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This morning I woke up to no dishes in the sink, the laundry all where it was supposed to be save one load in the dryer, and nothing pressing to do. This allowed me to journal while drinking my coffee and actually think about the pros and cons of a decision I had to make. Imagine that: actually having time and energy to think about what I wanted to do in a particular situation. It was nice. And it was all possible because I took a few minutes after Tater Tot went to bed to finish my “chores”.

The word “chores” sounds so horrible and un-fun. And it is. And they are. But what is fun for me is to wake up in the morning and to be able to sit with my coffee and Tweet or blog or read mindless celebrity crap without worrying that I am shirking my duties. I would not want to be labeled a shirker. But I do enjoy waking up slowly instead of rushing around “doing” before Tater Tot wakes up in an effort not to start the day too far behind.

For several years now I have been following the progress of The Flylady . I say following “the progress” of The Flylady because I have not actually been following her precepts as closely as I should in order to receive the elusive peace of actually being on top of everything. But I have put enough in to practice so as not to be embarrassed if the Directv guy wants to use the bathroom during the 2 hour installation. I have the knowledge, I just don’t always put it into practice. I do notice that I feel better when I do practice the routines that she preaches but there are some times when the routines just elude me. Luckily, last night was not one of those nights. Doing things like rinsing the dishes directly after dinner instead of just piling them in the sink or taking 1 minute to move the wash from the washer to the dryer before moving on to something else really helps me to feel like my time without Tater Tot is really mine. Since my “chores” are done, I am free to do what it is I actually want to do.

Check the site out. Routines are really key to feeling like you are in control and key to being able to take care of yourself. Does it always work magic? No. But it does help. Give it a try!

I’ve been writing about The Diva’s, I mean, The Princess’s tantrum behavior that seemed to come out of nowhere lately and I’m back for more. The other day I wrote that it appears to be working, and it is. However, she is a smart kid and figures out ways to up the ante. To The Daddy while having a time out: “I *sniff* love you” in a pitiful little voice probably designed to try and make him shorten the time out. Another gem is repeatedly getting time outs for the same behavior at bed time. ANYthing to delay bed time. She has always tried to do that, just with more positive methods prior to this. Toddler behavior is really very interesting from a sociological standpoint. If you’re NOT their mother, of course.

So, let me tell you what The Princess Tater Tot’s behaviors were that threw me over the edge and made me go look for answers. When we started to try and potty train again (I think this was the trigger for the escalation of “control” behavior), she started “wailing and flailing” when she wouldn’t get her way. When she would ask to do something and I’d say “No” and give her a reason why, she would start crying and yelling that she wanted to do it, throwing herself on the floor in a dramatic flop. Typical tantrum behavior. When she would be doing something I didn’t want her to do and I’d redirect her: same deal. When told to do something (get in the car seat, her booster seat, pull off her pull up diaper, ANYTHING, really) she may comply but veeeeeeeery slowly. Or not at all. She would start asking questions totally unrelated to the command. She would wander around the area we were in as only toddlers can, taking in the world around her and trying to make conversation to distract me from the fact that I had asked her to do something she didn’t want to do. Or she would just plain do something else. Anything else but comply. FanTAStic! Completely crazy-making, I tell you. Especially when you are trying to get out the door to be somewhere on time. As an aside, we have since taken a break from potty training until The Diva is a bit more under control. We WILL be starting again soon as she is due to go to preschool in the Fall.

Let me start this paragraph by saying I have mixed feelings about using negative reinforcement to get my kid to do things. On one hand, it can work beautifully. On the other hand, I want her to obey because it’s the right thing to do, not because she’s afraid she’ll get in trouble. As Dr. Phil would say “How’s that workin’ for ya’?” It isn’t. She doesn’t care if we’re going to be late. She doesn’t particularly care that it would help Mommy at this point, although she has in the past. She doesn’t care how it will help her in the future. It is all about her and what she wants NOW. She is three. This is normal, I think.

For now I am wingin’ it with the following directions very slowly. The ignoring directions I do “time out”, though. Because, until I figure out a better way, I do not want to teach my kid that it’s okay not to listen to me. Let me digress here and tell you that I have talked with her about this. Explained things. She’s smart and she understands. She is 3 and wants control. Normal. However, the scream-and-cry-and-flail-and-wail behavior is automatically “timed out” because it is just not okay. Particularly when it devolves into the fake *sniff, sniff* and fake sobbing behavior. No way, uh-uh, not here Little Missy.

Let me also say that I have a tendency toward black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking that I am aware of and work to balance. I am aware that I can tend to hang on like a pit bull to get what I want. And I don’t want to do that here. But, so far at least, the principles that I’m reading in Marilu Henner’s book “I Refuse to Raise A Brat” make sense to me. The gist of it is that children who continue to throw outrageous tantrums are overindulged. Steps need to be taken to bring them back to the real world where Mommy and Daddy’s “no” means no and their tantrums will not change that. The parent and child are not equal and they should not be treated that way. Parents are The Bosses and should be listened to. She and the psychologist who co-wrote the book seem to agree on the fact that tantrum behavior’s only response should be a firm “no” and a time out if that doesn’t work. The clear message needs to be sent that hysterics won’t change the answer. The reasoning they give resonates with me.

I have also read the “sit with your child and distract them to end the tantrum” side as well as the “hold your child and comfort them” suggestion and they just don’t work for us. Those options fuel the tantrum and “Want Mommy to tell you why…” sobbing questions will continue ad infinitum. Not cool. I have told her why already. She is just trying to get the answer to change. It’s not gonna.

They say that three is the new two and I’m inclined to believe them. She is a smart and sweet child who has picked up some bad habits that it’s time to ditch. Better to tackle them now than in adolescence when it could get really ugly. Wish me luck!

A little update on the Diva situation: it seems to be working. We have had more timeouts than usual but Princess Tater Tot appears to be getting the message that you cannot cry, scream and otherwise carry on when you don’t get your way. Yes, it is upsetting to not get your way but flailing about and screaming at high decibels is just not acceptable. Now, I am not under the illusion that my child will never throw a tantrum again but a decrease is welcome at this point so I’m gonna celebrate and don’t you try and stop me!

I’ll be back later with my synthesized thoughts and the action plan I came up with to tackle the behavior. As for now, must go get The Tot up for Sugar Bug (blood sugar) testing, Duckie Bite (insulin shot) and breakfast! Then off to the 2nd to last Mommy and Me class ever.

Hey there…it’s been a while. Okay, a LONG while. Life has been just buzzing right along here at Princess Tater Tot’s house. And I have just realized that it IS Princess Tater Tot’s house. While she is not completely over-indulged, I have realized that there are some things that I could be doing differently. As an only child, the spoilage factor runs high anyway and, for the past few days anyway, that has become abundantly clear. As I only have a few minutes until I need to get her up, I will run through this at record speed and be back tomorrow for an update.

For a few days now, The Princess has been acting, well, SPOILED. And, yes, I used capital letters for a reason. Melting down at the tiniest thing. Dramatic crying spells on the floor when she can’t do something she wants to do. Irritating and slow behavior. Ignoring requests and commands. And saying “NO” in a less-than-nice voice to most things. As this is fairly unusual for her (at least the intensity and duration that I’m seeing now), I kept asking her if she felt okay thinking that maybe her blood sugar numbers were off or that she might have a UTC (more common for diabetic girls, apparently). Nope. She feels fine. She’s just running the show.

So I looked online a bit for articles on toddler behavior and, while looking at the library for other things, came across another book that I’m currently reading called “I Refuse To Raise A Brat” by Marilu Henner and a child psychologist. It has brought up some good points that I need to pay attention to. As the parent of an only child who is a girl, I have tended to protect her (for lack of a better word) too much. And I will pay if I continue. I need to keep in mind that my job and my goal here is to raise a confident, productive member of society, not to make her feel good all of the time.

This explanation is simplified and I am not the over-indulgent mother who lets her child get away with everything but there are things I feel I need to change. I’m going to take a little more time to synthesize my thoughts and the information that I’m reading before I expand on this. I was just so excited to realize that I need to change things…okay, excited is maybe not the word I’m looking for but I’m at a loss right now for the right one so I’ll leave it at that.

Now I’m off to get Princess Tater Tot up for the day. She’s trying her first ballet class today! And that’s a whole other post…there have been tutus everywhere lately!

Ok, it’s been a while since my last post. I’ve had teensy bits of time to myself and have gotten some perspective. A little friend of The Tot’s has also been diagnosed with diabetes and we have been able to help a little bit. It is a horrible, horrible thing to go through. And it gets better. For now, I am on the up side of the roller coaster. And it is a roller coaster. There are times when life seems almost normal. Besides all the poking and measuring, of course. Times when I go to test her and her numbers all look good or, if they don’t look good, there is a pattern of them returning to normal at a specific time of the day. Or I know I can do something specific to return her to “normal”. Times when the docs and nurses are all reassuring and adjustments are made that make me feel more in control and less like The Sugar Bugs have taken over our world. Of course they have, but the illusion of control makes all the difference in my mental health so I’m hangin’ on to it.

Then there are the times when nothing looks normal, I am worried sick and I have to get up in the middle of the night to test her, further depleting any reserves (HA!) that I had. I am grateful that this is not one of those times. For now, I am going to enjoy the relative normalcy and learn all that I can so that, when we are on the next down side of this roller coaster, maybe it won’t be quite the drastic drop that it was before.

And I am going to enjoy my beautiful, funny, loving little girl. She is the best reason in the world for doing all that I do.

Things have been a bit, well, raw lately. I haven’t been writing that much even though I’d like to because I feel like I’d just be complaining and whining to my three readers. And I don’t want to drive you away. Lord knows I can’t afford to lose any of the three of you.

I’ve thought about what posts I can write that add value to your lives either through information and education or humor. Posts that I can write that entertain and inform. Topics I can cover that many parents will relate to. I got nothin’. Nothin’ but a whole lotta nothin’. And that stems from having no time to myself. No time to feel creative or replenish my energy stores or be motivated to do much of anything. At least with a newborn, I could find the humor in things. I could find a way to make fun of myself. I haven’t gotten there yet with this stage of my life. I will. I’m starting to. But not quite yet.

The less than zero time to myself is coming to a head. I need to take a break or sanity will leave and The Daddy will have 24-7 responsibility of Tater Tot and her Diabetes because I will be at The Funny Farm. They will be able to visit me in my padded cell and maybe, if I’m good, they’ll undo one of my arms so I can give my little girl and husband a side-hug. All while closely supervised, of course.

Okay, maybe it’s not that bad but it still merits a bit of attention. Which is why I am grateful that this Thursday is the monthly Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation Parent Coffee in my neck of the woods. I so badly need to connect with parents who have been through this or are going through this. I need support from someone who knows what it’s like. I’m just not sure that anyone else but a Diabetes Mom would understand the crushing responsibility for everything from damage to future IQ to diabetic retinopathy due to poor blood sugar control to treating daily low blood sugars that could become fatal or the futile attempt to keep a toddler’s blood sugars within the acceptable range. And while the JDRF Mentor Mom they assigned me is really great, I need to know her a bit better to show my crazy. I’m sure she probably would understand a babbling, sobbing mess calling her on the phone but I just have not been able to do that lately. I think partly because I’m not sure how to articulate what’s wrong. Except that I need a break. There is nobody I can leave Tater Tot with because I am it. Nevermind that the stress of trying to keep her blood sugar in range, save as much money as humanly possible while making it all stretch as far as I can AND while feeding my family in the healthiest possible way and keeping the house tidy and organized so as to provide a supportive environment for above-mentioned hard-working husband is driving me crazy and providing no time to take care of myself. Minor details.

I know that we will get this all worked out and I will adjust. We’re just hitting some speed bumps. Very large, very ugly speed bumps. Unfortunately, along the way, This Mommy is getting a little irritated and I can safely say that I will not be winning the Mother of The Year Award.

I found myself thinking today “If I just didn’t need so much time to myself I’d be a better mother. Why can’t I be one of those women who takes care of everyone else and doesn’t need anything for herself”. Yes, in hindsight, this was a stupid thought, I admit…I don’t think that woman exists and, if she does, she shouldn’t. I have no earthly idea how much time a “normal” person needs to themselves but it feels like I need an inordinate amount of time to myself. As the mother of a diabetic toddler, I don’t get that time so I perpetually feel like I’m running on empty. In fact, the amount of time I get to myself has decreased from zero to less than zero since she was diagnosed. At least I used to be able to choose to sleep through the night if I wanted to before. Now, if her blood sugar is low at bed time, I need to check her in the middle of the night to make sure her bed time snack brought her blood sugar up and that it stayed up. Or if she had a drastic drop between her bed time blood sugar and her waking blood sugar, I need to test in the middle of the night to see what’s happening. Or if her insulin regimen is changed even slightly, I need to test in the middle of the night to make sure she doesn’t go hypoglycemic. Thus, less than zero time to myself. And, no, I can’t ask The Daddy for a break. He’s working two jobs and writing his Master’s Thesis.

I was thinking, “If I didn’t need that time, I wouldn’t feel like I was running on empty, right?” Well, the other day while my sister was talking me out from under the bed (figuratively), she made a good point. “Do you get any time to yourself?” she asked? “Well, no” I answered and a little light bulb went off in my head. Whether or not my need for alone time is “normal” or “excessive”, it is who I am. I can modify somewhat in order to be a good mother. I have done that. But I do not need to be putting a value judgment on who I am right now, especially with what we are going through adjusting to the new-ish diagnosis. My sister and I joked that the thoughts that I was having were like saying “If I only gave up my soul and the very essence of who I am, I would be a better mother.” There will always be something that I think I could/should change in order to do things better and that’s okay. It makes me a better mother. But I need to figure out when it’s “good enough” instead of berating myself for not being perfect. The fact of the matter is that having a little bit of something for myself makes me a better mother. It should be okay to carve out a little bit of time for that.

I have come to the conclusion that, for us right now, it’s okay to not feel guilty when “Horton Hears A Who” is playing and I am doing something I like to do or doing nothing at all. It’s okay for me to take a break from trying so damned hard and coast for a bit. My sanity depends on that conclusion so I’m stickin’ with it!

I’m depressed. It feels good to admit it. Am I so depressed that I can’t function? No. Am I clinically depressed and in need of therapy and medication? No. I know these things because I am “retired” Licensed Clinical Social Worker and, although evaluating my own symptoms is probably not totally objective, I know enough to know that I have coping skills and I am using them. The one where I sit on the couch after Tater Tot has gone to bed and stare, slack-jawed and drooling at the television or stuff my face with snack-foods probably isn’t the most healthy but it’s better than some ways that people “cope”. I actually DO have coping skills and a support network so I am okay but there are more down-in-the-dumps moments these days than before and I feel less healthy.

A couple of days ago there were lots of down-in-the-dumps moments, all in a row. It just kinda hit me. Until I know more about how to take care of Tater Tot’s diabetes, we’re kind of in a box. Restricted by numbers and time. Unable to stay as long as we’d like or participate in as many activities or be as spontaneous. It felt like someone had put the lid on the box and had forgotten to poke holes for air. I cried. A lot. I know that, once I have more experience caring for a child with diabetes, we will be able to make exceptions and adapt to situations. But, for now, I don’t feel like I have that flexibility and it is completely stifling.

I am the “primary caregiver” for a lot of things. I take care of Tater Tot physically, emotionally, developmentally, medically, and nutritionally. I try to take care of my husband physically, emotionally, and sexually. I take care of the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, the shopping, and the finances. And I try to take care of myself. Now that diabetes has entered our lives, the taking care of myself has been squeezed out of the picture. There just isn’t room for it anymore. Which is probably why I am sick with a cold yet again. There is no “sleeping in”. Not a lot of flexibility in our schedule because of Tater Tot’s need to be on a pretty tight food/insulin schedule. And, if her blood sugar is low at bed time, she needs a snack. Which means she stays up past her bed time. Which means I have less time for myself. Which makes me a little bit crazy. And then there’s the need to test her in the middle of the night if her blood sugar is low at bed time to make sure she doesn’t dip down again. Even less sleep than I’m getting? Not a good idea.

I know that many people would say I need to ask my husband to take over so I can have a break. And he sometimes does. But when both of us are so tired that we could fall asleep by 6pm and he is working a weekend job in addition to teaching, how can I ask him to take over? I suppose we could trade off but I guess I figure that, since he is working so hard so that I can stay home with The Tot, he gets to be the one that gets the break.

Yesterday was one of those times that he took over. I went for an exercise walk by myself and it felt weird to not be pushing a stroller. Good, but weird. I felt like Forrest Gump, wanting to keep going and going and going until I just didn’t want to go anymore. “Run, Forrest! Run!” Not running away from my family, just “running myself out”. I used to do that when I was young and single and relatively free from responsibility. I would run until I didn’t want to run anymore. Then I’d be so far from home that I had to run even more to get home. By the time I got back, I’d be so worn out I didn’t care about what had been bothering me before I started the run. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, time and injury prevent me from doing that these days. But it felt good to be on my own and free from responsibility even just for 45 minutes.

I know that I need to find more ways to get time to myself. But they just don’t seem to be there. Even if I don’t get time to myself, it has become readily apparent that I need to sleep more and take better care of myself. It’s hard to do because it means putting aside the things I love to do but have no time to do anymore. Those things that I stay up too late doing and get up too early to do. I guess it’s all about balance. And I haven’t quite found it yet. I will. But not yet.

As it turns out, my mini-break-down was short-lived. That doesn’t mean that I’m not living with a low-level depression. It just means that my toes are away from the edge. It means that I am functioning well in most areas and I’m able to take care of my daughter and have a good time with her. But what is missing is that I’m having a hard time taking care of myself. I have to get her up earlier in order to time her meals and insulin in a way that works for our schedule. She goes to bed later because, inevitably, her blood sugar is too low at bed time so she gets a snack. Which means Mommy Time has shrunk. Like there was very much to begin with. I am not eating right and I am not exercising as much. I am not sleeping enough in a stupid and vain attempt to have a teeny bit of anything for myself. I am being Super Mom and Wonder Woman and it is taking a toll. I am caring for everyone else except myself and it can’t last much longer. I’ve gotta change something or I will crash soon. Unfortunately, I can’t see where the change is going to happen. The Daddy is starting his Spring work schedule which means the seasonal job that he works in addition to teaching is giving him more hours. That means Mommy needs to suck it up and deal because Daddy’s tired, too. Gotta figure something out soon, though.

On a more positive note, The Tot is adjusting well. Her need for insulin is decreasing during the “honeymoon period” so she tends to run on the low blood sugar side of things right now until we work with the docs to figure it out but we’ve got it under control. We’ve established a routine, of sorts, and she’s back to doing her normal activities. I have noticed, however, that she has gotten a lot pickier since she’s been home from the hospital. Doesn’t want to do as many things and doesn’t want to eat certain things, either. I used to be able to suggest a snack and have her jump at it but now she says “Different snack” several times until I get the right one. She doesn’t want to go on a walk after dinner like she used to and she doesn’t want to go on our morning Stroller Ride. She has never, ever, ever said “Don’t want that” about any dinner that I have made but I have heard her say that multiple times since we have been home from the hospital.

I can’t help but wonder if this is her almost-three-year-old way of controlling what she can control. She is learning to say “yes” instead of “no” to lots of Mommy requests (things that are inappropriate to say “no” to), including getting stuck multiple times a day and when to change her diapers (although I try to give her choices about that, too!). So, really, food and activities are the things that she can control right now. Side note: not a good time to start potty training again! It would just end up in a power struggle, I think.

So, all-in-all, we are settling in to a new reality and things are going as well as can be expected. I have a mainly treatment-compliant child who is asserting her independence in other ways, which is not a problem in the grand scheme of things. It makes meal time a bit challenging but at least she’s not screaming when I try to give her insulin. I’ve got to be grateful for that. My sense of humor has not quite figured out how to make the best of the situation yet but it’s only been three weeks, people. It’ll happen.

Last I wrote, I was still in the hospital with my darling little girl and we were learning how to deal with juvenile diabetes. We were discharged a week ago and it things have gone pretty well. The Tater Tot doesn’t put up too much of a fight although she has started saying “No needle. No needle.” sometimes at dinner. And she doesn’t seem to want her insulin anywhere but her arm (for those of you who don’t know because I didn’t before this whole ordeal: injecting in the same place all the time builds up scar tissue which does not allow the insulin to absorb as well so you have to vary the injection site). So I have to convince…oh heck, let’s be real: I have to bribe her to take her injection somewhere else. She has only had one concerningly high reading but she’s been a little low more than I’m comfortable with. In terms of managing her diabetes, it has gone well. However, The Mommy hit an emotional wall yesterday. Actually, it was more of a crash than a hit. Hit implies less force. This thing just about knocked me flat.

I know that everything will be okay. I know that I am a good, attentive, nurturing Mommy who will do a good job raising her child. But my job just got harder. The sheer enormity of being directly responsible for whether or not she goes into a life-threatening low or high and the rigidity with which we must live our lives at least for now just got to be a bit much yesterday. We have been trying to keep things as normal as possible and The Tot has gone to all her regular classes and a few play dates even though we have been home only a week. But things are not normal. At least not the normal that we have known ’til now. It is not normal to have to stick a needle in your child’s appendages even when she doesn’t want you to. It is not normal to have to ask 4 or more times a day “Which finger?” and take action to get blood from that finger to make sure she is okay. It is not normal to see bruises on her tiny toddler arms where IV’s were stuck and veins were prodded to get blood for labs. Or to hear her say to convince herself every time you go to give her the shot “It doesn’t hurt.” Or to toss and turn and eventually give up and go test her again in the middle of the night because you’re not sure the snack you gave her before bed raised her blood sugar enough to not be dangerously low in the morning. And it’s just not normal for this sweet little angel to willingly hand over her finger every time I ask her to in order to get stuck yet again.

I am grateful that she is still enamored of her “new pink thingy” that tests her blood even though it means pricking her finger and that she, at least so far, is still cooperative. Because if/when she starts to resist more than the mild resistance we’ve seen so far, it is going to break my heart. And I know that I will do what I have to do even though she doesn’t want me to because those actions will save her life. I also know that this will get easier. And harder. All at the same time.