Until Princess Tater Tot and I are in the office/sewing room/play room and I hear a steady stream of, you guessed it: PEE ON MY CARPET. Par for the course with potty training but it’s been almost a week since she’s done that and I had thought that the rewards and feeling like a Big Girl were motivating her to get to the potty. So, without thinking, I say frantically “Stop. Stop. Stop” meaning “Try and stop the pee from coming and get to the potty seat to finish.” But it didn’t come out that way. Obviously. And, according to what I’ve read, saying anything except “Oh, I’ll clean that up.” or some other such neutral statement was not the way to go.

Up until now I have been really, really good at making those non-committal, neutral, not-losing-your-sh*t statements when she “has an accident”. So I was disappointed in myself yesterday. Until I asked her why she peed on the carpet. “I didn’t feel like going to the potty seat.” was the answer. What?! Didn’t FEEL like it? It wasn’t an accident? Oh, Good Lord how I had to bite my tongue, mumbling to myself out of earshot and talking to God so I didn’t lose it. I cleaned up the pee and did something else “busy” for a minute to keep my composure thinking all the while “What exactly am I supposed to do with the ‘I peed on the carpet on purpose’ situation?” Let it go? Not react? NOT COOL. She saw through my busy behavior and getting out of earshot and said “When you pee on the carpet, it makes Mommy mad.” I assured her that I wasn’t mad and said something else that I cannot exactly recall about how I was feeling about the situation. From what I do recall, I probably stretched the truth pretty thin to maintain the neutral stance I felt I was supposed to take.

I did end up letting it go because I didn’t want to do something that could potentially derail Tater Tot’s motivation for potty training but, with a few hours and a little bit of perspective, I now have a plan for it if this becomes a pattern. I am not deluding myself that this is the last time she will “not feel like it”. Firstly, when she pees somewhere other than the potty, she will help me clean it up. Secondly, whatever room we are in and whatever activity we are doing will have to be stopped, using the excuse that I don’t want her around the stuff I spray on the carpet. We have to wait for it to dry. It could irritate her skin. All done in a neutral way, of course. Neutrally done, but a loss just the same.

Unfortunately, that was just the start of the downhill slide to our day. It had happened at around 3:30 and from then until bed time things just were wonky. Bed time is a whole other story. There were tears. There was outrageous stalling behavior. And then there were the power struggles. The analytical side of me is thinking “Self: it’s time to start looking at what her controlling behavior is all about”. And then I think “She’s three. She gets poked at least 8 times a day. She has to get used to stopping what she’s enjoying to go to the potty seat.” If someone was messing with my world like that, I might pee on the carpet, too. Ok, well, probably not, but you get the idea. And then maybe she just had a bad couple of hours. I wonder how it’ll go today…wish me luck!

I was reading a book (don’t even ask me which because it wasn’t that memorable) that talked about getting your child to potty train “organically”…i.e. when they want to without extrinsic rewards. And, of course, I started to beat myself up because I couldn’t figure out how to get my child to “want” to potty train. She just didn’t and I’ve got the Preschool Countdown going so I felt like I needed to act fast. She was mildly motivated to wear undies but, when given a choice she would prefer a pull up and to not make the effort. Didn’t seem to care that some her friends at Mommy and Me were potty trained. Mildly interested in the fact that a little friend from the play group was wearing undies but, still, not enough to light a fire. Uh, okay…what do I do with that? Keep her out of preschool and in a diaper for another year until she’s “ready”? Maybe I’m selfish but I just didn’t want to do that.

So, we headed to the Target dollar aisle and I let her pick out “prizes”. We printed free Dora potty training stickers and chart and got the show on the road. Turns out now that she realizes her Diva behavior isn’t going to stop Mommy from encouraging Big Girl Potty Behavior, she’s doing a pretty good job at getting to the potty. And she loves earning stickers and prizes…and seeing Mommy dance around like an idiot, of course. The way I’m doing it is that she earns a sticker every time she goes in the potty and, at the end of the row, she earns a prize. Of course, she suggested that Mommy print a chart with less squares on it so she could earn a prize more quickly but I stuck to my guns on that one…

When I wake up and stumble downstairs to pour a cup of coffee and I am greeted by a sink full of dishes, I want to go back upstairs and crawl into bed. It’s just no way to start the day. But when I come downstairs and the sink is clean and clear of dishes, I feel like I have a head start on my day! I can drink my cup of coffee in peace knowing that I won’t have to rush around before Tater Tot gets up trying to get the kitchen clean before I can make breakfast. And it usually makes me want to check the laundry and get that going, too so that my “free time” while The Tot is napping is just that: free. I am free to do what I want to instead of being a slave to my house.

The other function that shining my sink has for me is symbolic. When there is a situation in my life that I cannot control, I do something that I CAN control as a way of letting go of the situation I can’t control. It is therapeutic and it works for me. I have control over my habits and routines even if I don’t have control over the things that worry me. So I keep my sink clear at the same time I keep my head clear. It’s a two-fer!

Once you’ve shined your sink, there are other routines that you can put into place that really can make your life easier and keep things perking along as they should. You can get quite a bit of information from the Flylady site but she also has a book out called Sink Reflections available at Amazon if you click on the title back there. And your local library may have a copy if you want to check it out first.

I have to be honest: I backslide. And Flylady expects some backsliding. But progress is expected as well. Baby steps, jumping in where you are, and starting again are all a part of the package. And, boy that’s a good thing in this household! For now, my sink is shiny and my laundry is almost always done. And I cannot overstate the feeling of peace and accomplishment that it gives me. As a woman with an advanced degree, it feels really quite funny to type that I feel accomplished because my sink is clean and the laundry is done. But it really does!

The next thing I’m going to tackle is a weekly house cleaning schedule, I think….wish me luck!

Last year we lost two members to another class on a different day but, for the most part, this group has been together for at least a year and a half. Most of us for a full two years. Last year there were summer play dates and the knowledge that most of us would all be together again in the Fall. But this year it is different. The kids will go to different preschools in the Fall and relationships may or may not survive. These things all factored into my teary-eyed last day but the most important and probably the best reason for being teary-eyed on a day such as this is that my little baby girl is almost a preschooler. And I am almost a Mother of a Preschooler. I have always been one be easily bored and to welcome the new so I was surprised at my reaction to my little girl growing up. Surprised that I felt so deeply today. I mean, yes, I am very proud of the progress she and I both have made because of this class but I’m still surprised at the feeling of loss that I have. I realized today that she is very soon going to be a Preschooler. Not a Toddler, but a full-fledged, potty trained (God willing!), going to school without Mommy Preschooler.

I’m not sure why but an interaction that I had today is sticking with me longer than it normally would on the eve of an ending. Today, one of the mommies suggested to several of us in a conversation that we meet the next week at the park right by our class to play. Most of us thought that was a good idea and, when the class was almost over, I asked one mommy if I would see her next week. She looked perplexed and asked “Where?”. I explained and she stated that she and the suggesting mommy were no longer getting along and that she wasn’t invited. Huh? Since last week? We didn’t really have time to explore why as the class was ending, everyone was still milling around, and Tater Tot was oh-so-ready for nap time behaviorally. So I told her that I was really very sorry that they had had a falling out and said “Goodbye” to those remaining, herding Tater Tot to the car.

Our class has not been a class in which people are excluded. It has been a comfortable place where you don’t have to wonder or worry about asking someone if they’re going to any event to which any other Mommy/Kiddo duo has been invited. And this particular couple of Mommies seems to have gotten along rather well. They did things with two other Mommies/Kiddos outside of the class and were generally known as The Four Muskateer type of group. Their kids constantly played and fought together and acted like brother and sister. Which is why this situation is so strange. What in Heaven’s name could have happened for these two to have such a violent rift within one week’s time (or less)? So much so that one mother has pulled her child from the preschool that they would attend in the Fall, I assume, because it is the same preschool that the child of the other mother is attending.

Let me preface this by saying that I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA WHAT HAPPENED. I cannot even pretend to know (which is, maybe, why I am so perplexed). But what I thought I knew was that these were two very reasonable and lovely women with delightful, if not spirited, children. It is beyond me what could have happened between the two but I have to wonder “Why do we do this to each other as women?”. What could have gone so seriously wrong so quickly and why can’t we just support one another in our lives? Is it that hard? Again, I don’t know what happened and it may be that it is utterly unforgivable. But I hope that it isn’t. And, for the sake of all women, I hope that we can all be a little bit more understanding of each other and make the effort to just be nice. I realize I’m probably being naive but that’s just how I feel.

I’m sure that I will, one way or another, find out what happened. While I am curious, it is not my business to dig around in. And, I have to say that, in one way I am glad this happened at an ending point rather than in the middle. We have had the experience of being comfortable in this group for a long time and it was fantastic (save one shoving incident that we worked through). And, although I now wonder if there was an undercurrent all along that I was not aware of, I think I will choose to remember this as the positive experience that I thought it was and resolve to be as supportive and understanding and forgiving as I can of women that come into my life from this point forward.

Another thing that today’s experience did for me is help me to realize that time flies by so fast. And while the day-to-day grind may be a bit much at times, these are the times I will be longing for later and remembering fondly. Before I know it, I will be writing a post titled “I’m almost the Mother of a Kindergartner!” or some such thing. And it will seem like the blink of an eye.

The word “chores” sounds so horrible and un-fun. And it is. And they are. But what is fun for me is to wake up in the morning and to be able to sit with my coffee and Tweet or blog or read mindless celebrity crap without worrying that I am shirking my duties. I would not want to be labeled a shirker. But I do enjoy waking up slowly instead of rushing around “doing” before Tater Tot wakes up in an effort not to start the day too far behind.

For several years now I have been following the progress of The Flylady . I say following “the progress” of The Flylady because I have not actually been following her precepts as closely as I should in order to receive the elusive peace of actually being on top of everything. But I have put enough in to practice so as not to be embarrassed if the Directv guy wants to use the bathroom during the 2 hour installation. I have the knowledge, I just don’t always put it into practice. I do notice that I feel better when I do practice the routines that she preaches but there are some times when the routines just elude me. Luckily, last night was not one of those nights. Doing things like rinsing the dishes directly after dinner instead of just piling them in the sink or taking 1 minute to move the wash from the washer to the dryer before moving on to something else really helps me to feel like my time without Tater Tot is really mine. Since my “chores” are done, I am free to do what it is I actually want to do.

Check the site out. Routines are really key to feeling like you are in control and key to being able to take care of yourself. Does it always work magic? No. But it does help. Give it a try!

So, let me tell you what The Princess Tater Tot’s behaviors were that threw me over the edge and made me go look for answers. When we started to try and potty train again (I think this was the trigger for the escalation of “control” behavior), she started “wailing and flailing” when she wouldn’t get her way. When she would ask to do something and I’d say “No” and give her a reason why, she would start crying and yelling that she wanted to do it, throwing herself on the floor in a dramatic flop. Typical tantrum behavior. When she would be doing something I didn’t want her to do and I’d redirect her: same deal. When told to do something (get in the car seat, her booster seat, pull off her pull up diaper, ANYTHING, really) she may comply but veeeeeeeery slowly. Or not at all. She would start asking questions totally unrelated to the command. She would wander around the area we were in as only toddlers can, taking in the world around her and trying to make conversation to distract me from the fact that I had asked her to do something she didn’t want to do. Or she would just plain do something else. Anything else but comply. FanTAStic! Completely crazy-making, I tell you. Especially when you are trying to get out the door to be somewhere on time. As an aside, we have since taken a break from potty training until The Diva is a bit more under control. We WILL be starting again soon as she is due to go to preschool in the Fall.

Let me start this paragraph by saying I have mixed feelings about using negative reinforcement to get my kid to do things. On one hand, it can work beautifully. On the other hand, I want her to obey because it’s the right thing to do, not because she’s afraid she’ll get in trouble. As Dr. Phil would say “How’s that workin’ for ya’?” It isn’t. She doesn’t care if we’re going to be late. She doesn’t particularly care that it would help Mommy at this point, although she has in the past. She doesn’t care how it will help her in the future. It is all about her and what she wants NOW. She is three. This is normal, I think.

For now I am wingin’ it with the following directions very slowly. The ignoring directions I do “time out”, though. Because, until I figure out a better way, I do not want to teach my kid that it’s okay not to listen to me. Let me digress here and tell you that I have talked with her about this. Explained things. She’s smart and she understands. She is 3 and wants control. Normal. However, the scream-and-cry-and-flail-and-wail behavior is automatically “timed out” because it is just not okay. Particularly when it devolves into the fake *sniff, sniff* and fake sobbing behavior. No way, uh-uh, not here Little Missy.

Let me also say that I have a tendency toward black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking that I am aware of and work to balance. I am aware that I can tend to hang on like a pit bull to get what I want. And I don’t want to do that here. But, so far at least, the principles that I’m reading in Marilu Henner’s book “I Refuse to Raise A Brat” make sense to me. The gist of it is that children who continue to throw outrageous tantrums are overindulged. Steps need to be taken to bring them back to the real world where Mommy and Daddy’s “no” means no and their tantrums will not change that. The parent and child are not equal and they should not be treated that way. Parents are The Bosses and should be listened to. She and the psychologist who co-wrote the book seem to agree on the fact that tantrum behavior’s only response should be a firm “no” and a time out if that doesn’t work. The clear message needs to be sent that hysterics won’t change the answer. The reasoning they give resonates with me.

I have also read the “sit with your child and distract them to end the tantrum” side as well as the “hold your child and comfort them” suggestion and they just don’t work for us. Those options fuel the tantrum and “Want Mommy to tell you why…” sobbing questions will continue ad infinitum. Not cool. I have told her why already. She is just trying to get the answer to change. It’s not gonna.

They say that three is the new two and I’m inclined to believe them. She is a smart and sweet child who has picked up some bad habits that it’s time to ditch. Better to tackle them now than in adolescence when it could get really ugly. Wish me luck!

I’ll be back later with my synthesized thoughts and the action plan I came up with to tackle the behavior. As for now, must go get The Tot up for Sugar Bug (blood sugar) testing, Duckie Bite (insulin shot) and breakfast! Then off to the 2nd to last Mommy and Me class ever.

For a few days now, The Princess has been acting, well, SPOILED. And, yes, I used capital letters for a reason. Melting down at the tiniest thing. Dramatic crying spells on the floor when she can’t do something she wants to do. Irritating and slow behavior. Ignoring requests and commands. And saying “NO” in a less-than-nice voice to most things. As this is fairly unusual for her (at least the intensity and duration that I’m seeing now), I kept asking her if she felt okay thinking that maybe her blood sugar numbers were off or that she might have a UTC (more common for diabetic girls, apparently). Nope. She feels fine. She’s just running the show.

So I looked online a bit for articles on toddler behavior and, while looking at the library for other things, came across another book that I’m currently reading called “I Refuse To Raise A Brat” by Marilu Henner and a child psychologist. It has brought up some good points that I need to pay attention to. As the parent of an only child who is a girl, I have tended to protect her (for lack of a better word) too much. And I will pay if I continue. I need to keep in mind that my job and my goal here is to raise a confident, productive member of society, not to make her feel good all of the time.

This explanation is simplified and I am not the over-indulgent mother who lets her child get away with everything but there are things I feel I need to change. I’m going to take a little more time to synthesize my thoughts and the information that I’m reading before I expand on this. I was just so excited to realize that I need to change things…okay, excited is maybe not the word I’m looking for but I’m at a loss right now for the right one so I’ll leave it at that.

Now I’m off to get Princess Tater Tot up for the day. She’s trying her first ballet class today! And that’s a whole other post…there have been tutus everywhere lately!

Then there are the times when nothing looks normal, I am worried sick and I have to get up in the middle of the night to test her, further depleting any reserves (HA!) that I had. I am grateful that this is not one of those times. For now, I am going to enjoy the relative normalcy and learn all that I can so that, when we are on the next down side of this roller coaster, maybe it won’t be quite the drastic drop that it was before.

And I am going to enjoy my beautiful, funny, loving little girl. She is the best reason in the world for doing all that I do.

I’ve thought about what posts I can write that add value to your lives either through information and education or humor. Posts that I can write that entertain and inform. Topics I can cover that many parents will relate to. I got nothin’. Nothin’ but a whole lotta nothin’. And that stems from having no time to myself. No time to feel creative or replenish my energy stores or be motivated to do much of anything. At least with a newborn, I could find the humor in things. I could find a way to make fun of myself. I haven’t gotten there yet with this stage of my life. I will. I’m starting to. But not quite yet.

The less than zero time to myself is coming to a head. It is causing me to ask things of The Daddy that he may or may not be able to give me. I need to take a break or sanity will leave and he will have 24-7 responsibility of Tater Tot and her Diabetes because I will be at The Funny Farm. They will be able to visit me in my padded cell and maybe, if I’m good, they’ll undo one of my arms so I can give my little girl and husband a side-hug. All while closely supervised, of course.

Okay, maybe it’s not that bad but it still merits a bit of attention. Which is why I am grateful that this Thursday is the monthly Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation Parent Coffee in my neck of the woods. I so badly need to connect with parents who have been through this or are going through this. I need support from someone who knows what it’s like. I’m just not sure that anyone else but a Diabetes Mom would understand the crushing responsibility for everything from damage to future IQ to diabetic retinopathy due to poor blood sugar control to treating daily low blood sugars that could become fatal or the futile attempt to keep a toddler’s blood sugars within the acceptable range. And while the JDRF Mentor Mom they assigned me is really great, I need to know her a bit better to show my crazy. I’m sure she probably would understand a babbling, sobbing mess calling her on the phone but I just have not been able to do that lately. I think partly because I’m not sure how to articulate what’s wrong. Except that I need a break. There is nobody I can leave Tater Tot with because I am it. The Daddy is a Good Daddy but he has not been taking care of The Diabetes that has invaded our lives like I have. He does not yet have the experience that I do (however small it is, it is more than he has) because he has been working two jobs and getting his Master’s Degree while I stay home and take care of The Tot and The Invader. And I feel like I can’t ask him to do anything more than he is doing even though it may save me. But something’s got to give and maybe it’s just that he will have to do more. I can’t imagine that I could ask that of him but I think I’m going to have to. I’m going to have to ask him to learn the things that I have learned and to get some of the experience that I have because I am going to need to leave her with him during times that she will need more treatment than just being aware of how to treat a low blood sugar. I will need to be able to leave her with him during times when he will need to know what dose of insulin she needs at a specific time based on her blood sugar. Or what to do if she has high blood sugar at her afternoon snack time. Or whether or not she gets a snack at bed time based on her blood sugar and whether or not he (really, me) needs to get up in the middle of the night to test her to see if her blood sugar is staying up. You might think that these are things that he should be wanting to know as a Dad of a Diabetic Little One but I don’t think it’s all that abnormal for The Daddy to have less responsibility, if any, for The Diabetes in cases like these. Call me crazy but it seems like The Mommy usually takes over these responsibilities much more than The Daddy. And, let’s face it, it’s kinda my Job, isn’t it? Nevermind that the stress of trying to keep her blood sugar in range, save as much money as humanly possible while making it all stretch as far as I can AND while feeding my family in the healthiest possible way and keeping the house tidy and organized so as to provide a supportive environment for above-mentioned hard-working husband is driving me crazy and providing no time to take care of myself. Minor details.

I know that we will get this all worked out and I will adjust. We’re just hitting some speed bumps. Very large, very ugly speed bumps. Unfortunately, along the way, This Mommy is getting a little irritated and I can safely say that I will not be winning the Mother of The Year Award.