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I found myself thinking today “If I just didn’t need so much time to myself I’d be a better mother. Why can’t I be one of those women who takes care of everyone else and doesn’t need anything for herself”. Yes, in hindsight, this was a stupid thought, I admit…I don’t think that woman exists and, if she does, she shouldn’t. I have no earthly idea how much time a “normal” person needs to themselves but it feels like I need an inordinate amount of time to myself. As the mother of a diabetic toddler, I don’t get that time so I perpetually feel like I’m running on empty. In fact, the amount of time I get to myself has decreased from zero to less than zero since she was diagnosed. At least I used to be able to choose to sleep through the night if I wanted to before. Now, if her blood sugar is low at bed time, I need to check her in the middle of the night to make sure her bed time snack brought her blood sugar up and that it stayed up. Or if she had a drastic drop between her bed time blood sugar and her waking blood sugar, I need to test in the middle of the night to see what’s happening. Or if her insulin regimen is changed even slightly, I need to test in the middle of the night to make sure she doesn’t go hypoglycemic. Thus, less than zero time to myself. And, no, I can’t ask The Daddy for a break. He’s working two jobs and writing his Master’s Thesis.

I was thinking, “If I didn’t need that time, I wouldn’t feel like I was running on empty, right?” Well, the other day while my sister was talking me out from under the bed (figuratively), she made a good point. “Do you get any time to yourself?” she asked? “Well, no” I answered and a little light bulb went off in my head. Whether or not my need for alone time is “normal” or “excessive”, it is who I am. I can modify somewhat in order to be a good mother. I have done that. But I do not need to be putting a value judgment on who I am right now, especially with what we are going through adjusting to the new-ish diagnosis. My sister and I joked that the thoughts that I was having were like saying “If I only gave up my soul and the very essence of who I am, I would be a better mother.” There will always be something that I think I could/should change in order to do things better and that’s okay. It makes me a better mother. But I need to figure out when it’s “good enough” instead of berating myself for not being perfect. The fact of the matter is that having a little bit of something for myself makes me a better mother. It should be okay to carve out a little bit of time for that.

I have come to the conclusion that, for us right now, it’s okay to not feel guilty when “Horton Hears A Who” is playing and I am doing something I like to do or doing nothing at all. It’s okay for me to take a break from trying so damned hard and coast for a bit. My sanity depends on that conclusion so I’m stickin’ with it!

I’m depressed. It feels good to admit it. Am I so depressed that I can’t function? No. Am I clinically depressed and in need of therapy and medication? No. I know these things because I am “retired” Licensed Clinical Social Worker and, although evaluating my own symptoms is probably not totally objective, I know enough to know that I have coping skills and I am using them. The one where I sit on the couch after Tater Tot has gone to bed and stare, slack-jawed and drooling at the television or stuff my face with snack-foods probably isn’t the most healthy but it’s better than some ways that people “cope”. I actually DO have coping skills and a support network so I am okay but there are more down-in-the-dumps moments these days than before and I feel less healthy.

A couple of days ago there were lots of down-in-the-dumps moments, all in a row. It just kinda hit me. Until I know more about how to take care of Tater Tot’s diabetes, we’re kind of in a box. Restricted by numbers and time. Unable to stay as long as we’d like or participate in as many activities or be as spontaneous. It felt like someone had put the lid on the box and had forgotten to poke holes for air. I cried. A lot. I know that, once I have more experience caring for a child with diabetes, we will be able to make exceptions and adapt to situations. But, for now, I don’t feel like I have that flexibility and it is completely stifling.

I am the “primary caregiver” for a lot of things. I take care of Tater Tot physically, emotionally, developmentally, medically, and nutritionally. I try to take care of my husband physically, emotionally, and sexually. I take care of the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, and the finances. And I try to take care of myself. Now that diabetes has entered our lives, the taking care of myself has been squeezed out of the picture. There just isn’t room for it anymore. Which is probably why I am sick with a cold yet again. There is no “sleeping in”. Not a lot of flexibility in our schedule because of Tater Tot’s need to be on a pretty tight food/insulin schedule. And, if her blood sugar is low at bed time, she needs a snack. Which means she stays up past her bed time. Which means I have less time for myself. Which makes me a little bit crazy. And then there’s the need to test her in the middle of the night if her blood sugar is low at bed time to make sure she doesn’t dip down again. Even less sleep than I’m getting? Not a good idea.

I know that many people would say I need to ask my husband to take over so I can have a break. And he sometimes does. But when both of us are so tired that we could fall asleep by 6pm and he is working a weekend job in addition to teaching, how can I ask him to take over? I suppose we could trade off but I guess I figure that, since he is working so hard so that I can stay home with The Tot, he gets to be the one that gets the break.

Yesterday was one of those times that he took over. I went for an exercise walk by myself and it felt weird to not be pushing a stroller. Good, but weird. I felt like Forrest Gump, wanting to keep going and going and going until I just didn’t want to go anymore. “Run, Forrest! Run!” Not running away from my family, just “running myself out”. I used to do that when I was young and single and relatively free from responsibility. I would run until I didn’t want to run anymore. Then I’d be so far from home that I had to run even more to get home. By the time I got back, I’d be so worn out I didn’t care about what had been bothering me before I started the run. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, time and injury prevent me from doing that these days. But it felt good to be on my own and free from responsibility even just for 45 minutes.

I know that I need to find more ways to get time to myself. But they just don’t seem to be there. Even if I don’t get time to myself, it has become readily apparent that I need to sleep more and take better care of myself. It’s hard to do because it means putting aside the things I love to do but have no time to do anymore. Those things that I stay up too late doing and get up too early to do. I guess it’s all about balance. And I haven’t quite found it yet. I will. But not yet.

As it turns out, my mini-break-down was short-lived. That doesn’t mean that I’m not living with a low-level depression. It just means that my toes are away from the edge. It means that I am functioning well in most areas and I’m able to take care of my daughter and have a good time with her. But what is missing is that I’m having a hard time taking care of myself. I have to get her up earlier in order to time her meals and insulin in a way that works for our schedule. She goes to bed later because, inevitably, her blood sugar is too low at bed time so she gets a snack. Which means Mommy Time has shrunk. Like there was very much to begin with. I am not eating right and I am not exercising as much. I am not sleeping enough in a stupid and vain attempt to have a teeny bit of anything for myself. I am being Super Mom and Wonder Woman and it is taking a toll. I am caring for everyone else except myself and it can’t last much longer. I’ve gotta change something or I will crash soon. Unfortunately, I can’t see where the change is going to happen. The Daddy is starting his Spring work schedule which means the seasonal job that he works in addition to teaching is giving him more hours. That means Mommy needs to suck it up and deal because Daddy’s tired, too. Gotta figure something out soon, though.

On a more positive note, The Tot is adjusting well. Her need for insulin is decreasing during the “honeymoon period” so she tends to run on the low blood sugar side of things right now until we work with the docs to figure it out but we’ve got it under control. We’ve established a routine, of sorts, and she’s back to doing her normal activities. I have noticed, however, that she has gotten a lot pickier since she’s been home from the hospital. Doesn’t want to do as many things and doesn’t want to eat certain things, either. I used to be able to suggest a snack and have her jump at it but now she says “Different snack” several times until I get the right one. She doesn’t want to go on a walk after dinner like she used to and she doesn’t want to go on our morning Stroller Ride. She has never, ever, ever said “Don’t want that” about any dinner that I have made but I have heard her say that multiple times since we have been home from the hospital.

I can’t help but wonder if this is her almost-three-year-old way of controlling what she can control. She is learning to say “yes” instead of “no” to lots of Mommy requests (things that are inappropriate to say “no” to), including getting stuck multiple times a day and when to change her diapers (although I try to give her choices about that, too!). So, really, food and activities are the things that she can control right now. Side note: not a good time to start potty training again! It would just end up in a power struggle, I think.

So, all-in-all, we are settling in to a new reality and things are going as well as can be expected. I have a mainly treatment-compliant child who is asserting her independence in other ways, which is not a problem in the grand scheme of things. It makes meal time a bit challenging but at least she’s not screaming when I try to give her insulin. I’ve got to be grateful for that. My sense of humor has not quite figured out how to make the best of the situation yet but it’s only been three weeks, people. It’ll happen.

Last I wrote, I was still in the hospital with my darling little girl and we were learning how to deal with juvenile diabetes. We were discharged a week ago and it things have gone pretty well. The Tater Tot doesn’t put up too much of a fight although she has started saying “No needle. No needle.” sometimes at dinner. And she doesn’t seem to want her insulin anywhere but her arm (for those of you who don’t know because I didn’t before this whole ordeal: injecting in the same place all the time builds up scar tissue which does not allow the insulin to absorb as well so you have to vary the injection site). So I have to convince…oh heck, let’s be real: I have to bribe her to take her injection somewhere else. She has only had one concerningly high reading but she’s been a little low more than I’m comfortable with. In terms of managing her diabetes, it has gone well. However, The Mommy hit an emotional wall yesterday. Actually, it was more of a crash than a hit. Hit implies less force. This thing just about knocked me flat.

I know that everything will be okay. I know that I am a good, attentive, nurturing Mommy who will do a good job raising her child. But my job just got harder. The sheer enormity of being directly responsible for whether or not she goes into a life-threatening low or high and the rigidity with which we must live our lives at least for now just got to be a bit much yesterday. We have been trying to keep things as normal as possible and The Tot has gone to all her regular classes and a few play dates even though we have been home only a week. But things are not normal. At least not the normal that we have known ’til now. It is not normal to have to stick a needle in your child’s appendages even when she doesn’t want you to. It is not normal to have to ask 4 or more times a day “Which finger?” and take action to get blood from that finger to make sure she is okay. It is not normal to see bruises on her tiny toddler arms where IV’s were stuck and veins were prodded to get blood for labs. Or to hear her say to convince herself every time you go to give her the shot “It doesn’t hurt.” Or to toss and turn and eventually give up and go test her again in the middle of the night because you’re not sure the snack you gave her before bed raised her blood sugar enough to not be dangerously low in the morning. And it’s just not normal for this sweet little angel to willingly hand over her finger every time I ask her to in order to get stuck yet again.

I am grateful that she is still enamored of her “new pink thingy” that tests her blood even though it means pricking her finger and that she, at least so far, is still cooperative. Because if/when she starts to resist more than the mild resistance we’ve seen so far, it is going to break my heart. And I know that I will do what I have to do even though she doesn’t want me to because those actions will save her life. I also know that this will get easier. And harder. All at the same time.

Life has just been plugging right along. I find that with this blog, as well as with my personal journal-writing, when things are good, I don’t write as much. There’s not much angst or stuff to work out nor as much humor, self-deprecating or otherwise. A sense of humor is key to dealing with the stress of motherhood and I find that my sense of humor feels at home in this stress.

Lately things just haven’t been as stressful. Yes, Tater Tot loooves her a tantrum on a daily basis and likes to “step the envelope” (push the envelope) with Mommy but it’s just not the same kind of stress I felt when she was younger. The doubt-myself-daily kind of stress where I wondered if I was doing something (or everything) wrong and if/when I would scar her for life. I have become very comfortable in motherhood.

Well, this week, my comfort level was dealt a major blow. It started last week when I noticed that Princess Tater Tot was drinking everything she could get her hands on. Then she started peeing through her Huggies in record time and I started to be concerned. It had been 80 degrees or near that here in lovely San Diego, though, so I chalked it up to being thirsty because it was hot. She was also super-duper cranky, which I chalked up to being almost-three. But then, Saturday morning I saw some symptoms that I couldn’t ignore. She was shaky at breakfast and her speech seemed a little thick. The Daddy didn’t notice it as much as I did but I knew that something was just off. It went away, though, so I decided to just keep an eye on it. By Tuesday morning at Mommy and Me I knew I had to call the doc because, although she had periods of normalcy, the lethargy and crankiness had ratcheted up a notch and something was just not right. We couldn’t get an appointment with her regular doc so we made one at the after-hours clinic for his pediatrics group. At 7:30 that night we found out that she is diabetic and were directed immediately to Children’s Hospital for a minimum three-day stay. We’ve been at Chez Children’s ever since and, I’ll tell you, I’m ready to go home but terrified to do so.

Going home means that I am totally responsible for my child’s health. Not that I wasn’t before. Obviously I was. But that was when there was nothing wrong, or so we thought. That was before I knew I needed to measure and restrict and say “no you can’t have some of Mommy’s pizza” or stick my child with a needle and poke her finger 4 times a day. Before our lives changed forever.

So far I have not fallen apart but I can’t guarantee what will happen when we get home. I am tired and the hospital, while so necessary and helpful, has sapped all of my energy. I have not exercised or sewn in 4 days (the things I do to deal with stress) and I just want to sleep in my own bed. If you can’t tell, my sense of humor has not quite found a home in this yet. But it will. I have no doubt. Just like with any other challenge, I will find a way to make it funny and take the edge off. But not yet. For now, all of my energy is focused on learning how to live our new lifestyle and how not to let it limit us. I know we can do it. It will just take some adjustment. Par for the course with motherhood, right?

The doctors and nurses keep remarking that I’m so calm and I can’t help but reply to them “What’s my alternative, really?” There isn’t one. Falling apart isn’t an option for This Mommy, at least not right now.

Because I know you’re on the edge of your seat. *Sarcasm* This past week I have noticed Princess Tater Tot walking funny and making comments like “It won’t get pee-pee on the slide” and “It won’t get poopies on your booster seat”. I guessed (not too hard to do) that she was peeing and pooping when she was walking funny and asked. “Yes.” was, of course, her answer. Same with the “It won’t get…” comments. I assured her that it wouldn’t get pee-pee or poopie on whatever it was about which she was concerned because she was wearing a diaper. She seemed satisfied and continued with what she was doing (going to the bathroom, as it turns out). When I offered to whisk her off to the potty seat she just said “no.”

Toddlers have the amazing ability to go to the bathroom while doing something else completely unrelated. This ability is different, of course, from a baby who is not really aware that they have to go. I marvel at this ability because it took me quite a while to figure out how to pee in my wet suit when I surf. Yeah, I know, that probably says something about my compulsive personality but, whatever.

The body language showing that she is going to the bathroom and telling me she is going when she does are both signs that she’s getting ready. She has also just about mastered getting her pants on and off by herself quickly which is another sign of readiness. And she likes to take her own diaper off. I’d say we’re getting there but she’s still just not interested in actually doing the deed on the potty seat. Baby steps. As long as she’s potty trained by Fall so she can go to preschool!

So I volunteered to research alternatives to plastic for our Mommy and Me class and it sent me running for the cupboards. The topic is one of those that, the more you look, the more you find in terms of information, controversy, and outright fear. At least that’s how it was for me. I found opinions that cited BPA as safe for humans, opinions that vilified it as akin to the devil and much in between. Many opinions that I found were much like my own: “better safe than sorry”. So this weekend I got rid of all of our #7 plastic, plastic of indeterminate origin, and old, scratched or cloudy plastic. Gone. The areas that I have focused on for us right now are feeding and drinking for The Tot, water consumption for me and food storage as these are the areas we use plastic mostly. I’ve starting using our regular plates for Tater Tot, now that she is of the age that she generally doesn’t throw plates. I went out and bought a few glass food storage containers that have #5 plastic tops and will be buying more as the finances allow. Phasing out the plastic food storage altogether.

As it turns out, there are quite a few readily available alternatives to harmful plastics that leach BPA. To cut to the chase, if your plastics have the numbers 1, 2, or 5 on them they are okay but still should not be heated. If they have been heated or are scratched and/or cloudy, they may be leaching chemicals and you should toss ‘em and get new ones. Better yet, use glass baby bottles and food storage. There are several good stainless steel sippy cup options that only have a few #5 parts. If you do still use plastics with the “safer” numbers on them, my recommendation would be to hand wash them as the dishwasher can get pretty darned hot. Not fun but “safer”. I’ve seen some discussion about Corelle since it is heartier than regular dishware and some toddlers can be kinda hard on regular dishware. I bought a few little Corelle bowls for The Tot and use them instead of the plastic or melamine ones.

Some of my favorite products for The Tot and myself include:

The Thermos Foogo sippy which can be found at Target for $15. It has a #5 plastic spout and “inner workings” but the body of the cup is stainless steel and it’s not hard to wash by hand. Thermos also makes a stainless steel straw sippy made of the same materials. We haven’t tried that one yet but the reviews I read were good.

Klean Kanteen Stainless Steel Colored Water Bottles with Poly Loop Cap which has a sippy adapter and an option for a stainless steel cap instead of the #5 one included. I got myself a pink one and I loooove it!

Anchor Hocking and Pyrex glass food storage which both have #5 plastic tops (just don’t microwave with the tops on) and can be found at Target and WalMart for a range of prices.

Corelle “berry bowls” can be used for cereal, soup, pasta…anything you’d put in a bowl! Found at WalMart for inexpensive.

For utensils, I have found that The Tot is past the point of using plastic-tipped spoons so I just tossed those out anyway. The rest that we had were metal. If you’re still using soft-tipped spoons, Munchkin’s Soft-Tip Infant Spoons are BPA-free.

These are just a few of the adjustments that we have made to keep The Tot and ourselves safer. It’s an ongoing process, though, and it can be overwhelming. It seems like everything is hazardous these days. However, I do encourage you to start your own journey, if you haven’t already. Anything you can do to minimize long-term exposure to hazardous chemicals for you and your family is good! Baby steps! Now, go! Get started!

SafeMama.com has a great, thorough list of those plastic cups and baby/toddler products that are BPA free here

Santa did come to our town the other day. The city we live in graciously provided free Santa photos and provided a room with coloring pages, etc in which to wait. They handed out numbers and took groups in an orderly fashion based on 15 minute intervals so you could go run your toddler around outside if being confined is just not their thing. It was a long wait even though we got there fairly early but it was worth it to not have to wait in line at the mall and pay a ridiculous amount of money for a picture of my child with Santa in this horrible economy. We just would have skipped Santa pics this year if we hadn’t gotten in on this deal.

It went better than I expected. I wondered how she would deal with a larger-than-life old guy showing interest in her (she doesn’t really like strangers all that much) but she did fine. She wouldn’t look him in the eye, howevr, and, when asked “What do you want for Christmas?” she replied “Want Mommy to tell you.” So Mommy told Santa what Tater Tot wanted for Christmas and we escaped with a cute picture of Tater Tot with a huge smile on her face, looking away from the camera and leaning away from Santa. I did, however, snap a cute shot with my camera in which she is actually looking at the camera so it’s all good.

All in all, this has been an enjoyable holiday season so far. Despite working like a madwoman because I waited too long to start the Christmas presents I’m sewing this year. Once they’ve been opened, I’ll post some pictures of the finished product for you all to see.

If you’d like to see some more of my handiwork, check out www.SnugglebugDesigns.etsy.com .

Nope. You’d think we would be by now. She is 2 3/4, you know. But, no. She still has no interest in potty training. I can barely get her to sit on the thing. I don’t push because I don’t want to set up a power struggle but, Good Lord, I’m ready for her to be out of diapers! She’s growing like a weed, has a fabulous vocabulary and ability to communicate, and will be in diapers until she’s 8, apparently. No, but really, I read something the other day that reassured me a bit and my sister’s kids both pottytrained at the later end of the spectrum so I’m not worried. Anxious to ditch the diapers? Yes. Worried? No.

So, in my reading, I came up with some markers that show your child is ready to potty train:

• Can walk and/or run steadily. I don’t know what running has to do with potty training unless it’s just so they can get to the potty quicker? But it’s there. From multiple sources.
• Urinates a significant amount at one time. Again, not sure why this is on the list but it is. My uneducated and compulsive-person guess would be that it’s just more efficient to pee all at once rather than keep running back to the bathroom but I’m sure that’s not it. Because that’s just crazy. Like me. Right?
• Has regular, well-formed bowel movements at relatively predictable times. That one’s a little more understandable, I guess. That way you can offer the potty seat to them around the time they should be pooping and give them a little taste of potty seat success!
• Dry periods of a couple hours at a time that show their bladder muscles are developed enough to “hold it”.Another pretty self-explanatory one. If they can’t hold it, they can’t make it to the potty seat in time.
• Doesn’t like the feeling of a dirty diaper and/or asks to be changed when he/she has one.
• Announces bowel movement before, during or after either with body language or words.
• Is able to pull pants up and down by themselves.
• Is interested is being toilet trained.
• Is generally in a cooperative stage yet shows a desire for independence.

That’s about it in a nutshell. Several of the items above are going on in our house but the most important one, interest in potty training, is lacking. We’ve talked about and gotten big-girl underwear, read books with potty sound effects, gotten special potty training stickers and incentive charts, sat her on her own potty seat, on the big potty, read books while on the potty. Nothin’. Not a drop. Not really sure why since, at 2, she was excited to use the potty and actually did use it successfully for a day or two. But the reality for this Mommy is that she is not ready. *Heavy sigh* Even though I most definitely am.

Okay, so I know that between 2 and 3…oh, let’s get real. Between 1 and 4 or 5, there are a LOT of tantrums that happen. We have been having more than our fair share of them around here. In fact, “we” had a doozy at the end of our Mommy and Me class the other day. At the end of class she just unraveled. It was no different behavior than I see at home on a daily basis but it felt so much more magnified since it was playing out in front of at least 10 other Mommies and Kiddos. I handled it like I would at home and just did the best I could but it sent me running to my favorite fount of information, the Internet, to find out more about how to deal with my Princess’s tantrums in a constructive way. Here is some of what I came up with.

Apparently, according to Dr. Sears, there are two kinds of tantrums: manipulative and frustration. Bottom line: ignore the manipulative ones and empathize with the frustration ones. You have to let your Little Manipulator know with verbal and behavioral cues that tantrums are not the way to go. Don’t let them push your buttons and get into a power struggle or yelling match. For your Sensitive Guy or Girl who is throwing a frustration tantrum, getting down on their eye level and asking them to “Tell Mommy what you want” is helpful. Also helpful if they are frustrated by a particular task is to help them with part of the task and then encourage them to complete it on their own. We get a lot of those “Do it by myself” kind of tantrums around here so I’m going to try that tip out soon.

I’m going to cut to the chase and give you a handy-dandy bullet-point list of the tips I found helpful:

• Keep a tantrum diary to help figure out triggers and pre-tantrum behavior. This can help you ward the tantrums off.
• Keep in mind that tantrums are a normal part of a child developing independence. Don’t see it as a reflection of your parenting ability
• Keep your composure, even if your child is losing it in public. He/She needs you to stay in control since they are not. Get your child and yourself to a more private place to help them calm down.
• Be realistic about your expectations for your child. Don’t take them some place when you know that there will be triggers galore. Like when they’re hungry, tired, or overstimulated. Plan your trips according to what’s going on with your child, if possible.
• If they are tantrumming because they want something (perfect example is the check-out line), don’t give in! If you do, you are setting yourself up for many, many battles at every check-out line you enter. Intro to Psychology tells us that intermittent reinforcement builds the strongest habits. If you give in once, they will assume that you will give in again. Even if you don’t give in the next time, they will continue to try whenever they encounter that situation because the hope is there.

  What I didn’t find in the articles but I have realized that I need to implement myself is deep breathing and “going to my happy place”. Tantrums irritate the CRAP outta me. I mean, they send me from zero to sixty in 2 seconds flat. So far I have been able to maintain my composure but I realized that I need to take a different view of her tantrums. Most of her tantrums are truly frustration tantrums and she feels like the world is ending. I need to be empathetic instead of irritated, even when she’s shouting “NO!” at me. So I take a deep breath (or a few, depending on the situation), sort of disconnect myself emotionally from her behavior, and speak calmly to her. I put everything else on hold. The grocery store run we need to be doing, other people’s stares if we are in public, the appointment we’re late for. I get down on her level, speak to her calmly and explain to her why she can’t have that/do that/bring that. Or I distract her with a request to help Mommy. Or, if she’ll let me, I give her a hug and say that I’m sorry she’s so upset. It’s not easy for me. I’m easily frustrated myself although I’ve learned to deal with it. And I need to help her learn how to deal with it. So I put her needs first and get the stink-eye from the receptionist at whatever appointment for which we are late. Small price to pay for my kid knowing that she and her feelings are important to me.

  Another thing I have implemented in our house since The Tot is an only child and will likely stay that way, is the “You are not a spoiled girl so why are you acting like one?” Defense. Tater Tot likes to say “YOU WANT THAT (fill in the blank)” in a loud, demanding voice and, sometimes, throw a fit if she doesn’t get it. Now, I don’t know if this is normal two year old behavior or what but it doesn’t fly in my house. So when she does that I have started saying to her something along the lines of “Hm, that sounds a lot like a spoiled, demanding voice and we don’t talk that way around here. Mommy knows that you’re not a spoiled girl so you need to talk in a nice voice. How do you ask nicely?” Works like a charm so far. She’s learning. And so am I.