and it things have gone pretty well. The Tater Tot doesn’t put up too much of a fight although she has started saying “No needle. No needle.” sometimes at dinner. And she doesn’t seem to want her insulin anywhere but her arm (for those of you who don’t know because I didn’t before this whole ordeal: injecting in the same place all the time builds up scar tissue which does not allow the insulin to absorb as well so you have to vary the injection site). So I have to convince…oh heck, let’s be real: I have to bribe her to take her injection somewhere else. She has only had one concerningly high reading but she’s been a little low more than I’m comfortable with. In terms of managing her diabetes, it has gone well. However, The Mommy hit an emotional wall yesterday. Actually, it was more of a crash than a hit. Hit implies less force. This thing just about knocked me flat.

I know that everything will be okay. I know that I am a good, attentive, nurturing Mommy who will do a good job raising her child. But my job just got harder. The sheer enormity of being directly responsible for whether or not she goes into a life-threatening low or high and the rigidity with which we must live our lives at least for now just got to be a bit much yesterday. We have been trying to keep things as normal as possible and The Tot has gone to all her regular classes and a few play dates even though we have been home only a week. But things are not normal. At least not the normal that we have known ’til now. It is not normal to have to stick a needle in your child’s appendages even when she doesn’t want you to. It is not normal to have to ask 4 or more times a day “Which finger?” and take action to get blood from that finger to make sure she is okay. It is not normal to see bruises on her tiny toddler arms where IV’s were stuck and veins were prodded to get blood for labs. Or to hear her say to convince herself every time you go to give her the shot “It doesn’t hurt.” Or to toss and turn and eventually give up and go test her again in the middle of the night because you’re not sure the snack you gave her before bed raised her blood sugar enough to not be dangerously low in the morning. And it’s just not normal for this sweet little angel to willingly hand over her finger every time I ask her to in order to get stuck yet again.

I am grateful that she is still enamored of her “new pink thingy” that tests her blood even though it means pricking her finger and that she, at least so far, is still cooperative. Because if/when she starts to resist more than the mild resistance we’ve seen so far, it is going to break my heart. And I know that I will do what I have to do even though she doesn’t want me to because those actions will save her life. I also know that this will get easier. And harder. All at the same time.

Life has just been plugging right along. I find that with this blog, as well as with my personal journal-writing, when things are good, I don’t write as much. There’s not much angst or stuff to work out nor as much humor, self-deprecating or otherwise. A sense of humor is key to dealing with the stress of motherhood and I find that my sense of humor feels at home in this stress.

Lately things just haven’t been as stressful. Yes, Tater Tot loooves her a tantrum on a daily basis and likes to “step the envelope” (push the envelope) with Mommy but it’s just not the same kind of stress I felt when she was younger. The doubt-myself-daily kind of stress where I wondered if I was doing something (or everything) wrong and if/when I would scar her for life. I have become very comfortable in motherhood.

Well, this week, my comfort level was dealt a major blow. It started last week when I noticed that Princess Tater Tot was drinking everything she could get her hands on. Then she started peeing through her Huggies in record time and I started to be concerned. It had been 80 degrees or near that here in lovely San Diego, though, so I chalked it up to being thirsty because it was hot. She was also super-duper cranky, which I chalked up to being almost-three. But then, Saturday morning I saw some symptoms that I couldn’t ignore. She was shaky at breakfast and her speech seemed a little thick. The Daddy didn’t notice it as much as I did but I knew that something was just off. It went away, though, so I decided to just keep an eye on it. By Tuesday morning at Mommy and Me I knew I had to call the doc because, although she had periods of normalcy, the lethargy and crankiness had ratcheted up a notch and something was just not right. We couldn’t get an appointment with her regular doc so we made one at the after-hours clinic for his pediatrics group. At 7:30 that night we found out that she is diabetic and were directed immediately to Children’s Hospital for a minimum three-day stay. We’ve been at Chez Children’s ever since and, I’ll tell you, I’m ready to go home but terrified to do so.

Going home means that I am totally responsible for my child’s health. Not that I wasn’t before. Obviously I was. But that was when there was nothing wrong, or so we thought. That was before I knew I needed to measure and restrict and say “no you can’t have some of Mommy’s pizza” or stick my child with a needle and poke her finger 4 times a day. Before our lives changed forever.

So far I have not fallen apart but I can’t guarantee what will happen when we get home. I am tired and the hospital, while so necessary and helpful, has sapped all of my energy. I have not exercised or sewn in 4 days (the things I do to deal with stress) and I just want to sleep in my own bed. If you can’t tell, my sense of humor has not quite found a home in this yet. But it will. I have no doubt. Just like with any other challenge, I will find a way to make it funny and take the edge off. But not yet. For now, all of my energy is focused on learning how to live our new lifestyle and how not to let it limit us. I know we can do it. It will just take some adjustment. Par for the course with motherhood, right?

The doctors and nurses keep remarking that I’m so calm and I can’t help but reply to them “What’s my alternative, really?” There isn’t one. Falling apart isn’t an option for This Mommy, at least not right now.

Because I know you’re on the edge of your seat. *Sarcasm* This past week I have noticed Princess Tater Tot walking funny and making comments like “It won’t get pee-pee on the slide” and “It won’t get poopies on your booster seat”. I guessed (not too hard to do) that she was peeing and pooping when she was walking funny and asked. “Yes.” was, of course, her answer. Same with the “It won’t get…” comments. I assured her that it wouldn’t get pee-pee or poopie on whatever it was about which she was concerned because she was wearing a diaper. She seemed satisfied and continued with what she was doing (going to the bathroom, as it turns out). When I offered to whisk her off to the potty seat she just said “no.”

Toddlers have the amazing ability to go to the bathroom while doing something else completely unrelated. This ability is different, of course, from a baby who is not really aware that they have to go. I marvel at this ability because it took me quite a while to figure out how to pee in my wet suit when I surf. Yeah, I know, that probably says something about my compulsive personality but, whatever.

The body language showing that she is going to the bathroom and telling me she is going when she does are both signs that she’s getting ready. She has also just about mastered getting her pants on and off by herself quickly which is another sign of readiness. And she likes to take her own diaper off. I’d say we’re getting there but she’s still just not interested in actually doing the deed on the potty seat. Baby steps. As long as she’s potty trained by Fall so she can go to preschool!

So I volunteered to research alternatives to plastic for our Mommy and Me class and it sent me running for the cupboards. The topic is one of those that, the more you look, the more you find in terms of information, controversy, and outright fear. At least that’s how it was for me. I found opinions that cited BPA as safe for humans, opinions that vilified it as akin to the devil and much in between. Many opinions that I found were much like my own: “better safe than sorry”. So this weekend I got rid of all of our #7 plastic, plastic of indeterminate origin, and old, scratched or cloudy plastic. Gone. The areas that I have focused on for us right now are feeding and drinking for The Tot, water consumption for me and food storage as these are the areas we use plastic mostly. I’ve starting using our regular plates for Tater Tot, now that she is of the age that she generally doesn’t throw plates. I went out and bought a few glass food storage containers that have #5 plastic tops and will be buying more as the finances allow. Phasing out the plastic food storage altogether.

As it turns out, there are quite a few readily available alternatives to harmful plastics that leach BPA. To cut to the chase, if your plastics have the numbers 1, 2, or 5 on them they are okay but still should not be heated. If they have been heated or are scratched and/or cloudy, they may be leaching chemicals and you should toss ‘em and get new ones. Better yet, use glass baby bottles and food storage. There are several good stainless steel sippy cup options that only have a few #5 parts. If you do still use plastics with the “safer” numbers on them, my recommendation would be to hand wash them as the dishwasher can get pretty darned hot. Not fun but “safer”. I’ve seen some discussion about Corelle since it is heartier than regular dishware and some toddlers can be kinda hard on regular dishware. I bought a few little Corelle bowls for The Tot and use them instead of the plastic or melamine ones.

Some of my favorite products for The Tot and myself include:

The Thermos Foogo sippy which can be found at Target for $15. It has a #5 plastic spout and “inner workings” but the body of the cup is stainless steel and it’s not hard to wash by hand. Thermos also makes a stainless steel straw sippy made of the same materials. We haven’t tried that one yet but the reviews I read were good.

Klean Kanteen Stainless Steel Colored Water Bottles with Poly Loop Cap which has a sippy adapter and an option for a stainless steel cap instead of the #5 one included. I got myself a pink one and I loooove it!

Anchor Hocking and Pyrex glass food storage which both have #5 plastic tops (just don’t microwave with the tops on) and can be found at Target and WalMart for a range of prices.

Corelle “berry bowls” can be used for cereal, soup, pasta…anything you’d put in a bowl! Found at WalMart for inexpensive.

For utensils, I have found that The Tot is past the point of using plastic-tipped spoons so I just tossed those out anyway. The rest that we had were metal. If you’re still using soft-tipped spoons, Munchkin’s Soft-Tip Infant Spoons are BPA-free.

These are just a few of the adjustments that we have made to keep The Tot and ourselves safer. It’s an ongoing process, though, and it can be overwhelming. It seems like everything is hazardous these days. However, I do encourage you to start your own journey, if you haven’t already. Anything you can do to minimize long-term exposure to hazardous chemicals for you and your family is good! Baby steps! Now, go! Get started!

SafeMama.com has a great, thorough list of those plastic cups and baby/toddler products that are BPA free here

Santa did come to our town the other day. The city we live in graciously provided free Santa photos and provided a room with coloring pages, etc in which to wait. They handed out numbers and took groups in an orderly fashion based on 15 minute intervals so you could go run your toddler around outside if being confined is just not their thing. It was a long wait even though we got there fairly early but it was worth it to not have to wait in line at the mall and pay a ridiculous amount of money for a picture of my child with Santa in this horrible economy. We just would have skipped Santa pics this year if we hadn’t gotten in on this deal.

It went better than I expected. I wondered how she would deal with a larger-than-life old guy showing interest in her (she doesn’t really like strangers all that much) but she did fine. She wouldn’t look him in the eye, however, and, when asked “What do you want for Christmas?” she replied “Want Mommy to tell you.” So Mommy told Santa what Tater Tot wanted for Christmas and we escaped with a cute picture of Tater Tot with a huge smile on her face, looking away from the camera and leaning away from Santa. I did, however, snap a cute shot with my camera in which she is actually looking at the camera so it’s all good.

All in all, this has been an enjoyable holiday season so far. Despite working like a madwoman because I waited too long to start the Christmas presents I’m sewing this year. Once they’ve been opened, I’ll post some pictures of the finished product for you all to see.

If you’d like to see some more of my handiwork, check out www.SnugglebugDesigns.etsy.com .